The effect of excessive outrage on mental health

There are the principles of transference and countertransference in therapy that explain stuff we’re not prepared to face, whether these are issues for the one counselled or the counsellor.

We live in an age of outrage, as the fabric of society slowly tears at the end of an age.  You only need to open up social media and it’s usually brindled with light entertainment, humour, popular pieces that focus you emotionally, comingled with conspiracies, scepticism, statements of incredulity, with the more than occasional venting.

Life is hard.  No matter who you are, there are challenges for time, for comfort, for purpose and meaning, to find sustainable cause for gratitude.  Yet, when we count our blessings, they’re usually innumerable.  And still, there is something within us that scratches away at our identity, and those who can party with this fact face their truth, pretending none of reality away.

Just as transference occurs to a person being counselled when something ruffles them, and their counsellor can react to their own fears in countertransference, a response is found in each of us in the outrage our eyes meet.  It’s designed to augment an emotional response.

Those things that elicit some emotional response in us take us to a primal place, and those emotional responses speak to a truth deposited deep within each of us.

These emotional responses speak to our core values that have been refined through the harder experiences of life.

The harder that experience was, for either us or someone we cared about, the deeper the furrows of pain we may carry for the traumas we endured.

And so it’s hardly surprising that we’re disgusted, angry, sad or afraid.  Indeed, the gap that exists in us all personally means we tend to SEEK out the stuff that elicits these hot and high emotions.  It basically fills the empty core within, but it’s erosive.

The trouble is, and you may have already noticed this, a constant or excessive outrage tends to create mental health issues, or it reveals something about what’s going on for us—that deeper lack.

The anger we transfer over to some person or group ‘over there’ is one way to deal with the sorrow we carry deep within.  It actually feels easier to point our fury outward toward some target outside of ourselves.

But this is of course the projection of an external locus of control.  Projections such as these fix nothing, and they usually make our mental health more complicated.

We can only enter healing by facing what’s deep 
within us as much as anything to stop hiding from it.

This is a hard truth for every single one of us to wrestle with.  It’s certainly not a popular truth, but it is THE truth.

Our outrage tells us a lot about ourselves.  It’s a mirror to our personal discontent.  We want our world to be different, but the tragic irony is the only one we can change is ourselves.

This is not to say we shouldn’t agree with social justice issues and advocate for them.

We just advocate differently when we’re not driven by outrage, and not only are we more balanced, but we’re also more effective, and we can sustain the effort for longer.  Important issues need not consume us.

Understanding the grief of dread in situational depression

It’s just one word, but it says so much.  DREAD.  Anyone who’s been there knows the instant terror that overtakes the moment.  Worse, because NOBODY can feel it like you feel it, in that it floors and disables you, it can leave others mystified at best and condemning of you at worst.

A whole hour of dread is enough to make a person wonder what happened to make the day fall into such a hole.  A whole day of it leaves a person shattered and debilitated.  And unfortunately, that dread can linger for days and longer leaving a person in absolute despair, really to the point that a full-blown depression manifests in the inability to do anything—even the smallest things are like massive mountains to climb.

When I talk in terms of situational depression, I really am talking loss, but it’s not always the traditional losses that we grieve so much that cause us to be depressed for a time.

Sometimes it’s losses like a dream you’ve lived that’s gone, or one that’s passed you by, and therefore reality is constantly tinged with an unavoidable sorrow that expresses itself in complaint, bargaining or anger (or combination thereof).  In this place, you can’t reconcile that there’s nothing you can do.  Everywhere you look it’s hard.  Dread!

Until you’ve been there, that deep in dread that you can’t climb out, people don’t see how callous they are in telling people in it to get a grip.  I know, it can be so frustrating when it looks like a person’s making every excuse under the sun to make life difficult for you.

Just imagine how it is for the person who isn’t lying or pretending or chickening out.  Imagine for a moment that what they’re saying is real.

Sometimes losses loom larger than Everest and panic overwhelms you.  How on earth did the bottom fall out of hope, where fear rides high and steals away every capacity for peace?  I recall the season long ago where I suffered a series of seven scary panic attacks over a month or so—you only need to experience one of these to fear the next one for a very long time, even if it never comes.

