How do I help my depressed loved one?

It is not only one of the hardest things to see our loved ones suffer debilitating depression, but it can also be frustrating for us and them when nothing seems to work to help—for either us helping or them who is trying to overcome a nebulous nemesis. 

As a helper within family or as a friend we can suffer expectations that our help would be effective and appreciated and it can seem as if neither is apparent or achievable. 

We need to remind ourselves that expectations are not helpful in the malaise of overwhelm, debilitation, and confusion that is depression.  Indeed, low, or even no expectations offer our suffering family member or friend exactly the kind of unconditional support they need.  But I don’t for a moment pretend that this is easy.

As a person being helped, we easily vacillate between various emotions, from feeling guilty another person’s help isn’t helping, like “there’s something really wrong with me!” to being anxious that they might withdraw their support, to even anger that it seems the person trying to help us is judging or blaming us. 

When we’re facing such an internal war to even comprehend what our problems are, the solutions evade us, and there’s little wonder we feel overwhelmed—and most because of all times in our lives, depression has stripped all our energies away from us.

When we most need resources to wrestle 
with impossible realities 
these same resources seem non-existent.

So how do I help my loved one who is suffering depression?

§     Open space for your loved one to speak into the silence and be prepared for the few words they may have to make little sense, being patient with them, even as you encourage them to be patient with themselves.  Depression is often incomprehensible.

§     Drop your expectations so you’re neither disappointed nor appear disappointed at your depressed loved one’s lack of progress or regression.  The fact is depression is a murky journey of many backward steps and holding patterns of debilitation.  The last thing a depressed loved one needs is projected pressure from outside when the war within themselves is raging hard enough to nigh-on impossible.

§     Find a place of peace within yourself, and this is where self-care is crucial.  To be a really effective support to another, especially someone we really care about, we need access to the faculties of our own support.  Being in a place of peace ourselves, confident of our ability to wish life well, being patient and gentle and generous of spirit is vital.  It’s important to prioritise your self-care when you’re in the midst of caring for a loved one suffering depression.  Being self-disciplined is crucial. 

§     Remembering how they were or how you both hope they might be is important.  Hope is vitally important, as is humour, as much as it is possible.  Give your loved one access to things they hope for, both in terms of real things in the coming days, as well as realistic aspirations.  Help them with goal setting, where even small goals achieved can be celebrated.  Help them know how proud a future version of themselves and you will be that they endured such a rough time now.

§     For those of faith try to imagine yourself as a benevolent one.  You are who God has placed in your loved one’s life, and you are their provision, and that is something to be thankful for: that you can provide that pivotal role for such a time as this.

§     Being honest whilst being kind is a way to deepen the relationship we have with our suffering loved one.  Loving people is not just about being ‘nice’.  We can be loving whilst helping them to wrestle with truths that cannot (or should not) be denied.

§     Give as much space for the emotions of your loved one as you can.  The less judgemental you can be the better.  Often times, feelings are what they are; they don’t need to be judged and judging them is often really unhelpful.  Let the feelings be.  Allow anger and numbness, sadness and fear.  The more we allow these, the less destructive they are.

These are obviously just a few tips.  There will be myriad others.  The main point is the attitude we take into our helping.  We are there to serve our loved one in faith that they will heal in time.  The key paradox in this is ignoring the aspect of time because healing truly is such an intangible and indefinable concept.  Learning to continually let go is important.

To go gently with others is 
to go gently with ourselves.

Use the faculties of the higher mind:
PAUSE and reflect before responding.

Putting off expectations is important, as is the commitment to unconditional positive regard, unconditional love, unconditional kindness.  These values will be challenged.  Expect challenges to come and try and be audacious enough to bring joy into impossible moments.  This is indeed possible.

Each day, one day at a time, we need to expect that we will be pushed for patience.  Learning to carry a smile about us is crucial.  It reminds us how much we are growing in patience—with others and with ourselves.