We’ve all been in situations where someone bullied us into submission. By this I mean, we had to put up with the status quo and shut up (put-up-and-shut-up), until perhaps the time came to ‘call it’. And then we faced what the nemesis is really capable of! Until then, we really had no idea.
See how subtle and in everyone’s life bullying is? It’s anyone who forces themselves on people; who insists overtly or covertly that it’s their way or the highway.
Now it’s normal to face people who are given to anger. We have to differentiate normal emotional outlet from what is pathological.
We all get angry from time to time. But it’s being able to reason with people once they’ve settled down that makes all the difference. It’s the person’s ability to address their anger and take responsibility for it.
What makes the narcissist bully different is they cannot be wrong, they cannot confess, they cannot repent. Yes, there really are people like this. If you’ve lived it, you know it! They cannot change. Because they will not change. There is a willful defiance about them. They feel they have a right to their own way.
Put-up-and-shut-up
While we put-up-and-shut-up, we let the bully be, we earn a veneer of protection.
We haven’t poked the bear. We are no threat to them. Yet. But we are also denying the existence of a huge problem. Maybe we are not the only ones under this bully’s spell.
We somehow know we are compromising.
Perhaps we promised ourselves we would challenge them. Maybe we foolishly thought we would get a hearing. Oh yes, we probably naively thought they would listen. And we didn’t even get to first base.
The moment we speak up is the moment we set ourselves in their sights.
The bully says, “Oh, you’re now showing your true colours are you? If you are not for me, you are against me... expect my wrath when you least expect it.”
If it were a normal person, we’d have the conflict, we’d disagree, and either agree to disagree or we’d resolve it. Perhaps we might dislike them or they us. We’ve had many relationships like this where we live and let live.
Denying versus overlooking
The presence of the bully in our lives is this: we either consciously or subconsciously know that we’re denying the presence of the problem they present. We do this under the guise of a biblical “overlooking,” i.e. it is to our glory that we overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11).
The big problem comes in the fact that these issues are so serious that the Bible never suggests we overlook abuse!
We can only permissibly overlook something that is minor or not repeatable.
Any other overlooking is a wisdom of cowardice, because we somehow know that things will not end well if we rock the boat.
And this should be our compass. If you’re keeping the peace (and it is not peace!) because you fear the repercussions of a rocked boat, you know what you’re dealing with. Yep, it’s a bully!
Bullies and their reputation – consequences of telling the truth
Bullies tend to do their work in secret. This is why you feel absolutely betrayed when nobody else sees what you’ve seen. Or even if there are others, you all suffer in comparative silence, all the while your narcissistic bully is lauded for the success they bring “in God’s name.”
They manage and manicure their reputation by favouring certain people. Perhaps we’ve known that time when being on someone’s popular side felt justified for the compromises we had to make to keep the status quo, given that it was better to be their friend than face them as an enemy.
Such compromises meant, however, that we were denying significant issues that could not be overlooked.
Image is incredibly important to the narcissist. When their image is on the line, they scramble to fix it by DARVOing their victim. They deny, attack and reverse victim and offender. They play the victim and attempt to convince others that the real victim is the actual offender. It involves the abuse of gaslighting. And they have good people join them in scapegoating the real victim. It’s a real thing, folks!
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We cannot overlook serious issues of bullying. That’s denial. But equally we can find ourselves facing imminent danger and threat when we expose the barbarism of bullying. As we teach the children in our care to be peacemakers, if talking won’t fix things, we must seek help.
It’s my prayer that you get the care that you need. A big part of this is being believed.
Photo by Christian Fregnan on Unsplash
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