Being emotionally intelligent is knowing when
and how to express emotion.
This above definition is simple
enough, although it doesn’t fit neatly into the four-pillar arrangement of
secular emotional intelligence. But being emotionally intelligent by knowing
when and how to express emotion implies an acute level of personal and social
awareness and management.
There is a key test. Can we
respond to each situation in the right emotional way?
Do we weep with those who are weeping?
Do we rejoice with those who are rejoicing? Can we weep with ourselves? Can we
celebrate within ourselves?
These are all vital clues
regarding how emotionally intelligent we are. And, furthermore, these are indicators
of how in touch we are with our inner selves.
And how are we to learn when to be
‘emotional’ and when not to be?
Emotions Must Always Be Fitted to Truth
Emotions are always okay, and
appropriate, when they are in alignment with reality.
This is not to say that our
emotions will be met with the approval of others. Many others may feel
uncomfortable at the presentation of our emotion. For some, emotion is
disarming, for others it is enchanting, and for others, again, it is
bewitching. But when we react emotionally according to the broadly-expected
reality our emotions will resonate with at least some.
In some situations emotions get in
the way, like in business, and we would be best to exercise emotional
self-restraint. But in other situations, like when there has been a loss in the
family, we would appear numb if we didn’t react emotionally.
Another key test of true emotional
intelligence is the level of instinctual response. Do we respond intuitively, and without thought, or is
it a put-on? Is it natural or spontaneous?
Of course, if our emotions are to
come as a direct reaction of the broadly-accepted reality, as opposed to our
own personal maladaptive
reality, we will be emotionally intelligent. We will have reacted as a mature
person would. We see here that truth is only represented in the relational
context of what could be broadly accepted.
Emotional Intelligence Is a Relational
Concept
As we relate with ourselves, and
others, and our God, the test of our understanding is the adroitness of our
emotional reaction in each moment.
Emotional intelligence is,
therefore, a relational concept. It requires the byplay of transaction. By it,
a relationship can be rated on its performance—the congruence between the two
or more parties to it. We either relate well with ourselves, or not so well. We
either relate well with others, or not so well. The same is true for our
relationships with God. And if our emotions are askew, and they are reactions
not fitted well to the truth of the moment, we are not relating, and, for that
time, are not emotionally intelligent.
Emotional intelligence is
therefore a moment-by-moment proposition. We can lose it or we can acquire it.
Our performance has form. We can be in form or out of form.
***
Knowing when and how to express
emotion is a blessing in all relationships. Things go well because the truth is
respected and reactions are reliable. Good emotional performance helps people
feel safe.
© 2012 S. J. Wickham.
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