It’s not so easy to leave or part well

If you had of asked me 20 years ago if I thought it was hard to leave or part well — I mean anything — I would’ve thought, no, it’s actually pretty easy.  That had been my experience.

But the last 20 years has taught me something very important. In certain circumstances it is incredibly hard, and in some cases impossible, to leave or part on good or on satisfactory terms.

The most basic issue could be about the managing of expectations. Whilst we might be ready to leave, we can easily leave another person in the dark, and they get the rudest of shocks when we give our notice, however we do that. We may even think we’ve communicated well. And perhaps we have. But they haven’t heard it.

Sometimes we can give notice, and it doesn’t matter how much or for how long, the person or entity we are leaving cannot or will not let go.  Many marriages very sadly end this way, but it’s not only marriages. In many cases the leaving is justified on safety grounds.

If it’s us in the position of having someone leave us, or we are required to go, if it’s an employment issue, not only is it devastating, but it forces us into a grief process. Nobody wants to go there. It’s pure hell.

Anyone who has endured the complexities of grief will know what I’m talking about when I say that it is basically impossible to respond the right way all the time in these circumstances.

In grief, and in the pulverisation of loss, we are without defence at the very time when we need defence. It’s like being at our most vulnerable when we least wish, and are least equipped, to be vulnerable. It is exactly like losing our lives, when all our hopes plummet and come to nothing.

So there is a lot to be said for empathy, and when we are leaving to have sufficient compassion that we cater for responses that are less than pleasant. This is not to say that we should accept abuse as a response in their grief. And this is not to be read as pressure to stay. Guilt only makes matters worse for everyone.

One thing we must be aware of when someone or an entity won’t let us go is that we are free to go. We cannot be held against our will. If we were led to a decision to leave, and if we go back on that decision because of guilt let’s say, we may find it even harder to leave the next time we need to. It’s better once we’re decided, to cauterise the wound and keep moving in the direction of our destiny of change.

In the relational context, leaving well can feel for both parties a bridge too far. Which is why when we are able to do such a thing, where both parties can accept where they’re at, and wish each other well, we ought to truly celebrate such a thing. It requires mature minds on both sides to see and accept the bigger picture — which is best not used to undermine those who also bear the agony of grief. If only more conflicts were resolved to both parties’ satisfaction in the leaving.

Of course, this entire subject cannot be adequately dealt with here, but at least we might agree that it’s not so easy to leave or part well.

Photo by Andraz Lazic on Unsplash