Image: Tom Pumford (Unsplash)
CONNECTION was the elephant in the room of what was missing. I looked into the mirror and hated who looked back at me. I hissed at that image. I shrieked, not comprehending what was going on.
I sought connection but embraced distance. I hunted light but entered darkness.
I heaved uncontrollably for several seconds, and then, feeling pathetic, I laughed at and cussed at myself. I felt I was going insane. But the insanity of it was feeling conflicted; estranged to logic yet calculatingly cynical at the same time. I was self-destructing.
Two hours later I was fine. Not brilliant. Not as happy as could be. Just better. Defeated, but better. My hope quotient had improved a significant though slight ten percent.
I have experienced this cycle of events many times in my life — acute situational burnout, followed by meltdown, then complete emotional letdown, following a mental breakdown.
During such times I’ve felt abysmally lonesome, overwhelmed beyond any momentary conciliation, flat-out sad, and worlds tired. The personification of spiritual attack. Such a state usually came with the build-up of too many conflicts; the perfect storm of myriads of tasks to do and too many people to see, and especially during relationship upsets.
Thankfully, these days, what I’ve described here is a comparatively rare event. But it’s never unwelcome. I’ve learned that feeling lonely, overwhelmed, sad and tired isn’t a state to be judged, but empathised, the quicker the better.
I recognise that not everyone feels lost. Some people never feel like this. But I also know there are many more people that suffer feeling lost than care to admit. We all seem normal until you get to know us! And yet, how encouraging to know, in feeling lost, we’re not alone.
There are redemptive qualities in being lost.
Until we’re lost we cannot hope to be found. Recalling the Lord’s great love, He finds us afresh in our sincere calling out, “Help me, God!”
Until we’re lost we don’t know how far we’ve walked away from God. And in simply doing an about face, we fall into His unfailing arms.
Until we’re lost we don’t appreciate the simplicity and the healing need of surrender.