Affirming the Purpose In Our Lives

“You were born an original. Don’t die a copy.”

~John Mason

A core reason for our unhappiness is discontent with the life we have. It sounds obvious. The truth is we often hunger for another life; or of portions of others’ lives. By instinct, envy grabs us. And we appear helpless against it.

But against this flow is the opportunity to wrangle with our essences of originality.

First we must get to know these essences of originality. Then we explore barriers to the acceptance of these.

Researching Our Past

Whilst some of us have had deplorable pasts, and the rest of us have portions of our pasts we would prefer to forget, we will not progress toward the acceptance of ourselves unless we reconcile the role our pasts have played in the becoming of us.

As persons, we are who we have become.

All of what we have endured has gone into the psychic melting pot that comprises us.

There is no healthy rationale for continuing to endure shame because of what happened to us. We had little if no role in the construction project that was, with our parents and guardians as builders, our childhood. We were subject to the elements at play back then. Even the healthiest of upbringings will involve some sense for ongoing shame. None of our parents were that perfect that they made no mistakes. Besides all this, we were born broken.

Accepting what is gone, by doing the inner work to get there, is crucial in being able to move forward.

Redefining Success

Perhaps this is an exercise we need to continually practice. Creating a definition of success that fits with our unique history and personality is a great task. It is a decision and an action of significant assertiveness.

As we accept our essences of originality, taking stock of who we are, we are ideally placed to know what and who we are becoming.

A life that is throbbing with purpose is a good life. Everyone has the same task. When we discover who we are and what we are about our purpose becomes clearer or is affirmed. We are a success when we are on the right road of our purpose.

***

We are no carbon copies. A special purpose for life is the opportunity for all. We were born original and true happiness depends on living purposefully in accord with our originality. Our mission, should we choose to accept it, is to find our purpose and then live it. In that is life!

Who can determine if we are successful? Only we can conclude such an answer.

Only we can know. Only we can make it happen.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Embracing the Depression in Grief

There is not much room for ritual space in this life. People are too busy—fearful of becoming bored with it. But it is a vital place sometimes.

It is essential to be there, to stay there, in order to grieve appropriately.

This is because most reactions to grief, those imposed by fear, implicate us in conflict—usually with ourselves. Times like these we look to escape the pain. We don’t like the conflict.

Ritual space, regarding the season of grief, is that open, painful place where the truth lies. Where we don’t escape from pain, but just stay there, enduring what we can learn of it, suffering well, we stand to grow. This is no sadistic standing ‘in it’. It is not bad for us to stay in this bad place. It is for our good that we can feel all we need to feel, but with support; and, to cry out to God in it.

Ritual space, regarding the season of grief, is a necessary place where the truth is faced. Much of our grief is like a dance around this painful, yet healing, ritual space. In our denial, bargaining and anger we resist the ritual space, but in depression we stay in that space, and only via our depression can we enter into the realm of acceptance—grief’s final frontier.

Two Ways We Deal with Grief

Implied above, we handle our grief by either moving away from the truth in our denial, bargaining and anger, or we move toward it in depression. Only as we wrangle with the depression do we move on, eventually, in the direction of acceptance.

When we are able to hold the ritual space—to not escape the truth in the pain—and just sit there—to deal with what comes up, in truth—we enter our depression gladly.

This seems a very strange concept. How would we enter our depression gladly?

When we rally against the pain, by denial and bargaining usually, we resist the necessary steps to get better. Sometimes we are not ready. That is okay. Every grief has its own path. There is no rush to get there.

Denial, bargaining, and anger all have their role in the grief process.

Yet, until we can handle our depression we will not get better. Ritual space is that place we enter where there is no escape from the depression. In this space we simply ‘be’. And as we confront the full force of the pain we learn it is not that bad after all. This is because we have prepared ourselves stoically for it. In the ritual space itself is healing. It is closeness with God.

***

The depression phase in grief is very important. It is vital to healing. Holding open space for our depression is necessary in becoming whole again. It’s where we face the truth and gradually adjust.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Graphic Credit: vharry.files.

Conflict, Acceptance and Commitment

We can choose to be confounded by conflict—and angered by others’ flippancy and our lack of control—or we can come to a position of acceptance; what follows is commitment. For the faith to meet conflict with patience, we earn confidence to overcome. Such confidence always leads to refreshed commitment to endure.

Processes and Impacts of Conflict

Conflict is always our biggest challenge in a life inherently relational.

