Becoming Woman

It was the opportunity of a lifetime but truly it was the end of one life, as that life plunged into the abyss of irrelevance. Suddenly, however, without any anticipation, there was a glimmer of hope out of the grip of death, and when you’ve lost everything, that’s how you feel — dead — indeed, worse than, because you’re still alive. It is a revenant experience nobody can endure without being transformed.

The opportunity was this:
become woman.

Not physically obviously. But to somehow get inside the psychology of woman. Not of another woman, but to truly endeavour to be woman — the woman I would have been had I been born female. Why? Why on earth would a man feel this way, or even want to or need to do such a thing?

To somehow become a better, more rounded man. I had failed a marriage. I had missed the mark with my then-wife. I had three beautiful daughters. I had hopes to marry again. My mother had been a solid model of womanhood to me. Suddenly, those who came alongside me, among the men, were women, important ladies who had wisdom and qualities men didn’t have in the main.

God had literally told me to my spirit that, “I am giving you a second chance.”

But God required me to get ready. Now, 15 years ago, was the time to get steeped in preparation.

I had to find out, as a man, how far I was from becoming fully human. I had to find out how much I had to learn; in not being one gender I was not fully the other. In not being woman, I could not truly be a man. I was learning to be completely open. (That journey continues, because one thing you learn is it’s a process of progress, not perfection.)

Simply put, I had to become what I was not.

I had to learn what the most obvious flaw I had was. I had to address how I just could not see. I had to become what I so seriously lacked. Overnight I began to crave understanding about what was at that time an enigma. And just as God is faithful, I was granted the ability — which is no destination at all, indeed, it is farthest from destination as ever. (This is woman thinking as opposed to man thinking.)

Men tend to fix problems, whereas to accept that
you cannot ‘fix’ some problems is to be woman.

That is but one facet that men
miss out on in not becoming woman.

I lacked the strength, the perspective, the empathy, the vulnerability, the care of woman. And more. Those specific gender qualities I lacked. Those qualities of God and the fullest capacities of humanity embodied in Jesus.

What was I missing? I had to erase the overweening pride of chauvinism that undergirded fear that compelled me to quietly master the people in my life. I had to let go of it all as I saw how heinously fear was driving me. Needing to be in control masters us and I fear that, as a man, it was driving me.

I looked strong and capable, but it was a golden veneer.

I had strong attitudes but a weak character, and character comes out when it’s tested. I was convicted, but by the wrong things, or when it was the right things, I was convicted in the wrong way.

There was something wrong. For years. Actually, all my life to that point. And, for me, the answer stared me in the face and didn’t become apparent until time was called on that old life; when someone else saw through what I’d become. When she did, and when I was flummoxed, I too took a step back, made an honest 12-Step assessment and couldn’t agree more.

Many men and many women will possibly not understand what I’m saying here. And that’s okay. What I suppose I’m calling men to is a reality of being that is more fully human.

I could not become more fully man
without first becoming a little more woman.

It’s interesting what generates this article: out of a session of deep therapy with another man journeying in the same direction as I had, I found myself asking him, “Can you become woman?”

Of course, the question left him staggered for a response. Notice how the best questions do that? They lead us to the unanswerable place of stillness. A place where we cannot solve the problem. This is a good place to enter a deeper spirituality. Where our pride cannot survive.

And that is another quality of becoming woman that is hard for a man; but not impossible. He will get there if his heart is open. And he will know God more because of it.

Even as I reflect having written and having posted this article, I still feel it is inadequate, which is possibly a great fortune, knowing I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. But the search is like that, isn’t it? We’re compelled to keep plumbing the depths of God to understand more and love better. And I truly hope it is even appropriate to share this with you; I don’t automatically assume I have license to share into this area.

Photo by Artem Kovalev on Unsplash