Caring for someone when you’ve got nothing left to give

It is uncanny how often I’ve known of someone who is in the caregiving position who has also been burning out. It seems very likely that anyone who cares for someone else will, at some point, find they are in crisis themselves.

The carer themselves needs a network of support.

What gives when the resources in the caregiver start to give out? What happens when the person who is relied upon can no longer be relied upon? I know what happens in the caregiver. They panic. And in such a desperation, a crisis forms, the person being cared for stresses out, and anxiety can consume the whole situation.

To impossible moments comes a friend, called desperation.

As we cry out, there is a kind of desperation that facilitates a new mindset, if panic hasn’t taken over completely.

Whether we are being cared for or we are the carer we must somehow remember, that in moments of crisis we are no good to each other if we panic. But we are better for each other, and better as a team, if only we could still the moment of angering and saddening stress, be with each other and for each other, as we work with each other to overcome, or survive through, the trial.

Many times, it’s the carer who alone can impact this, and they must accept there are some things they cannot change. But…

We must endeavour through faith, even when hope is hard.

Very often moments of desperation supersede the attainment of what we need.

It is amazing out of how many crises comes the way forward. And usually this is because the moment of desperation forces us out of the comfortable, lazy equilibrium where we are satisfied to do nothing; where we find we have put up with what wasn’t working.

The person who gives care also has, as part of their role, the job of caring for themselves.

At certain times it feels like an onerous responsibility — it feels too much. The carer may easily have been sucked into feeling like they must be the answer to everything. Even as a carer may read these words, the light might go on within them, and they may say, “Yes, that’s right… That is how it has become.”

Of course, a situation like this cannot be sustained. Nobody can be the answer to everything. And the pity for carers and those who are cared-for alike, is there is an unwritten expectation within both that may well be unrealistic, impracticable, and even unworkable.

Everybody needs respite.
Through no fault of the other person.

Caring for someone when you’ve got nothing else left in you is a dangerous situation for everyone in that system of care. Something will give if it is not tended to. Extra support must be sought and received. And there ought not to be any guilt for either or any party because of it.

Systems of care must ooze care.

They must be backed up and back ended and thought thoroughly through to this end. They must imagine the unlikeliest scenarios and have planned-for workarounds. Most of all, a flexible and stable approach, where reasonability is at the forefront, must underpin the approach.

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash