Are you really a “people pleaser”?

Chances are when you’ve read this you’ll realise that you’ve been gaslighting yourself all these years.  You may realise that you aren’t the “people pleaser” that you thought you were.  I can tell you that so many of you aren’t, and this is why:

There are certain social situations, including family situations, working situations, and church situations, where we encounter the narcissist, the control freak, the manipulator, the deflector, the intimidator, the person bent on having their way.  So many of our relationships are twisted in the shape of control, one insisting on control over the other.

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The truth is we should all be applauded for wanting to please people, for desiring to love others, and we should not be punished for wanting the best for others as if it’s a weakness.  Being generous-hearted is a virtue not a vice.  Desiring to give what we can is a biblical trait, and it ought to be acknowledged as such.  This is a praiseworthy quality.

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Let’s dig into the heart of what I’m trying to clarify here.

Imagine you’re in a situation where a person requires from you something that you either can’t give or should not give, but they insist upon it anyway, as manipulators constantly do.  They may be underhanded or even overt.

They know your good heart, and they have decided to exploit it.  They’re entitled, and that compels them.  They seek to master you, to turn your strength into a weakness.  And they are determined to have their way, because it’s an intriguing game to many of them.  They don’t care about what it costs you, and in fact some are even delighted when it costs you because they get some sick satisfaction out of it.

The manipulative person gets what they want because you have been coerced and controlled, and you have responded through fawning, which is simply to pacify an impossible situation—because it’s all you could do.  Remember, good people don’t require this of anybody, any time.

The manipulative person gets what they want, meaning they take advantage of your goodness.  This very manipulation is the commencement of a chain reaction of levels of gaslighting.

Firstly, in knowing you’ve been “had,” you gaslight yourself, saying, “I shouldn’t be such a people pleaser.”  In other words, you let them off the hook, because THEY are the ones responsible for initiating the manipulation, not you.  It’s never good to be manipulated, but you didn’t start it.  You were forced to respond at a moment’s notice to something you could not have foreseen.  No wonder you “fawned.”

Of course, there is the opportunity to employ boundaries, and the wise empath does this, but these behaviours need to be learned, and courage is a necessity, but besides, it requires shrewd discernment to anticipate the twisted ways of a manipulator.

Secondly, there are onlookers who aren’t witnesses to the manipulation, or they cannot see it (which is common), and they see it as your fault.  In other words, they have preferred to engage in gaslighting you, intentionally or unintentionally, rather than keep the manipulator accountable.

Whichever way we look at it, it’s always the victim who gets punished and gaslit, and the one who did the manipulation in the first place tends to get away with it.

Have you ever noticed that giving to people who are not manipulative is always a blessing, and reciprocation is the order of the day.  Have you noticed how much trust abounds when we give to others who truly appreciate the gift and recognise the goodness behind it.  Have you also noticed those who have served you, who did so without needing to be manipulated by yourself, who served you by choice.  These are the relationships to nurture, because as one safe person relates with another much blessing is enjoyed.  There’s not a threat in sight!

It's nothing like this in situations where “people pleasing” comes into effect.

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It’s too much of a cliché that nice people are people pleasers.  We have made the good people bad, just as we have allowed the bad people to get away with murdering the reputations of the good by their malevolent actions.

So I do contend, are you really a “people pleaser”?  Are you really that “weak” that you are a doormat to even the good people in your life?  (Truth is, good people would not allow you to be manipulated.)  Or is it the case that you want the best for others, and you have sufficient humility to serve others and to sacrifice for them, which when I last looked was a virtue, not a vice?

I really want you to reflect on this, because so-called “good people” have been enabling and empowering the wrong people, and I’m sure we have all joined in.

It’s time to discern the motives in others who would coerce and control us to the degree that we would fawn and give them their way.  Others, who we could define as good people, would be mortified if ever they reflected on their behaviour and were able to see that they’ve manipulated anyone—this is where repentance sorts good people from manipulators.  Repentance is beautiful, forgiveness-worthy justice in action.

You might be justifiably angry having read this, because it never feels good to be gaslit, and especially when we have been forced to gaslight ourselves.

If you recognise that you’re fawning behaviour is due to the manipulation and control of others, join the club of those who are forced to behave in ways they would prefer not to be—that’s most of us.  So you’re not as “weak” as you or others suggest.  And now enrol in the club that employs boundaries so wicked manipulators are not fawned to.

We ought to all be on our guard for all kinds of manipulations, and to refuse point-blank to fawn at our own and others’ expense just so a manipulative party can have their way.

The truth is, we are all capable of manipulating people, but it is blessed to be manipulated rather than be the manipulator which is a curse that must be appropriately repented of.