People rarely thrive on conflict unless it can be seen that they are somewhat duped. We tend to always regret conflict, because when we hurt people we inevitably hurt ourselves. Not everyone thinks this way, but the majority do.

So it can be seen that conflict is generally regrettable.

We typically feel weak for having been drawn into it. But by our sense of justice, and in our need for fairness, we are momentarily convinced that conflict is worth it.

Some conflicts do work out to be worth it, but many are not. And add to this the issue that many insignificant conflicts are about deeper issues that are much more important. Why not discuss the real issue directly?

Conflict can be a snare, sometimes it is warranted, but it always involves feelings.

It is a great blessing, therefore, when we can add the mood of acceptance to our attitude to the conflict. In this way we remain as balanced as we can be given the circumstances. One balanced person benefits many two-person conflicts.

Balancing the Conflict by Acceptance

If we can achieve an attitudinal balance in the moment of conflict, the conflict probably won’t flare up because of us. Indeed, it probably won’t flare up out of control at all. It generally needs just one calm head to quell a potentially serious conflict between two.

If we can see evidence that our calmness of acceptance is making a difference in the moment of conflict we have a freshened confidence. Perhaps the other party is seeing us care enough and also reciprocates in the moment. We are not a walk-over; we simply advocate a bigger picture perspective.

Acceptance Leads to Relational Commitment

Acceptance is a behavioural marker for maturity. Especially in the case of enraging conflict, calm acceptance goes beyond the irrational expectation of the angered one.

As a result of the responsible aversion to escalate matters, an attitude of care is communicated between the parties. This can be a very powerful force for good. When both parties realise the presence of a momentary amnesty, where aggression makes way for a calm sense of reasonability, opportunities abound for a new resolution.

During the ceasefire the commitment for a better future is much more likely made.

***

A calm acceptance of the status quo in the moment of conflict can be the catalyst for a fresh commitment toward a new start.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Beyond Lands of Disappointment

Is there anything more common than disappointment? We arrive at countless moments in our lives where hope stands shredded. Yet, in context, nearly all of these are fabrications of real disappointment. But we are affected nonetheless. And disappointment is not just about our flailing happiness; each time it is very much a milestone along the wrong road. But beyond lands of disappointment lies a better road. It is our opportunity to realise our wrong way and travel again on the right way.

When disappointment no longer stalls us we have determined the way to victory of soul. God has won us back.

Getting Past Our Worldly Allegiances

No matter how spiritual we get we always have our worldly allegiances to deal with. These are underpinned by primal desires.

Besides the truly significant things—those that, when we lose them, cause us grief—we place a lot of stock in generally insignificant things. And because we can’t control the world we are more or less, by these allegiances, controllable. Our hope plummets in a moment upon bad news.

We need to get beyond being controllable.

Getting past our worldly allegiances is a problem for us. We can never do it sustainably without reminders from God. We would benefit from steady and constant reminders to let go of everything that sets itself up against the purposes of God. We are idolaters by nature. On good days we let go with pleasure, but on less favourable days we naturally grapple with life. And the more we grasp the more we lose, and the more we lose the more we lose sight of the real power in life.

Remembering the Sun Rises Each Day

Maybe we have perennial issues regarding letting go. We always want to hold on.

Yet, as we remember the sun rises each day, the same as it did the previous day, we recall the ancient path is ever close, repetitive, and abundantly accessible. We can jump back on the right path in an instant, by the choice we make to let go and make things simple again.

No matter the nature of the disappointment before us, no matter its steeply harsh gradient, or the peculiarities of its rugged landscape, no disappointment can crush us if we remember hope will arrive again.

The more we remind ourselves how little we have—how little we actually possess—the easier it is to let go and to hold the prizes of the world loosely. In this, however, we also remind ourselves of the things we can actually possess: hope for the sunrise; visions of the sun setting; air to breathe; food to eat; pleasant conversation; and, a million and more in addition.

***

Beyond our lands of disappointment lies a better road. To know God we need to let go of many things that rock our world. Beyond disappointment is hope: its roots are in God.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Emotional Intelligence Simply Defined

Being emotionally intelligent is knowing when and how to express emotion.

This above definition is simple enough, although it doesn’t fit neatly into the four-pillar arrangement of secular emotional intelligence. But being emotionally intelligent by knowing when and how to express emotion implies an acute level of personal and social awareness and management.

There is a key test. Can we respond to each situation in the right emotional way?

