Suffering is a crossroad — which way to go?

Suffering is a crossroad.  It is designed as the opportunity to break our arrogance, because we cannot escape the pain of it.  That which we cannot control humbles us, though it feels distinctly unfair.  

Suffering can be a blessing in disguise
… or a curse.

Which way will we take it? 

This is a choice — a crossroad. 

Because suffering is a crossroad there is temptation to go the other way and to further dig our heels into the firm ground resenting the pain of it.

When I first faced suffering as a 36-year-old twenty years ago I did not know what had hit me.  I was flummoxed by it.  Suddenly I was living in a parallel universe with life otherwise going on around me, yet I was living an absolute nightmare.  Every day, every moment, was shrouded in emotional uncertainty.  I had no scaffold with which to understand it… it undid me completely.

The gamut of grief descended and tabernacled in me for several months, if not a year or more, transforming my existence acutely in those first six months.  That six months felt like a very, very long time.

I’ve used this experience a great deal in my pastoral ministry and counselling work — I was ‘held’ in this purgatory for an extended period where there was no possible escape for a reason.  

So I would not forget, and because I couldn’t escape, I had to endure the crossroad experience day after day, week after week, month after month.

At the crossroad, the decision point comes, “do I make something of this situation I’m in… do I take the opportunity to improve, to grow, to apply faith, to choose to respond in a mature way… DESPITE how I feel I want to respond… OR do I allow the experience to crush me and get stuck in the mire of bitterness, resentment, and disempowerment?”

Do I make this about me
and the opportunity in this hardship?

Or do I make this about me
and how unfair the world is?

(In case we don’t know, the world is unfair, but there is an opportunity in that unfairness — to rise above it.)

Do you see the crossroad that suffering brings us to?  It is a polarising place forcing us into the valley of decision.  

We go either of two ways
but we can’t go both ways.

Do we believe that the things against us now
can be part of the making of us?

Suffering is a precipice where all kinds of futures beckon.  

It won’t always be the way it is — so hard.  

Our choice: do we build brick by brick a future that we believe is possible or do we rage against the machine? 

The former has a future we hope for.  The latter is defeat.  Easy choice.  

The choice is to do the hard work now for a beautiful outcome rather than deny we have the power to forge a good future.  

You will reap a harvest of blessing if you do not give up

NINE years ago we were going through a very tough time, but in context it was just another season in a 20-year journey of becoming for me.  

That 20-year journey started with the loss of my family as we knew it in September 2003.  This broke me for months but was the cause of the rebuilding of me for the better.  This was followed by burnout in 2005, clinical depression and midlife crisis in 2007, and then an extended period of acute stress that became chronic, and then we lost our son Nathanael to stillbirth in 2014 (picture of me with him on the day of his funeral).  2016 to May this year were some of the hardest years, but always sprinkled with many reasons to be grateful.

We weren’t to know it at that time, when we lost Nathanael, but we were only a bit over fifty percent the way through the trial of twenty years (2003-2023) yet that’s the truth of it.  

It isn’t helpful to go into all of it it in graphic detail unless to say that there are others I’m journeying with right now (more than a few) who are either part the way through their hellish reality or are only just beginning.  

It does not help to attribute judgement — but when we are going through hell, as Sir Winston Churchill once said, we simply must keep going!

Some of these people are doing it tougher than I had it.  It is astonishing that they keep waking up in their nightmare yet keep agreeing with themselves and their loved ones to do their best.  They are nothing short of inspiring!  And they will make it out of their respective hell.

That tug of faith keeps us facing each day knowing somehow it won’t always be the way it is right now.  Our reality defies this faith, however, but it’s faith that helps us insist on a hope we do not yet see.  Only by faith can we continue to ‘show up’ when broken.  The faith of raw courage.

I want to encourage those on the toughest of journeys right now — those who are not there yet, especially those questioning their method or even their existence.  Keep going.  You will get there, and it will be even more beautiful than you dare to imagine right now as trudge through the mire.  Belief will get you all the way home.  

The title to this little article is part of a Bible verse: “Do not grow weary in doing good, for you will reap a harvest of blessing if you do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9). 

