When you reach my age, you realise you’ve seen most things that could occur in life once or twice at least. One thing I’ve seen quite a bit is the phenomenon of ‘work wife’ and ‘work husband’. You know, it’s all said in jest, but there’s always a truthful element to the serious intimacy any of us can develop with someone outside our marriage.
The key question is, is it appropriate or not?
What I’ve seen at the worst of it is two people in a workplace with an openly intimate relationship, both married to other people. There was a lot of banter, but very many serious moments and long lunches these two shared together, including many fond embraces, lingering glances, etc. These two never took it further into a full-blown sexual relationship from what I knew but I have known plenty of other situations where a secret liaison turned into the breakdown of one or two marriages, and many of these situations involved children, not to mention the innocent partners, who all learned of their personal devastation far too late.
The worst-case scenario of when best friends become a little more than that is a situation that wreaks havoc in the lives of people who may never truly recover from that betrayal trauma. Certainly there is the destruction of relationships. And in faith settings, these situations often cause people to chuck their faith out—both the protagonists and those who watch on in disgust.
There is no such thing as “God told me to do it” in these situations.
Intimacy is a very, very sticky thing—stickier than treacle or molasses. Once we grant ourselves or our partner permission to know a person, and I’m not talking in the biblical sense of “knowing” (that is, having sex with them), there is always the risk that something more might develop.
Oftentimes, we might trust ourselves a little too much, thinking we could resist the temptation if an attraction started. Gee, that can often be a naïve assumption. Thinking we are beyond temptation is more based in pride than wisdom.
Intimacy or sexual attraction to another can and does occur, a lot of the time without warning, because none of us can predict what another person might do that will be very attractive or how we will respond in our heart. Many of these factors truly are beyond our control. They can be temptations too great to stave off. The risk of a wonderful return on our investment in falling for a temptation may feel entirely worth it in the moment.
Of course, any liaison that seems too good to be true will be too good to be true. Another person will seem incredibly attractive compared to our spouse because exploring the relationship is the entrance of the romance phase which is always highly exciting. But that only lasts a year or two, tops. How many of these ‘wonderful’ relationships that were initiated in secret survive the long grind of life coupled with a companion? Affairs literally are the worst way to begin a long-term relationship, because they are propagated a lot of the time through tunnel vision.
Again, attraction is sticky! What needs to be considered is once this intimacy train chugs out of the station it quickly becomes a runaway train. Literally nothing will stop it, not even the threat of disaster.
Let’s depart for a moment and juxtapose miracles and disasters in a relational context. For me, I would describe a miracle in the relational context as something where a deep hurt is forgiven, and two parties reconnect, and it’s where trust blossoms once more. The disaster is at the other extreme, and in this situation, we’re not talking just about two people; there’s a ripple effect involved and there are potentially very many—even whole communities at times—who are betrayed and harmed as a result.
Is it worth the risk to nurture a relationship with someone we could in future become attracted to, or potentially worse, they become attracted to us? And what about what our partners think?
If a partner has a problem with a particular alliance with another person, and we’re not talking about them controlling your relationships overall, should not that partner have a voice? Shouldn’t they be listened to?
Many broken marriages and relationships could well have been saved had the tempted one simply listened to the wise counsel. Many children could’ve been saved immense sorrow, anger, shame, even guilt.
Ask yourself, is it worth it to nurture intimacy and passion with an attractive person outside your marriage or stable relationship?
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