Do we weep with those who are weeping? Do we rejoice with those who are rejoicing? Can we weep with ourselves? Can we celebrate within ourselves?

These are all vital clues regarding how emotionally intelligent we are. And, furthermore, these are indicators of how in touch we are with our inner selves.

And how are we to learn when to be ‘emotional’ and when not to be?

Emotions Must Always Be Fitted to Truth

Emotions are always okay, and appropriate, when they are in alignment with reality.

This is not to say that our emotions will be met with the approval of others. Many others may feel uncomfortable at the presentation of our emotion. For some, emotion is disarming, for others it is enchanting, and for others, again, it is bewitching. But when we react emotionally according to the broadly-expected reality our emotions will resonate with at least some.

In some situations emotions get in the way, like in business, and we would be best to exercise emotional self-restraint. But in other situations, like when there has been a loss in the family, we would appear numb if we didn’t react emotionally.

Another key test of true emotional intelligence is the level of instinctual response. Do we respond intuitively, and without thought, or is it a put-on? Is it natural or spontaneous?

Of course, if our emotions are to come as a direct reaction of the broadly-accepted reality, as opposed to our own personal maladaptive reality, we will be emotionally intelligent. We will have reacted as a mature person would. We see here that truth is only represented in the relational context of what could be broadly accepted.

Emotional Intelligence Is a Relational Concept

As we relate with ourselves, and others, and our God, the test of our understanding is the adroitness of our emotional reaction in each moment.

Emotional intelligence is, therefore, a relational concept. It requires the byplay of transaction. By it, a relationship can be rated on its performance—the congruence between the two or more parties to it. We either relate well with ourselves, or not so well. We either relate well with others, or not so well. The same is true for our relationships with God. And if our emotions are askew, and they are reactions not fitted well to the truth of the moment, we are not relating, and, for that time, are not emotionally intelligent.

Emotional intelligence is therefore a moment-by-moment proposition. We can lose it or we can acquire it. Our performance has form. We can be in form or out of form.

***

Knowing when and how to express emotion is a blessing in all relationships. Things go well because the truth is respected and reactions are reliable. Good emotional performance helps people feel safe.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Rediscovering the Power of Realistic Thinking

“Sometimes it is the very pursuit of happiness that stops us from achieving it.”

~Oliver Burkeman

Whilst surely there is a time for positive thinking, there are many more times that call for realistic thinking; even, hazard to say, occasionally, negative thinking.

Could it be that a stoic realism is behind happiness? And maybe ‘living in the present’, as has come to be cliché now in positive-thinking circles, is the true secret behind happiness. If only we could be happy with what we have now. If only we could be content with our shaky pasts, humble situations and circumspect plans.

Increasing the Value of Truth

Realism, of course, honours the truth. It gets carried away with neither positive thinking nor negative thinking. It tries to remain balanced, even in the midst of a life that sets itself to unbalance us.

When we increase the value of truth in our lives, and we begin to go after it with intention, we have a surer path to happiness. Certainly, our lives are not perfect. Life will never be perfect. Our lives will never be free of some pain. There will always be frustrations.

When we get caught up in the unbalanced optimism/pessimism cycle, or when we prefer one or the other, we lose sight of the truth. Our vision becomes selective. Our hearing becomes transient. We perceive only that which fits our frame. Some of what we could perceive we miss out on.

Having the Courage to Live Truthfully

What is the blocker to living truthfully? We know it is the right way, so what prevents us from embarking on this more excellent way to live life?

It takes courage to be completely open to reality: to be honest regarding all our weaknesses; to receive the pains of life as readily as we receive the joys; to guard against protecting ourselves from receiving God’s truth; to be open to God’s will.

There are many reasons why we would subvert reality to make it fit our preferred frame. Much of this is borne from a broken childhood, and from genes we have no say in. All of us have the same problem. We all have a certain propensity toward, and manifestation of, emotional and spiritual blindness. Then we have many fractured relationships to deal with.

When we approach the truth, because we have pure intention, which is borne upon courage, we have the ability to discover or rediscover the power of realistic thinking.

Realistic thinking, though it doesn’t seem to promise much, enlightens us to the majesty in truth for living life. It gives us far more than a promise promises.

Faith is what we need.

***

Positive thinking has its place. But far more superior is realistic thinking. Real happiness comes from being content with reality as it is now. It is possible.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

The Happy Achievement of Goals

Frustration and despair are the natural results of blocked, unachieved goals. In trying to improve our prospects, goal-setting can actually become our nemesis as our lack of situational self-control renders unheralded and void our bold plans for change, again and again. Could it be a trap to look too far forward?

