I think we all sense that moving on with our lives—whether it be from loss and grief, or the sadness, disappointment, and even betrayal of relationship breakdown—relies upon accepting change. And especially change that happens to us, that we have no control over.
One way of converting loss into growth is by embracing the unlearning journey. That is, the concept operationalised in our lives of starting over, of departing from known schemas, of reinventing ourselves from a different mindset.
This, of course, is one of the hardest things to do, or at least it seems like a hard thing to do. It is hard to the extent of breaking old habits, forming new attitudes, leaving behind what was. But it is easier if we imagine the freedom that comes from willingly and joyously walking not the opposite way but another way.
This essentially is adding a loss upon a loss because unlearning involves departing from what we know, and that can seem like another loss, when in loss we want to maintain as much of the status quo as we can.
In unlearning and unbecoming we give ourselves
a chance of living something we’ve never lived before.
When we have experienced loss, maybe the last thing we want to do is take a risk. But in the nexus of loss, in the pivot point of grief, is the opportunity of a lifetime to put the old schema aside and build a new paradigm—because we are in control of that.
Think about it for a moment. There is probably no better time than to be either locked in and paralysed by the thought of change, or to be inspired and motivated to let go of the past entirely. In grief, we can experience both polarising states of being.
The best way of moving boldly forward is
agreeing to be at peace with leaving the past behind.
The process of doing might be more complicated
but at least our attitude is aligned with unlearning.
I recall those earliest and darkest moments of divorce, and how dreadful those moments were. Times I felt like I was dying of anguish, heartbreak, and fear. No hint of exaggeration. And yet, there were times in that season where I was ready to launch into something uncharted, and indeed my steady climb out of the abyss of marriage failure relied upon embracing elements of a life that I didn’t yet know would be good.
Trusting movement in those vulnerable days may have been hard, but provided I moved in good faith with courage, these moves were always blessed. Going to AA, recommitting my life to God, choosing to be a school mentor, becoming a totally devoted parent, accepting the call of God in my heart, etc.
Catholic contemplative Richard Rohr OFM says that spirituality is essentially about letting go. He quotes ancient mystic Meister Eckhart who says spirituality’s much more about subtraction than addition. It reminds me of Job (1:21) who having lost all his livestock, servants, and all his children, nearly 4,000 years ago said, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” It reminds me that the nature of loss is to lose, it’s to have something subtracted from our life, but it’s also the invitation to unlearning the old way, as the “new normal” takes hold in our lives and we gradually learn how we can shape it.
A lot of unlearning is in letting go or forgiving what’s happened. That can seem unconscionable. Especially where there’s a strong element of injustice. Anger is something that needs to be processed. Being honest is key no matter how unpalatable the issues at hand are.
Forgiving and letting go involve tremendous patience,
gentleness, and empathy with oneself,
but when we believe it can be done, it can be done.
The quest of spirituality is in the letting go, of unbecoming, of losing, of unlearning. When we can subsist gratefully in loss, in having nothing, literally nothing can crush our hope, and that’s a fervent, pulsating, cogent spirituality. But, of course, it’s a spirituality that cannot be simply imagined, it must be lived, and living it is easier said than done. And when it is lived, it’s the most confident and contented life. A truly spiritual life is lived.
Maybe the best affirmation and confirmation that we are on the right track spiritually is we can contemplate letting go of what was to embrace what is.
If we’re not there yet, that’s okay, but it’s something to conjure in our imaginations, it’s something to hope for and strive for. It’s simply about having an openness to the concept that will ultimately bring the concept to bear as fruit in our lives—eventually. As a spirituality, that’s faith in a nutshell.
The process of unbecoming is part of the process of becoming, and that takes years, and realistically it’s a decades-long, lifetime work. Knowing that, knowing that there’s no hurry, we can be gentle and patient and empathetic toward ourselves.
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