Friday, August 10, 2018

When I’m not enough

There are times
when I feel discouraged
times when I feel my stuff
isn’t nearly good enough.
It doesn’t take me too long, ordinarily, to arrive at a very vulnerable place, where I doubt a great many things, not least about my use of time, my worth in life, what others think of my motives, and my role in others’ lives. Even, if people could do without me. Of course, I know that to those who love me most I am most indispensable. But then there is the insecurity in me that wants to be more to more people.
What I find most interesting about life, as much as it is perplexing, is that we never arrive. None of us is completely grounded in that safe space and place, and those that think they are, or present that as their image, are least to be trusted.
No matter how good our self-image is there are always cracks beneath the surface, and again, the person without any cracks is the most narcissistic of all; their cracks are denied.
I want to be more even though God says I am enough.
I want more from life even though God gives enough.
I want more of others even though God tells me they are enough.
I have come to recognise that my craving for more speaks more to my inner pain than anything else.
I am not proud of the fact that at times security drives me more than it ever should. Even though I laud vulnerability, I truly hate being vulnerable when I don’t have a choice about it, like just about everyone. Such vulnerability is ever a very lonely place to find ourselves.
Even though I know I’m not supposed to compare myself with anybody else, I still do it from time to time, especially when life has gone quiet on me. And I never compare with those who have less. It is only those who have what I want that I compare with.
The fact about this matter is this: whether I believe it or not in my moment of weakness, I am always enough, even if I’m not satisfied with my enoughness.
The same goes for you. You are enough.
God says in Jesus we are enough.

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