Goal-setting, instead, might better be viewed in reverse:

Hope not so much for what might yet be achieved.

Celebrate instead that which has already been accomplished.

There are two compelling reasons to view our goal-setting from the opposite viewpoint.

The Difference of Peace

When we can focus positively by celebrating what we have already accomplished, the pressure for what is yet to be achieved is diminished. We keep the goal in perspective.

When we give up smoking or resolve to lose weight, we gain confidence even after a few days—for what we have already achieved. But we also become discouraged as we see the journey ahead in fear. All we see is the sacrifice and hard adjustments to make. This makes living in the present a test of endurance; nothing enjoyable.

There are few times in life when the present should be a test of endurance; grief is one of these times. But working towards achieving a goal should not induce grief.

There is a difference of instant peace we notice when our outlook is safely positioned from the hope of accomplishments already experienced.

A Better Chance of the Change Sticking

When our focus has shifted from that which we haven’t yet achieved and onto that which we have, our achievements just continue to grow. As time goes on, confidence begets confidence as the weight of our achievement balloons.

When we have so much to gain by continuing this path, and very little to lose, the changes we have so dearly sought to make have a better chance of sticking.

Staying a non-smoker or keeping the weight off is our biggest challenge. The sustainability of the change we are seeking to make is our biggest test. How much better to look back after one month, after one year, and after ten years having maintained the initial resolve!

We do this best by enjoying the fact that we are achieving our goal each and every day.

***

When we hope not so much for what might yet be achieved, but instead we can celebrate that which has already been accomplished, we feel like winners. Full of hope for what has been achieved we go on and continue to achieve. Now there is no more fear. Now there is no more to lose.

Looking back on what we have already achieved buoys our hope and confidence.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

4 Needs We Cannot Live Without

Besides the physical, security, and survival needs vital to our humanity, every human being has psychological needs, which, if not met, threaten the person’s capability to actualise themselves. That is, where these psychological needs are not met the person in question may miss out on reaching their psychological potential. This is important not only for the person, but for all their loved ones, too. The psychologically healthy person cares for the psychological health of others. The opposite is also true.

That is our primary concern. Personal psychological health has a ripple impact into the family and out into the community. Four basic needs need to be met.

Every human being needs to be identified with, acknowledged, appreciated, and remembered.

1. The Need For Identification

Identity is the soul of each one of us. We build a self-concept and it is continually nurtured by our interactions with our world. How other people see us and treat us is feedback about our identities.

Perhaps our most innate psychological need is that of identity and identification in our world.

2. The Need To Be Acknowledged

Truth is incredibly important for us. Where people have transgressed us we can forgive if there is acknowledgement. Where there is no acknowledgement—no apology, remorse, or restitution—we find it palpably difficult to move on.

This is why National Days of Apology, and organisational apologies for the sins of past, are not only fair but they are necessary. Stolen generations are a good case in point. Child abuse in state care is another. The transgressed deserve the truth to be acknowledged.

Acknowledgement doesn’t make the wrongs right, but it acknowledges the truth of what took place. Each of us has the need for our truths to be validated.

3. The Need To Be Appreciated

Everybody desires pleasant and positive feedback. Where there is a void of reassuring recognition, especially where there are reminders of lack, people lose meaning, and purpose evaporates from their lives. Depression, in these circumstances, can be a natural progression.

On the other hand, when we are appreciated we are accepted. When we are appreciated our sense of identification is bolstered. Appreciation validates our identities, is its own acknowledgement, and it is also sound means for remembrance.

4. The Need To Be Remembered

Legacy is more important to most of us than we realise. We notice this most when we consider our loved ones who have departed. We look for what we can retain their memory by. We are saddened by the fact we can’t retain more. Existence is so limited, and, because of this, our legacy is ever more poignant.

A great gift we can give another person is to remember them. The wisest of people understand it is their legacy that will live on beyond them.

***

We have four core psychological needs: 1) to enjoy a safe identity; 2) to receive acknowledgement from our world; 3) to gain appreciation for what we do and for whom we are; and, 4) to be remembered for the good things we have done.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Acknowledgement: to Pastor Allan Thomas of Parkerville Baptist Church, Perth, Western Australia, for the fourfold structure I have used herein.

