Those who expect too much won’t understand explanations

It’s perhaps something we are destined to need to learn again and again and again.  The very people who expect too much of us will never understand our explanations.  The opposite irony is also apparent: those who never expect too much always seem to understand without needing to be told.

The problem we have is we feel that we need to justify ourselves when we cannot give what another person expects us to give; when they demand we give them something we’re not prepared to give.

Needing to justify ourselves can be a gnawing feeling.  Needing to be understood.  We can feel as if we need to convince the other person.  And if only the other person was capable of understanding they wouldn’t expect too much in the first instance.

Most people, and especially highly sensitive people (HSPs), loath being misunderstood.  Thankfully we live in an era where the term highly sensitive person doesn’t carry the stigma it once did.  The fact is sensitive people make this earth a kinder place to live.

Inevitably one of the parts of growing up is not so much getting over our hurt when we are misunderstood, it’s actually the opposite, and that is to learn that some explanations are never required.

The scenario we’re looking at here is relationships where we don’t have a contractual obligation to provide explanations, because in certain situations in life we are required to explain ourselves.  Where we’re not, it’s important that we manage people’s expectations well.

The person who has unfair expectations, who has demands on our time, space, energy, etc, will never bend one inch toward us in understanding or in seeking to understand.  Their prerogative is themselves.  And we can never change that about them.  The first step in amending these situations is accepting we cannot change the other person.  It is madness to think otherwise.

When we stop explaining ourselves, we wrest back control that we give away to the other who will not understand.  But when we seek to justify ourselves, we offer them a level of control that we ought not to give up to those who have proven they don’t hold that power well.

There are nuances in this of course, but ordinarily anyone who places demands on us that we consider to be extraneous or unfair, beyond whatever reasonable contract we have with them (if there is any such contract), where expectations are unreasonable, that person proves they’re untrustworthy of that level of intimacy we would like to give them.

When I talk about intimacy, I am obviously not talking about romanticism, I’m simply talking about a functional trusting relationship.  When I talk about intimacy, I’m also saying that those we’re intimate with we’ll offer explanations to.  Those who don’t or won’t understand prove by their lack of understanding that they’re unworthy of the intimacy we’d bestow on them.

The best thing about sensitive people is their care for others, all others.

Sensitive people find it distressing that they’re best withholding a portion of their love and care from certain others.  It can take them a long time and many errors of others’ unkindness to learn.  Sensitive people want to be free to love people unconditionally and without thought.

The sad thing about life is many relationships don’t offer this safety of loving people how we would like to love them.

It is best for the world — not always for the self, however — to be sensitive.  But not everyone else is sensitive, and even sensitive people can feel ‘missed’ by others, which can lead to demands and expectations that cannot be met.

The best position for any person to be in is a position of not needing anything from anyone.  That’s the healthiest position from which to offer what we have to our world, purely from a giving space.  But obviously there are limits to what we can give.

Where we give explanations to people who won’t be satisfied and which may even reinforce their perception of us, we stand to feel even more misunderstood.

The motive in trying to explain our situation is around endeavouring to be understood, or it can be because we’re fawning (in feeling coerced, trying to simply please someone), but our motive needs to be of not needing anything from anyone.

And certainly not feeling like we need to explain everything to everyone.  What a gift it is to ourselves and often times others we care about when we resist the anxious urge to justify how we think and feel, as if these realities are important to someone who may either not care or may wish to use it against us.