It’s a life-saving verse for some in their season of anguish that they cannot change.  For those of us who cannot relate, kindness, acknowledgement, and understanding go a long way.  Yet, if we can’t relate, we are an anachronism for those who have lost more than some will ever know.

May we go gently with those in our midst who are struggling,
and may those who endure trials right now be gentle with themselves.  

I care but I don’t know how

Funerals can be daunting.  But so can an unexpected rendezvous in a shopping aisle.  Or awkward silences in any environment.

Times when we clamour for the right thing to say or do when we encounter a person grieving a deep loss.  It’s that social awkwardness we have all faced — if we are honest.  This is because we don’t know how to manage that moment of a person before us grieving their loss, imagining that we must do or say something/anything to redeem or honour the moment.  

We don’t know how to communicate with someone who is enduring deep pain we cannot connect with.

The truth is, none of us when we are honest
knows how to master that kind of moment.

We feel betwixt and between, as if doing something or not doing something will both be wrong.  We feel paralysed for a response.  It is all because we care.  It isn’t because we don’t care.  It’s so often we fail in giving care because we are fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing, whether saying or doing the wrong thing is even the thing.  The thing is, we care. 

Because we care, we may appear not to care.

Many times in life we are challenged by emotions we don’t know what to do with.  Or how to deal with them.  

It isn’t a sin to care that much that we don’t know how to show it.  Being able to show we care does not necessarily mean we care more.  It just means we bear more competence and confidence in the realm of the grieving.  

My life has taught me that experiencing and facing the pain of one’s grief has been the best teacher for understanding another’s grief.  It isn’t a person’s fault if they haven’t experienced what another person has experienced: the rawness of facing a grief that cannot be denied.  

Grief teaches that there are NO words,
there is only presence.  

Through presence there are words and actions that help — few words and meaningful actions.  Being comfortable when a thing cannot be fixed.  Knowing that the ‘fix’ is in simply being present and perhaps doing something useful that is welcomed.

In awkward situations, we don’t need to do or say anything.  We understand and accept this the moment we face that there are no words to placate a person or situation.  

This is how we show we care:
we face the unspeakable reality
with the grieving person encountered.  

We don’t try to deny their reality.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice,
mourn with those who mourn.”

ROMANS 12:15

It all takes time

Whenever we track back in our lives and reflect over what’s happened to us, we may be amazed at the things we worried about that ended up working out.  

It just took a little time.
At the time it seems like forever,
but afterwards it doesn’t seem as long. 

Life can seem overwhelming.  Do you notice that if you have more than about 6-7 concerns you feel overwhelmed?  This is because the human mind can’t take any more than 6-7 things.  This is where a checklist comes in handy.  Get it onto a page and forget about those worries, tasks, and concerns. 

Psychologically, most of us stress about things beyond our control, yet when we simply focus on what is in front of us, and being ready for that, and simply doing our best, stress ebbs away.

With grief and adjustment and change, it all takes time.

If only we have the patience to let go of the concern we can’t resolve, we prosper.  We look into a mirror and mouth the words, “I cannot control this, I cannot bring it to pass any quicker or better…”  That kind of acceptance helps.

Promotions in our career take time. 
Savings take time.  Paying off the car/home takes time.
Our emotions take time to settle when we’re upset. 
Things we ordered are at times delayed. 
All these things are beyond our control. 
There are so many things outside our control. 
Stressing about them has only a negative impact.

In the moment of overwhelm it’s freeing to simply pull away and get ten minutes to breathe, to look at the sky, to take a shower, to sit and read something, and then to breathe… slowly.  

If it’s hard to ‘park’ the anxious thought, we simply must ask ourselves, “How much control do I have here?”  Reminding ourselves of the power we have to let go is a practice of wisdom. 

I know this seems easier in theory than in practice, but the truth is practice is what makes the difference.  We cannot attain any sense of mastery over the concepts of anxiety and control without entering that arena.

There is wisdom in accepting that all change, all adjustment, all of life for that matter, including travelling through grief, involves accepting that it all takes time.  To know this and to learn to relax and enjoy the moment, no matter how hard that sounds, is helpful.  