Frustration Is Closer Than We Think

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

~Carl Gustav Jung

If we extend the above quote about the irritations that others provide us, also to situations that irritate us—because other people are very often central in situations—we can conclude that there is something very personal about all irritations. It is no giant leap to see where this ends: how we take our irritations says a lot about our relationships with ourselves.

A highly irritated and moody person is generally very unhappy within.

Irreconcilable issues taunt us, and most often they occur unconsciously. Our best clue is our emotional state and how rational our behaviours are. Self-destructive behaviours, especially those that have a gradual impact on our physical health, are a key indicator of the frustrations within us that we struggle to contend with.

Working With The Symptoms To Define The Causes

Our biggest barriers to happiness are not symptoms of our unhappiness, but the causes deeper underneath. There is always more to be told. That is why it is pointless to work on addressing the symptoms of our problems, when the causes will continue to prevail. Working on symptoms proves unsustainable. Addressing the causes will prove healing in the long run.

If we can be truthful with ourselves regarding our inner issues, as we explore them, we can, at last, begin to self-actualise and even transcend our former selves.

In doing such a thing we address the key source of our frustration; this is our inner angst which is felt when we continually miss the mark regarding our deepest wishes.

As most of our deepest wishes remain elusively out of range, so to speak, we can still gain insight into ourselves through our frustrations and those goals we find hard to meet.

Anything that shows us proof of the frustrations we ordinarily bear should be heeded. But our human default is to deny these indicators of our frustrated inner selves. Our frustrations are indications of a denied spirituality; of the spirituality within each of us that lies ignored.

And perhaps we have more in common regarding our spirituality than we think.

Defining Our Common Spirituality

We are gentle spirits. God designed us to live peacefully, not to be at continual conflict. But our broken world, and our broken selves, are continually exposed to conflict; conflict within and conflict without. That is, conflict with ourselves and conflict with others.

Reducing our exposure to unnecessary conflict reduces our experiences of frustration.

If we are to give credence to our spirituality—our innate gentleness—where conflict has us reacting violently because we resent these attacks on our gentility—we need to acknowledge our gentleness and cater for it. We need to make room for it, declaring moratoriums on certain unnecessary activities and wasteful thinking that are foreign to gentleness.

At our happiest we are contentedly gentle spiritual beings; happy within, happy without. Our frustrations are vital clues revealing how to attend better to our spirituality. It is best that we take our frustrations seriously and learn from them.

The more we live in alignment with our gentle spirituality the more we will be blessed. The more we acknowledge our spirituality the less frustrated we will be.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

Peace and Quiet Within

When all is noisy about,

Yet all is quiet within,

Any thought for doubt,

Doesn’t even begin.

Peering out the window,

Rain pouring down,

Oh, what a show!

No sign of a frown.

When we’re at peace to see,

Thunder and lightning about,

Inside and safe is glee,

Gatherings of praise to shout.

***

How wonderful it is to be inside during a thunderstorm, as we peer through our windows at the awesome display that God’s creation can unleash.

It is as if there is even more peace available during dangerous times when we feel especially safe. Positioned to safely observe, where no one else is at threat, because if they were we would not feel safe, we are able to delight at the wonder unfolding before our eyes.

And the power of such images flood back into our minds, and well-up pleasantly warm feelings in the heart, of times past when we were blessed with such safety.

When we feel peace and quiet within, time tends to stop. When we feel so safe the ever-threatening world seems more irrelevant than ever. When we feel so safe, rare as it might occur, we may have the gift of God—to replay the image again whenever we feel unsafe.

Coiling up in front of the fire or resting on the bench watching the sun set over the ocean, or anywhere where life unfolds before us in beauty, we have this gift.

The gift of feeling peace and quiet within is no ordinary gift—it is God’s sure and comforting Presence in the world that we too often find scary.

The value of such a memory packs double power. We recall it by memory and we attain a memory for it. In the latter situation, what we are saying is we tend to unconsciously seek the space to create more and more peace and quiet within. And that is very good. The more we desire peace, the more effort we put in to achieve peace, the more we are bound to experience peace.

When we experience peace and quiet within we are sold.

Never is there a better experience for a human being than peace and quiet within.

Once it has been enjoyed, this sense of holy Shalom in the world, we are converted. When we are so convinced that goodness-of-soul is possible we want more and more of it. Sometimes the trick is impatience for the troubling times we have to deal with. We cannot have peace and quiet within at all times, which is frustrating.

But we can plan to have times of peace and quiet within. Having experienced such times all we can do is manufacture the circumstances and let God do the rest.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.