It’s from depression that you’ll learn you’ll do anything to climb out of it—when, and if only, you’ve got the energy and confidence to do so.  You’ll try faith if it’ll give you a leave pass to joy, hope, and peace, and especially so if there’s someone who will sit and sojourn with you.  Many of the great spiritual awakenings come as a direct result of the hardest seasons of life, as some of the worst times in living memory become the catalyst for some of the best times.  Afterwards.  After the dread ebbs away.

The dread has a lot to answer for, and yet this dread teaches us empathy when nothing else could.  There’s something to be said for trauma in what such experiences of life teach us, as our powers of empathy grow fathoms deeper in understanding.

Yes, I know of men and women who’ve been there—the privilege of riding counselling couches with them once or, with some, for weeks and months on end—who came to be champions for help because of the help they themselves received.  It’s how we all start I think.

One opportunity we all have is to see that our experiences aren’t another’s and vice versa.  When life is well with us, there are always those in our midst who are doing it especially tough.  Having been there, you know it’s true.  It shifts your perspective to be open in what people could be dealing with.  And the world needs more of that space held, one for another.

See the purpose in a situational depression.  It’s to learn empathy and to care for others in kindness when we can.  But the dread is a horror to survive.

Inside the mind of a narcissist

It’s incredibly difficult to reconcile how to respond to and deal with a narcissist until we recognise how they think.  Besides how befuddled we may be in countering their deviance, it does help to explore the mind of a person bent on evil.

Surprise, surprise, from all walks of life, there are such people in this life!

I think many of us who see the capacities of evil as temptation, knowing to avoid those places for fear of hurting others and dire consequences that we ourselves might suffer, ward against that place, only slipping into it by fault of our imperfect humanity.

But with the person who lives completely for themselves, it’s a lot different.  It’s said that this person is 1-in-100, but I think in reality it’s probably more like 5-in-100.  So it’s not everybody.

A narcissist sharpens their utilisation of exploitation, and they may even use feigned empathy as a tool, weaponised against the vulnerable, to have their way.  The more shocking the betrayal, the more self-satisfied they are that they outwitted a person who is clearly not in their league.  And to stay one step ahead of accountability only fortifies the challenge.  They believe strongly that they’re too smart to be caught, and even if they were they have full faith they’ll dupe the process or find clever loopholes.

When a narcissist is called manipulative, he or she might think, “Well, thank you for recognising too late that I outthought you,” all the while duplicitous enough to bark their innocence and mar the memory or witness of the victim by gaslighting them.  So, don’t go there.  Don’t give them the satisfaction that you see what they’re doing.  Keep them wondering.  Keep building your case.

When a narcissist engages in deflection, their mind is saying to themselves, “Wow, look at you go!  You got them on the run now.  There’s no catching me here.”  In terms of deflection, anything that’s open is fair game.  That’s a broad field!  No wonder the other person in the relationship doesn’t stand a chance.  So, don’t play that game with them.  It’s only satisfaction to them, frustration to you.  Expect deflection and rise above it by not being tempted to engage.

When a narcissist isolates you, don’t be surprised.  In expecting it—in being silenced, or in being sidelined and separated from what’s important to you—they exert control by coercion.  But a narcissist can only coerce the person who cares enough to grieve the loss.  Of course, it hurts.  The more you show it hurts, the more satisfied they are.  Don’t give them that if you can help it.

When a narcissist intimidates you—and you know it by how you feel about any manner of their controlling you that aggresses you—there are one of two responses, or even both at the same time.  Part of us wants to escape the attack, as we feel our entire constitution crumbling, often because it’s intimidating, humiliating, and triggering.  But then another part of us wants to resist and fight back—like, how dare they!  This can also be because we’re triggered by amygdala hijack.  Neither running away or fighting back works.  The only way that works is by neither escaping nor fighting back.  It takes a lot of strength to sit there, and a lot of training and courage to face the attack without being intimidated.

When a narcissist acts entitled, see that their thinking places them there above everybody else, even if those that serve their cause are given preferential treatment.  The fact is they’re in control, which is all that matters to them.  In their own minds, a world under their control is the way it ought to be.

