“Do not try to avoid upsetting people:
just make sure that you are upsetting the right ones.”
—Dr Henry Cloud
When I first read this quote, it jarred. But it got my attention. I wondered whether it was overreaching to begin with: surely we don’t want to be encouraging people to upset others?
But when you think about it, just about every empathic person cannot help but protect others so often to their own detriment. We call it “people pleasing” or “fawning”. It can be hard for an empath to stand their ground when others are getting upset. They would rather “keep the peace.”
Empaths feel more than others do; they feel more of their own emotion than non-empaths do, and they discern others’ emotions, which can be both a gift and a burden.
When I dug a bit deeper into the Henry Cloud post, these extra words help contextualise the initial meme:
“If you are successful in life, you are guaranteed to upset some people in your life. If the loving, kind, responsible, honest people in your life are upset with you, you should take a hard look at your choices. But if the controlling, unstable, irresponsible, or manipulative people are upset, then it could very well be a sign you're moving in the right direction.”
—Dr Henry Cloud
We don’t want to upset people. That’s understood. But there are times in life when it’s only when we’re doing the right thing that we definitely will upset certain people.
That’s what these quotes are getting at.
When it’s a situation when we must acquiesce to another person’s demands, we’re actually not doing the right thing by complying. We’re rewarding their bad behaviour with our compliance. They will learn nothing about how to maintain a relationship, or the value of respecting boundaries and social norms, if we keep doing that.
Indeed, as it was pointed out to me recently, our “sin” in a particular conflict situation if we were abused is to accept their responsibility—to own some or the whole of their contribution. Now you may think that unfair. But what it’s really saying is we all have a role to love others, and sometimes people need the love of the truth that is just left there, with them, and it is their choice to reflect or not.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “PEACEKEEPING” AND “PEACEMAKING”
There’s a sharp divergence between the two concepts “peacekeeping” and “peacemaking.” The divergence occurs in the first word, peace. Peace is not attained by “keeping” it when it’s not actually there. If we think we’re keeping the peace by avoiding conflict, we’re deluded.
The difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking, in an individual relationship context, so we’re not talking about international and global missions here, is peacekeeping is the avoidance and mitigation of conflict, but peacemaking is about confronting and resolving conflict. Peacekeeping is a holding pattern. It’s about keeping a status quo. Peacemaking on the other hand is about reconciliation and the restoration of relationships wherever possible.
Peacekeeping is essentially about poise, whereas peacemaking is essentially about courage.
The Henry Cloud quote at top is jarring to empaths because they don’t want to upset anyone. And that’s a wonderful God-blessed heart to possess. It truly is. And that heart is definitely blessed when that love is reciprocated.
The Henry Cloud quote is also jarring to those who would exploit people, but they’re less likely to be bothered about it. And of course, it jars with our sensibility around loving people.
But we cannot truly love people when our love is devoid of the truth.
But we cannot also truly love people if we turn on them, either.
These two above are to be held in tension in the Christian faith, truth and love, and we do not love people against the truth. Love doesn’t work that way.
It’s important to recognise that some people getting upset, under certain circumstances, isn’t always a bad thing. Especially when it’s about us standing responsible ground and not being coerced into doing things we shouldn’t. These are our responsibilities under love.
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