THIS is a realistic self-assessment of early loss: I had no idea pain could be this hard, this deep, or how my life could be taken from me so suddenly. I simply have no way of knowing if I will make it through this pain. God, where are you?
I recall one hour of debilitating derangement that left me unable to do anything but be a wet mess; a paralysis that bad I needed immediate medical attention. All that was left was the soul, bare as if all protection had been eroded away.
That encapsulates early grief for me; eighteen days after the seismic event that started it all. Within one hour my emotional reality faced a sharp U-turn. I had no idea what hit me.
Early grief exposes us to the unpredictability of emotions that cannot reconcile reality. Yet, even after six months a day comes that takes us by complete surprise. It’s as if we were back in that treacherous early time.
The early experience of loss leaves us vulnerable to breakdown, bereft of response, ravaged of energy, shell-shocked by pain.
How do we get through it? We would like to think, one day at a time it gets better. All time proves though is that we can bear the weight of it, one day at a time. And that’s about as important a realisation as anything. We keep thinking there is some magical solution, and, though there isn’t, that belief sustains us.
If you are in the immediacy of early grief and you are reading this, know you are not alone. I know you may feel alone, as if nobody could have ever felt the way you are feeling. It feels impossibly abnormal, surreal in the worst of ways. It is, of course. Be gentle with yourself. Go deep into God.
The main thing is to believe you will get through this. Because if you keep going you will.