I don’t feel the way I do now about certain things compared with how I felt five or ten or fifteen years ago. It’s the same for us all. But how much worse is it when we look back to a time when such simple things as receiving a phone call, text or email weren’t a trigger?
What do I mean ‘a trigger’? Let’s imagine what triggers you is getting the said phone call, text or email from a particular source; call them protagonist of narcissistic abuse (that’s how you experience them — and you have every right to feel that way, for they consistently overpower you and they may even seem to relish the fact). But not only that. Say it’s an email. Its contents are an affront to you. Not just who it’s from, but what is said in it!
You got the email, were confounded by its contents, were overwhelmed emotionally, and you possibly entered your cycle for being triggered. This could have been anger that you directed toward someone else (though triggering is never an excuse for hurting someone) or anger you directed at yourself (which is very common), or you could have found yourself laying on the bathroom floor in a shaken, teary mess, or it could have left you in a frozen catatonic state, or the whole fury of the episode just left you utterly spent.
Notice how I didn’t title this piece “What triggers you isn’t your fault”? I don’t want to enable crafty abusers who might misuse this and be enabled. They don’t blame themselves when they say they’re triggered. But the trauma survivor does blame themselves, for they have been conditioned to think this way by the abuser or the abusive system (many abusers) who have continually blamed them.
The trauma survivor may say all kinds of things about how they resent the abuse they’ve received and their abuser, but they always end up blaming themselves for being triggered in the first place. Narcissists behave in no such way. They always justify their outbursts and they always protect this niche; the reason being, they need license to re-offend and they need a method that’s sanctioned.
There’s the guilt for not managing an emotional response “the way I should have.” Narcissists don’t feel guilty — they always feel justified.
The tragic irony is the trauma sufferer cannot help being triggered, but if they’re not narcissists they do own their healing work, and they will make gentle progress toward their goal of increasing control over triggers as they learn and develop counter measures. This takes time, and in the long run is worth it.
We could well say that narcissists have their own trauma, and they actually do, but they will not go there, because to ‘go there’ is to admit something’s wrong with them. That they cannot seem to do.
If we find there is a pattern of blaming ourselves when we’re triggered, we know why. We have been conditioned to think it’s always our fault. And you know what? That doesn’t mean it is your fault. What it usually means is you’ve had someone in your life who has taken advantage of you. And they might still do.
We blame ourselves because that’s the narrative we’ve been trained to believe. Maybe it’s time to re-write the story.
Photo by Dmitry Schemelev on Unsplash
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