One thing that never surprises me about human life is our universal need of the kindness of empathy. Unfortunately, we often find our need of this at the end of a long season of suffering that seemed to come from nowhere and seemed to have no purpose when we were in it. After the suffering is gone, however, we can perhaps see its purpose.
We suffer injustice to have our
eyes opened to injustice’s possibilities.
Suffering awakens us
to the perils in human life.
Nothing teaches us empathy like
our own need of that form of kindness.
THE GOAL OUTBOUND OF THE SADDEST REALITY
Misfortune, misadventure, betrayal, grief, and mental health conundrums are the domain of us all at some point or other. Those who think these maladies occur only in other’s lives are more bewildered than they ought to be, but life experience teaches us the basic lesson: Y.E.T.—YOU’RE ELIGIBLE, TOO!
None of us get a ‘gold pass of peace’ through our entire life.
Bad things don’t just happen to bad people. Bad things happen to us all, and it can be the most indiscriminate event that ushers in a world of intolerable pain.
Simply put, the saddest reality of all is that we will all suffer deep grief when we least expect it, perhaps when it’s least deserved, and we will be blindsided in the event.
What could possibly be the goal of such tyranny
against a person simply going about their life?
The goal is not so much about teaching us something, unless it is about teaching us that humanity has a universal need of empathy. Empathy is a kindness we must learn is something irreplaceable in our own moment of perishing need.
There’s no better way of learning other people’s need
of empathy than through our own need of it.
Especially as we experience it through others at our time of greatest need. And there are also times when others lack empathy, and we learn from their example what NOT to do for others in times of their present and future need.
WE GIVE WHAT WE RECEIVE
Why do people love and hate, or behave in any way, particularly?
The Pygmalion or Rosenthal effect explains the psychological phenomenon of reciprocity. If we give the kindness of empathy that same kindness is often passed forward. But if we treat people unfairly, when they are going through trials and hardships, they will always respond in inappropriate ways.
It is ridiculous to ‘test’ people’s character
when they’re enduring suffering.
It is not only unkind and unnecessary,
it can never be good for them.
Some of the hardest lessons I have ever learned were through people’s cold responses to me when they could have been empathetic and weren’t. Some of the worst of these experiences occurred in Christian and church settings. These experiences have taught me a valuable lesson, however. I am thankful for them now.
They taught me that these evils are possible.
They taught me that there is no substitute
for fairness when life is being unfair.
The best fairness when life is unfair
is to experience the kindness of empathy.
The Pygmalion or Rosenthal effect explains in a universal way how we respond as human beings in the face of adversity. None of us is much different from another in terms of our visceral response to our own suffering, or the suffering of others we love and care for.
When we need care,
we see the need of it, and
we respond well in the face of care.
Our own suffering teaches us like a mirror, “I needed the kindness of empathy so bad that it is now etched in my psyche—I will treat others with a care I know they need, because I needed it!”
There you go: an objective goal
AND purpose in suffering.
In facing the demise of our own wellbeing, we see the potential for life to trend south so much that we lose all hope. In the most lamentable of all human experiences we are connected more intimately with our own deepest needs, and hence we are connected to the universal human need—we LEARN the kindness of empathy.
Can suffering be good? Yes, it can.
As we learn the care we need from others,
—through either their empathy or lack thereof—
we deliver on these needs toward others
if we have learned anything at all.
The kindness of empathy extended
to another is acquisition of a care
we learned out of our own suffering.
SIDE NOTE: this night 20 years ago, 4 October 2003, I was so very close to ending my life. I am so very glad I didn’t. If this is you today, please reach out for help!
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