Photo by Blair Fraser on Unsplash
THIS is a realistic self-assessment of early loss: I had no idea pain could be this hard, this deep, or how my life could be taken from me so suddenly. I simply have no way of knowing if I will make it through this pain. God, where are you?
I recall one hour of debilitating derangement
that left me unable to do anything but be a wet mess; a paralysis that bad I
needed immediate medical attention. All that was left was the soul, bare as if
all protection had been eroded away.
That encapsulates early grief for me;
eighteen days after the seismic event that started it all. Within one hour my
emotional reality faced a sharp U-turn. I had no idea what hit me.
Early grief exposes us to the
unpredictability of emotions that cannot reconcile reality. Yet, even after six
months a day comes that takes us by complete surprise. It’s as if we were back
in that treacherous early time.
The early experience of loss leaves
us vulnerable to breakdown, bereft of response, ravaged of energy, shell-shocked
by pain.
How do we get through it? We would
like to think, one day at a time it gets better. All time proves though is that
we can bear the weight of it, one day at a time. And that’s about as important
a realisation as anything. We keep thinking there is some magical solution,
and, though there isn’t, that belief sustains us.
If you are in the immediacy of
early grief and you are reading this, know you are not alone. I know you may
feel alone, as if nobody could have ever felt the way you are feeling. It feels
impossibly abnormal, surreal in the worst of ways. It is, of course. Be gentle
with yourself. Go deep into God.
The main thing is to believe you
will get through this. Because if you keep going you will.
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