It’s the common lot of humanity
to struggle through this.  

You are not alone, and you are not
the only one who struggles in this way.

Learning to stay with what we can personally control is wisdom.  It means letting go of the many things we worry about and coming back into what’s in our domain.  There is no shortcut to learning these things, and each of us finds different ways work best for them.  

Counsellors, psychologists, pastors, chaplains et cetera can certainly help us negotiate our way through, but in the end we all have agency for learning and power through finding what works for us.

It all takes time.  Nobody is expected to master their mental, emotional, and spiritual health journey.  With time, a growing sense of mastery comes without ever mastering it.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got from helpers and mentors when I was at my depths was simply to go gently with myself.  The Desiderata poem was key for me twenty years ago when I was enduring much brokenness.  That, and one Bible verse (among many): Galatians 6:9, which says, “Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up.”

We never reconcile that suffering
teaches us patience.  But it does.

Suffering teaches us empathy and humility as well, but in this context, suffering teaches us to be patient when we cannot change our circumstances.  

Courage in the Experience of Struggle

One of the most inspiring things I experience is spending time with those in deep struggle.  It is inspiring because in deep struggle people exemplify immense courage.

Having experienced my share of struggle (mainly, to this point, 20 to 2 years ago) I have observed within my own experience what it TAKES to live certain phases of life. 

Struggles define us our courageous. 

To struggle is the essence of courage, 

because there is no escape, no option, 

but to struggle yet keep stepping. 

Whether we prosper in our struggle or we are confounded by it matters little about the inherent courage we display.  Yet it’s cruel to think that in our deepest struggle we are often the last person to see how courageous we’re being. 

The very purpose of this article 

is to encourage the discouraged.  

The very presence of discouragement 

is evidence enough of your courage. 

As I search back in the distant past to the times I’ve struggled most, I always thank that younger version of myself for sticking at it and not giving up.  Even when I did give up for a day or two or longer, I didn’t give up in the ultimate sense. 

The same holds for you.  You have endured many hardships with great courage.  Look back and discover how courageous you were.  Or if you are younger and struggle is new to you, imagine the courage you’re showing now and imagine how thankful you will be in future times when life is not so bleak. 

When we can see what we’ve been through, and can appreciate the courage we’ve displayed, we attain a deeper appreciation for our depth of character. 

Especially in your struggle you are an inspiration. 

Personal power in the circle of control

Staying within the limits of our personal control is an eternal struggle for most people.  Who am I kidding?  The fact is we ALL struggle with it.  We would all like to have more personal control over the finer details in our lives.  If we are honest.

There is no greater cause of misery in this world
than our inability to control all the factors of our lives
that are out of our control.

This is the main cause of
most of the anxiety we suffer.

Of course, Jesus himself taught on this principle in the Sermon on the Mount.  Words to this effect: “Do not worry about your life… do not worry about tomorrow… today has enough trouble.”

The whole principle of life is based on accepting things we cannot change and changing the things we can.  But the former is harder than the latter.  The procrastinator struggles with the latter, but everyone struggles to accept the things they cannot change.  Accepting the things we cannot change is a challenge to our control but changing the things we can is an opportunity within our control.  There is a vast difference between the two.

Within life, there are three circles,
the circle of concern,
the circle of influence, and
the circle of control. 

There are any number of things we are concerned about, but cannot influence, just as there are many things we can influence, but cannot control.

There is wisdom, that is applied intelligence,
in staying within the circle of control.

All of this is summed up in the psychological theory called the internal locus of control.  That is, those who stay within their control exercise greater capacity for joy, hope, peace, and personal empowerment.  

Whereas those who endeavour
to control that which is beyond their grasp
enter a futility that must end in frustration.

When we play the blame game, we enter this futility, just as we do when we allow bitterness to fester and blur into unforgiveness.

When we insist we have life a certain way, or we demand a situation be different, we live in the external locus of control. 

When we allow unrealistic expectations to reign unchecked we set ourselves up for a pedigree of disappointment.

We lose all the power available to us because we are preferring to kick and stamp and scream about things we have no influence or control over.  We become miserable and that energy extends into the lives of those we touch.  It makes no sense and there’s no life in it, only death — death to hope, to peace, to joy.

