19 years today, a mother’s private moment of overwhelming grief

In this article I’m not talking about periods of grief, I’m more talking about moments of overwhelming grief within the grief process, and part of this is triggered by the 19th anniversary of one of the most terrible days suffered by my parents and I.

Being that it is October 9, it had been a hellish week for me since October 4 (2003), I was two weeks into separation from my now ex-wife, had only just learned that she was in another relationship, and this particular day Dad was undergoing major knee surgery that would end up keeping him immobile for six months, completely dependent on others, especially Mum.  Looking back it was the just about the worst time imaginable.

Mum and Dad were worried sick my welfare, and I was suicidal for at least part of this timeframe.  Dad crumbled in Mum’s arms after he had the pre-med injection prior to the surgery, and he wept bitterly because he was so sorrowful for the end of the marriage and morbidly fearful for my wellbeing.  Mum held it together for Dad, just as she’d held it together for me when we spoke briefly on the balcony while the nurses attended Dad.

Once Dad was off to surgery, Mum went to the motel unit the hospital had provided and grieved the sorry situation of our lives for several hours alone.

She wept bitterly there for that three-hour period because it was all too much.

As a mother and grandmother in a situation where part of her family was disintegrating, she had borne too much stress and strain, and yet, like a lot of parents and grandparents, she held it together until she was alone and could grieve privately, without anyone worrying about her.

I know that for Mum this wasn’t the only moment of intense agonising grief she had, she had many of them, but it never affected her resilience for her husband, her children, and grandchildren, etc.

I know there are many occasions where fathers and others will face the same moments, but I thought it was poignant in this situation what that day was like for my mother 19 years ago today.

The fact that she absorbed so much over the years — and the fact that perhaps you do in your role, too — is testament to the role of carers within families, where there is only one role for such a person, and that is to be there for their family, and do what must be done.

Mum is quoted as saying, “No one, and certainly not #####, sees the impact this all has on us as parents and grandparents.  We tend to hide our emotions to enable us to be supportive.”  Dad only crumbled in her arms as he did because there was nobody else around.  Parents and grandparents often suffer in silence.

I know this horrible period of life for my parents (September 2003 to mid-2006) brought so much pressure, stress, anguish, and change.  And that’s what comes into a lot of our lives with the least warning.

I just find it sad in a way that Mum had to grieve alone, but it also makes me proud that she had the strength to hold it together for me and others in my family at this time and at other times.