When a male friend from church gave me a little red book in 1993, I thanked him, promised I’d read it, but I honestly felt insulted. I didn’t face at that time what would have set me free. That little book was a condensed version of Alcoholics Anonymous’ “Big Book”. Little did I know it at the time, but that book would become my constant companion ten years later when in 2003 I lost my first marriage, admitting that alcohol had become very problematic for me.
Over the past 10-15 years I’ve become a counsellor helping those who struggle with addiction.
What had to happen back in 2003 was I had to face the demon of dissociation.
I had to face the fact that I could not simply enjoy a drink from time to time. I used alcohol to “destress” on a weekly basis and it was a pattern so engrained I couldn’t reverse it. I would delude myself that I had it under control, but deeper down I knew I was a hypocrite and that deeper sense of shame drove me into further miseries of bondage to the drink. I pretended to be the wine connoisseur. I would, especially in my earlier years, show off how much alcohol I consume, never acknowledging how potentially harmful it was for my health.
The worst of it, when my life was about to crumble at the crisis of rock bottom in losing my first marriage, was I was managing a workplace alcohol and other drug program and I was the one who had the problem. Yes, utter hypocrisy.
Hypocrisy is a cataclysmic dissociation,
a runaway train destined for disaster.
~
When we refuse to face our problems,
we refuse to enlist the power to overcome them.
The power we need to overcome our problems
is available if only we face our problems head on.
Twenty years ago this year, I was in the midst of a lifestyle I deep down inside knew wasn’t sustainable. It was stressful being a functional alcoholic. It required me to make compromises that threatened my own wellbeing and the wellbeing of those I loved. This is the worst from my present vantage point.
I allowed the shame I had to dissociate from to master me.
These days, I see it in others’ lives and it’s not hard to empathise. It seems hard to address, like a proverbial Mount Everest. I know how easy it is to address, but nothing can be overcome until it is faced—until we admit we have lost control.
There is no shame in admitting we have lost control.
Indeed, it takes massive courage to admit our weakness.
Admitting defeat is the first step to victory.
Overcoming is a power given
to those who admit powerlessness.
There is nothing better than living a life free of the bondage of addiction. Sobriety is the quintessence of freedom. And the classic irony is we cannot overcome our addictions to achieve this freedom until we admit our lives have become unmanageable.
The first step, the first moment, of hope is when we look ourselves in the mirror and admit it to ourselves—“I have a problem.” That’s the first, most powerful step. The next step after awareness is action—time to get to work—the first day of the rest of our lives.
Unless we face our addictions,
we cannot heal them.
Unless we face that which keeps us
deep in the pit of our shame,
we cannot overcome it.
~
We enter addictions when we feel entitled
to pleasure or need to escape from pain.
Whether it’s pleasure or pain or a mix of both, what underlies our reticence to want to overcome our addiction is unwillingness to deal with our feelings, our emotions.
Overcoming addiction is as simple as being able to sit with uncomfortable, awkward emotions. The fact is, any of us can do this, and when we can sit in the discomfort, we learn it doesn’t kill us, it empowers us.
A big, initial part of sitting with the discomfort is facing a truth that humbles us—“I’m not in control here, and only I can overcome this.”
There is power in enlisting others. Indeed, a massive part of AA Twelve Steps work is enlisting the services of a mentor or sponsor (or counsellor) who we share our truth with. But just as empowering is being truthful about our challenges in community. We gain the power of self-acceptance in being accepted for who we are despite the challenges we face.
Ultimately, what is needed is honesty. With honesty, we can overcome any challenge of dependence or addiction that besets us.
IMAGE: Words about the power of honesty from the AA chapter “How It Works”.
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