When we live beyond our control, we exert a power that is not even ours.  We pretend we can exert a control we don’t have.  As we read these words, we sense the madness we engage in.

We certainly can forgive ourselves for losing our discipline.  But as soon as we recognise that we’ve lost our focus on staying within our control, we can choose to “let it go”.

Life is simpler than we think. 
Humility helps us to accept our limits.

Adversity teaches the kindness of empathy

One thing that never surprises me about human life is our universal need of the kindness of empathy.  Unfortunately, we often find our need of this at the end of a long season of suffering that seemed to come from nowhere and seemed to have no purpose when we were in it.  After the suffering is gone, however, we can perhaps see its purpose.

We suffer injustice to have our 
eyes opened to injustice’s possibilities.

Suffering awakens us 
to the perils in human life.

Nothing teaches us empathy like 
our own need of that form of kindness.

THE GOAL OUTBOUND OF THE SADDEST REALITY

Misfortune, misadventure, betrayal, grief, and mental health conundrums are the domain of us all at some point or other.  Those who think these maladies occur only in other’s lives are more bewildered than they ought to be, but life experience teaches us the basic lesson: Y.E.T.—YOU’RE ELIGIBLE, TOO!

None of us get a ‘gold pass of peace’ through our entire life.

Bad things don’t just happen to bad people.  Bad things happen to us all, and it can be the most indiscriminate event that ushers in a world of intolerable pain. 

Simply put, the saddest reality of all is that we will all suffer deep grief when we least expect it, perhaps when it’s least deserved, and we will be blindsided in the event.  

What could possibly be the goal of such tyranny 
against a person simply going about their life?

The goal is not so much about teaching us something, unless it is about teaching us that humanity has a universal need of empathy.  Empathy is a kindness we must learn is something irreplaceable in our own moment of perishing need.  

There’s no better way of learning other people’s need 
of empathy than through our own need of it.

Especially as we experience it through others at our time of greatest need.  And there are also times when others lack empathy, and we learn from their example what NOT to do for others in times of their present and future need.

WE GIVE WHAT WE RECEIVE

Why do people love and hate, or behave in any way, particularly?  

The Pygmalion or Rosenthal effect explains the psychological phenomenon of reciprocity.  If we give the kindness of empathy that same kindness is often passed forward.  But if we treat people unfairly, when they are going through trials and hardships, they will always respond in inappropriate ways.

It is ridiculous to ‘test’ people’s character 
when they’re enduring suffering.  

It is not only unkind and unnecessary, 
it can never be good for them.

Some of the hardest lessons I have ever learned were through people’s cold responses to me when they could have been empathetic and weren’t.  Some of the worst of these experiences occurred in Christian and church settings.  These experiences have taught me a valuable lesson, however.  I am thankful for them now.

They taught me that these evils are possible.  

They taught me that there is no substitute 
for fairness when life is being unfair.

The best fairness when life is unfair 
is to experience the kindness of empathy.

The Pygmalion or Rosenthal effect explains in a universal way how we respond as human beings in the face of adversity.  None of us is much different from another in terms of our visceral response to our own suffering, or the suffering of others we love and care for.  

When we need care, 
we see the need of it, and 
we respond well in the face of care.

Our own suffering teaches us like a mirror, “I needed the kindness of empathy so bad that it is now etched in my psyche—I will treat others with a care I know they need, because I needed it!”

There you go: an objective goal 
AND purpose in suffering.

In facing the demise of our own wellbeing, we see the potential for life to trend south so much that we lose all hope.  In the most lamentable of all human experiences we are connected more intimately with our own deepest needs, and hence we are connected to the universal human need—we LEARN the kindness of empathy.

Can suffering be good?  Yes, it can. 

As we learn the care we need from others, 
—through either their empathy or lack thereof—
we deliver on these needs toward others
if we have learned anything at all.

The kindness of empathy extended 
to another is acquisition of a care 
we learned out of our own suffering.

SIDE NOTE: this night 20 years ago, 4 October 2003, I was so very close to ending my life.  I am so very glad I didn’t.  If this is you today, please reach out for help!