One of the key things I’ve had the privilege of reflecting on in the past 19 years, and particularly in the three years before I met Sarah, was, what had I learnt and what was I learning in order to not repeat the same mistakes I made in my first marriage.
It’s true, the failure of that marriage wasn’t all down to me, but I can only do what I can do, and like all of us we have the responsibility to manage what we can, to heal the hurts we have, to develop more empathy, to amend harmful patterns of behaviour, to prepare for the next relationship, so there will be less dysfunction.
Across the board, 50 percent of marriages fail, and that’s a pretty depressing statistic. It beckons to us the reality that we must take with all seriousness in preparing for marriage and managing our marriage relationship, so we don’t end up harming our spouse or being harmed.
The key learning areas, the way I see it,
surround the key character traits of humility and courage.
Humility in the first regard, to understand our own contributions toward conflict and communication and other areas where marriages can fail. This is the capacity for self-reflection, and the capacity for facing uncomfortable truths. Humility to change.
But it’s also courage that’s needed in the second regard. Courage to be able to challenge dysfunctional dynamics in past and present relationships, to learn from the red flags, to ensure those wrongs are not repeated, especially when it’s others who exact these wrongs against us. In some cases, it’s learning to say no, it’s standing up more often, it’s speaking the truth in love.
Our present and future relationships can fail one of two ways. First, it’s our lack of humility, but secondly it maybe a lack of courage in challenging dynamics early enough, to give our partner a chance they need to face any unsavoury or even abusive dynamics. Just like we must face these too. Or the propensity for either them or us to absorb too much of the pain.
Let’s assume for the present argument that we have humility stowed, that we can self-reflect, that it’s typical that you see your own contributions to the dysfunctions within marriage. That’s all you can bring, and it’s necessary to bring it, but our partner also needs to bring this to the marriage.
Perhaps we’re in situations where we tried to get through to our marriage partners, and so far, we feel like we have failed, or their lack of attention is their refusal to face the truth we have been brought to them. Either they have refused to listen, or they do not care. They have refused to reflect and take account of what is within their control to change.
All we’re asking is that together, as an entity unified as a family, as individuals to the covenant of marriage, that we might individually look at any areas of marriage failure and simply take personal responsibility enough to offer the marriage hope.
All marriages that hope to survive the perils of ambivalence and destruction need to be able to negotiate the obvious hazards that come against any family unit. It takes two strong hearts, both committed to doing their own work, to own their own deficiencies, to do whatever recovery work they personally need to do.
Learning from marriage failure needs to be the objective of every person who seeks to wed again. If these lessons aren’t learned, the cycle of pain continues once the honeymoon period ebbs quickly away. When consciousness for the red flags suddenly becomes apparent.
As we prepare for courtship, we need to ask ourselves the tougher question, “Have I corrected what I need to correct to ensure I’m a safe and enjoyable partner?” and just as much we need to ask the question of our prospective partner — before we commit to them — “have you corrected what you needed to correct to ensure you’re a safe and enjoyable partner for me?”
The pain of not entering where angels would fear to tread is a better pain than committing to a relationship that will only inflict destruction upon more lives than the two involved.
Most important for any of us who have been to marriage failure, is work hard at being honest, because there’s a lot to work on before we’re ready for the next relationship.
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