When a person behaves in submission to the narcissist’s controlling tactics, the narcissist is affirmed in their ‘strength’, for they have no moral compass for the belittling they do.  But when someone attacks the attack of the narcissist, there is an indignant response in them, for the narcissist feels entitled to complete respect, even awe, even though they have no respect at a core level for anyone unless that person aligns with their demand that they be reverenced.

Now all this can come on a bit strong.  A lot of this is under the surface in many of our lives if we see it indirectly, and it only comes to the surface circumstantially.  That’s why it’s impossible to catch a narcissist in full flight.  They’re too smart for that!  They have the audacity of, “Catch me if you can,” and they cannot help toying with minds they deem are fragile.

This article is only running at a bit over 800 words.  It’s a glimpse into a world that is foreign to so many of us.  The threat of an article like this, however, is it equips narcissists to ‘skill-up’ in their abuse of others.  My intent, however, is to give you access to their mind so you can retain your own control in situations where you’re vulnerable.

Photo by ksenia-makagonova-9y6oH2qHai0-unsplash-2

Empathy for the Overwhelmed

I’m glad (but I’m really not) that I frequently feel overwhelmed—glad only because I feel I can empathise.  So I can see why it’s important to experience or have experienced various kinds of suffering.

We all have times when we’re overwhelmed.

There are myriad ways we can feel overwhelmed, and often it’s the case that it’s a combination of factors that form a confluence of attack on our wellbeing.

For me personally, it’s usually more than just reaching my threshold of workload—but too much of that leads to the onset of burnout.  But add some personal conflict, stress related to a relationship, together with a lot on my plate, and I’m easily overwhelmed.

But I’m not everyone.

We all suffer when we operate in overwhelm for too long, when we deny again and again what we’re really feeling.  Feelings are an important thing to face.  Rather than continue to deny them, which we only introject into ourselves as stress that we eventually dissociate from, we’ve got the opportunity to apply courage.

That’s what it takes to relieve the overwhelm.

But it’s understandable when feelings are big to avoid them.  We’ve all evaded our feelings.  There’s no shame in running from what’s hard.  We’ve all had our Jonah moments when we couldn’t face what perhaps we needed to.

Much of the time when we are facing momentous and challenging times, we don’t sense the strength and comfort we’d gain from the counsel and support of empathetic others.

There are people we all know who love to help others through a silent, reassuring comfort of just being present, listening, and in terms of ‘advice’, offering only their own stories as good mentors do.

Battling in the overwhelm is no fun at best and desperate work for survival at worst.

You can feel as though there’s no hope, as if all the air’s been sucked out of your lungs, as if your head is going to explode, and your heart’s about to stop.  Insight is hard to manage at these times, so go gently, breathe, find room for space—whatever space you can get, whether it’s time or silence or solitude or sleep (if you can).

There’s no fun in the overwhelm, but if you picture action to reduce the pressure, the overwhelm can be the catalyst for change you need.

Allow me to leave you Psalm 30, and look especially at verses 5 and 11:

A psalm.  A song.  For the dedication of the temple.  Of David.

¹ I will exalt you, Lord,
    for you lifted me out of the depths
    and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
² Lord my God, I called to you for help,
    and you healed me.
³ You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
    you spared me from going down to the pit.

⁴ Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
    praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
    but his favour lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
    but rejoicing comes in the morning.

⁶ When I felt secure, I said,
    ‘I shall never be shaken.’
⁷ Lord, when you favoured me,
    you made my royal mountain^[c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
    I was dismayed.

⁸ To you, Lord, I called;
    to the Lord I cried for mercy:
⁹ ‘What is gained if I am silenced,
    if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
    Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
¹⁰ Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
    Lord, be my help.’

¹¹ You turned my wailing into dancing;
    you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
¹² that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
    Lord my God, I will praise you for ever.

10 strategies to guard your heart and mind when you’re spiritually imperiled

Many conditions of our humanity are cloaked behind spiritual attack.

Much anger, fear, sorrow, especially as we try and ‘think’ our way through complex problems... problems that are all too often unfixable.

I’m learning in this area, but am counselled by the words of Oswald Chambers:

“In intellectual matters you can think things out, but in spiritual matters you will think yourself into cotton wool.”

