echotraining.org infographic
Recently when we had a heart-to-heart, my wife confided in me
that in her twenties she felt there was something not quite right… with her
preaching.
Something she could not identify. But fifteen years onward she knows
what it is. It’s no longer there.
Then she gave me that look, as if it were my fault. Then she
gave me a cheeky smirk. In the over twelve years we’ve been together we’ve
experienced a lot of life… a lot of
trauma. Some nobody apart from our closest circle would be aware of.
Some of it beyond anyone’s control.
Some of it beyond our control.
Some it within others’ control.
Some of it beyond our control.
Some it within others’ control.
Yes, that about sums it up.
Some of it is also because
of the control others chose to practice over us.
of the control others chose to practice over us.
We must acknowledge there are triggers now. Having never been
assessed, like so many, including so many ministers, we have been subject to
traumatic stress. When triggered, we experience post-traumatic stress. And
those particular triggers, though they’re irregular enough, are fired with
consistency when the stimuli are there. And if I’m honest, between us, I’m most
affected.
Now I know that the ole mantra about ‘victims’ was they’d blame
external factors for everything — even if the wind changed without notice,
which is what tends to happen.
I have known about and studied and adopted the internal locus of
control for twenty years. I’m characterised for taking responsibility; occasionally even when I’m actually not responsible, such is my innate
interest in restoring a damaged relationship.
Dealing with trauma is not a negation of one’s responsibility,
which we have some control over. Nor is it an excuse for anyone to gaslight those impacted by trauma by manipulating the moment through exploiting
the person affected.
When a person is triggered, there is only one thing to be done:
care for and care about them.
Being triggered is a direct result of the deeply psychological
(i.e. almost unknowable) processes within you coming into contact with
something threatening in your environment. Threats come potentially in every
form under the sun. It is what you
associate as the hazard that has in the past traumatised you.
What’s very important to know is:
It’s not your fault when you’re triggered.
You’re not being selfish when you’re triggered.
You cannot just ‘react better.’
Being triggered is a kind of autonomic process.
You’re not being selfish when you’re triggered.
You cannot just ‘react better.’
Being triggered is a kind of autonomic process.
Truth be known, we ALL have triggers.
The wisdom is accepting, learning and preparing.
The wisdom is accepting, learning and preparing.
That’s all I really want to say.
I hope you find the following information helpful:
How to
Support Someone Who Has Experienced Trauma
What would we do if we could see
every psychological wound ever inflicted as a physical bruise? We would see a
lot of black and blue people walking around! We might also be more careful of
each other, understanding the degree of suffering we each have endured.
One of the hardest things when you
are in a relationship is that there is no trauma map to refer to and even as we
get to know someone’s history and the things that activate past trauma, we are
often bewildered or downright indignant when trauma rears its head and our
loved ones lash out, retreat, get emotional for no understandable reason, or
unfairly blame us for all kinds of wrongdoing.
How do you negotiate these and other
manifestations of trauma? We have put together a infographic based on
relationship lessons learned by trauma survivors and those who love them.
1. Predictability: Everyone loves surprises! Not. Trauma
survivors often prefer predictability because that feels safer.
2. Space: Allow time for the survivor to calm
down and take perspective. Remember that we trauma survivors often have
difficulty regulating our emotions and take longer to calm down. Maybe support
self-soothing, for example suggesting you both go for a walk, maybe stay well
clear! If the survivor is caught up in the fight/flight response you may be
mistaken for the enemy.
3. Perspective:
Be aware when ‘the past is intruding
into the present.’ Don’t take responsibility for what is not yours… gently. You
can own any insensitivity or lack of consideration that has provoked the
reaction and yet separate it from whatever past trauma is fueling what would
otherwise appear to be a disproportionate response. Remember there is no such
thing as ‘over-reacting’ – the reaction is in direct proportion to the pain
experienced in the past rather than in response to what’s happening now.
4. Rid ‘over-reacting,’ ‘over-sensitive,’
‘over’-anything from your vocabulary.
5. Language: Don’t refer to ‘your upbringing,
your problem, issues, behavior.’ This sounds like judgment or at the very least
like the trauma survivor is somehow broken or the problem. Call it for what it
is – trauma.
6. Be
kind, loving, patient…
But empathetically set limits – you have needs too! It’s okay to talk about
when the survivor’s reactions hurt you too. “I love you and I understand how
scared/angry/sad you are… and it’s not okay to hurt me.” Whatever our trauma
history, we must all learn to be accountable when we hurt others.
7. Reciprocity: Most of us had parents who lacked
skills in listening, empathy, tolerating uncomfortable feelings, empowerment…
Give what you also need to receive [because that’s the best way of making sure
you get it back. Make sure that you are getting these things somewhere in your
life. If the survivor is your friend or romantic partner, be sure that there is
a two-way street. However much you love someone who has experienced trauma, it
is unhealthy if you become a savior, therapist, or martyr.
8. Control
and choice.
Big trigger when a survivor is denied these. Confer, collaborate cooperate.
Unilateral moves even when benevolent will not be appreciated! Trauma is about
getting hurt when you had no power or control over the situation, and it is
immensely activating when the trauma survivor experiences that powerlessness
again. If you want one way to ensure one of the fight/flight/freeze/collapse
survival responses, taking away control is the way to do it!