Please stop telling people to forget their past

When I see quotes like, “Your journey will be much lighter and easier if you don’t carry your past with you,” this one by Brigette Nicole, I get a little frustrated for the message it sends. I get what’s being said, and I agree to a point, but it’s unrealistic and unattainable — at least the way it’s suggested — and, besides, it continues the myth that whatever is ‘easier’ is best.

Are we supposed to forget who we are
or where we have come from?

Is anyone even able to do such a thing? If not, it’s a silly thing to say, and it sows unrealistic hope in vulnerable hearts. Carrying our past with us is inherent in being human. We cannot undo our memory. We cannot choose what we remember, just like at times we cannot retrieve what we would prefer not to forget. We just don’t have that sort of control over our minds. This sort of quote sounds good, and we would all love it if what it said were possible, but it doesn’t match up with many people’s reality. It therefore betrays them, making them feel inferior.

The reason why such wrong teaching clings to our minds is that we want what we cannot have. So much so at times we’re prepared to believe what isn’t possible to pretend we can transcend our reality. If only we could.

What we cannot have, we imagine we could have, because we think others have mastered it. In some cases, they have. But mastery is never achieved through denial. And I sincerely wonder if authors of these sorts of pithy quotes live what they write.

There is a second problem with the quote, before I make the point I wish to make.

We’re caught up in a postmodern world
that worships ease.

This is a big problem, because life is not easy. We’re destined for despair when we reduce faith down to what it can do for us. Faith’s main product is to enable us to live as we ought to live. It’s only a by-product of faith that we’re blessed with peace, hope and joy in the process.

But in our modern day, we’re so attached to ease, we prioritise anything that might alleviate discomfort, and at times we can miss the very things that God facilitates for our growth. But let us also not make ourselves ‘champions’ because of what we suffer. Magnify God, alone, for what our Lord may do despite the horrendous circumstances we find ourselves in.

Now…

What if you cannot just leave the past behind?

The main issue I have with the quote is where it leaves those who have experienced trauma, unparalleled loss, chronic illness, relationship breakdown, or any other circumstance of past that doesn’t or won’t get better in the future. Their pasts don’t leave them.

With a tremendous amount of therapy and other supports and a journey replete with courage and growth, a trauma survivor can learn coping mechanisms, but they can never forget their past. They continue to carry it with them. Heaven knows, it becomes part of their purpose if they so wish or feel so called. Nobody ministers better with those who have trauma than someone who’s worn those scars.

Then, there’s loss. It’s like the fact we lost our infant son. Whilst it isn’t a trauma, that loss we can never undo. We continue to miss him. We continue to lament that his older brother is kind of an only child — with sisters that are 15-21 years older than he is. We continue to have mixed feelings whenever we hear of pregnancies and beautiful births. We keep seeing children of the age he would be today, and always we think, what if? We cannot undo what has happened to us. Our past informs our present and future.

I am on the Board of a charity for children with Pallister-Killian Syndrome (which our son, Nathanael, had). These parents tell me all the time that there is a grief they continue to carry with them, because their children will never reach normal milestones. Their children face issues of society’s rejection constantly. These parents are more prone to depression, anxiety, fatigue, burnout and despair than parents with ‘normal’ children. Then there are parents who have children with disorders. I can tell you from personal experience, as a parent, you continue to compensate for and grieve your child’s situation even amid the acceptance you do reach. For so many parents I talk with there’s guilt they feel borne out of love, of wanting better for their children, and they’ll often concede that they truly bear no fault, yet still battle guilt.

Besides all this, we all have things we regret. Many times, life compensates us in some different way, and we move on. But not always does this happen. When this doesn’t happen, the past can loom large. And how many of us — fully devoted of faith — have had significant seasons, lasting years or even a decade or more, where the past was irrepressibly present?

Our past is the hugest part of who we are.

Photo by Laura Fuhrman on Unsplash