In other words, the more you try and think yourself out of a spiritual dilemma, the more intertwined you become in the dilemma.

You know you’re under spiritual attack when you try three or six or nine things and nothing makes any difference, which leaves you frustrated and panicked and even more bereft of precious inner resource.

If we aren’t careful, we’ll become spiritually imperiled, which is a crisis of faith, be it temporary for an hour or day or two, or something worse.

These are things to consider when in the grips of turmoil:

1.             Pray.  Yes, that’s right, to sit there, to close your eyes, to look to the heavens, to seek help, to wait patiently... is good... prayer, in a word.

2.             Take a step back, smile, or even laugh if you can—it might take a few moments.  No matter how bad things seem, retreat far enough to regain perspective

3.             When in a funk, do less, think less, try less.  The funk is an indication of imbalance.  Balances are never restored by doing, thinking, or trying more

4.             Keep your mind open to the fact that there is an enemy, without being consumed by paranoia for that fact.  There are invisible powers, but we subvert them simply in doing what’s right—even if that means sitting there in shaking sobs to pay homage to sorrow instead of bowing to the temptation of fury that only hurts others or yourself

5.             What gets us into a pickle is also the key to getting us out.  If too much rumination got us into the mess, true mindfulness will always help—mindfulness being the focus of the mind on one therapeutic (“feels good”) thing at a time

6.             Give way to the feelings of grief you’re hiding from.  Spiritual attack hides itself very well in denial.  But there is peace in the facing, and though it may seem to hurt at the time, what you enter when you enter your pain is something that’s sacrosanct, precious, alluring

7.             Connecting with loved ones or with a key passion is one way to augment mindfulness

8.             Insight will help to arrest the slide.  Spiritual attack is always an attack on insight, and insight is the capacity to see truth.  We think that seeing truth is easy.  It’s not.  Sometimes it’s just impossible to see, hence the lack or void of insight

9.             Get held.  That’s right, sometimes we just need to go to someone we trust and be held, whether that’s a physical or merely spiritual reality is up to you and the person holding you

10.          Let me finish by another quote from Chambers: “Simplicity is the secret of seeing things clearly.”  The simpler you can make things, the simpler you can accept life as it is, the better.

Again and again in this life, we’re brought back to the classical idea to keep it simple.  Much is achieved when things are seen as they are, for what they are, especially when that leads to reflection, gratitude, and peace.

Photo by Melina Kiefer on Unsplash

Your kindness will never harm anyone, but your rudeness might

None of us really ever know what will happen next in life, and this is something we can definitely know about people.  People can be very unpredictable, and if we can see that in ourselves, to predict what another person might do is fraught with every other possibility.

Kindness threatens nobody, but aggression inflicts unknowable wounds.

To be fair, sometimes kindness comes at a cost to the one absorbing hostility as they meet attacks with grace.  Anyone who’s ever done this knows exactly what I mean.  And, of course, the key concern is the pattern of toxic harm that keeps coming, for which we often find we have no answer.

It’s these situations that have caused many to give up hope entirely.

What we all need to see is our world grow kinder, especially in the backdrop of some of the most challenging times everyone’s faced.

The only way we can be kind over the longer haul is by nurturing kindness within, by attaining our own peace, attending to our own healing and self-care.  Of course, some people have more of a capacity for kindness because their hearts have been converted to the rightness of such a motivation for living.

Some, quite frankly, just do not care for it.  They loath the qualities of humility and empathy, and they exist to exploit people and situations because they honestly feel entitled to treat people any way they want.

The person profiled immediately above will often have a contribution—whether directly or indirectly—in the forfeiting of life.  Again, against a backdrop of a myriad of other factors that challenge a person’s mental health, it will be bullying, harassment, and abuse that will tip people over the edge.

It’s not always about the direst consequence, for there are a plethora of ways people check out of life.

Kindness has no such part in the ending of hope, but it actually buoys hope, is a buffer for peace to coalesce, and is a springboard for joy.

Kindness never does even a modicum of harm.  Kindness builds capacity in others, and when we’ve succeeded in giving our away our kindnesses, we always directly or indirectly benefit.

Photo by 30daysreplay Germany on Unsplash