This more or less fits in the hard questions basket, because it’s so hard to determine the motives of others’ hearts. Truly it can be a task to discern the motives of our own heart. But, here goes...
When it comes to a person apologising to us, the heart makes all the difference. If someone says sorry and they don’t really mean it, at some point we can know, because they stop being sorry.
Someone who is genuinely sorry stays remorseful about it. They don’t change their position on a whim. If they say they were wrong, they don’t change their minds. They don’t say what they did wrong wasn’t wrong. They don’t make excuses for their behaviour and they endeavour to correct it.
Such a heart of repentance softens the heart in most of us. Our heart is softened because we saw that they understood what they did was wrong, how much it hurt us, and what they need to do (or not do) in the future. They’re steadfast and committed.
The thing about our humanity is we can usually tell a repentant heart from one that’s not genuinely repentant. The thing we need to watch for however is how empathetic we are. If we consider ourselves empaths, we may well be a soft touch to forgive someone who isn’t really remorseful.
We struggle to trust people again who appear sorry yet go back to the same deeds.
We struggle to trust people again who say the words yet betray them by their actions.
We can land in situations where we forgive (and may be lulled into forgetting) unadvisedly. Sometimes the mere fact that the person said sorry — for some it’s a minor miracle that we hear such words! — compels us to forgive them. We wouldn’t be the first person deceived into forgiving someone because they appeared repentant.
One great test for the heart of repentance is to push back a little. Test the apology. We can tell if they mean it or not by their response. If a person doesn’t mind us questioning them a little — not angrily I mean — and they can see we’re genuinely considering forgiving them — it can be a great sign.
It’s no guarantee, but at least we can tell that a sorry person stays sorry about the issue they’re sorry for. Doesn’t mean we keep them in their guilt and/or shame. It’s important that we respond according to the heart we discern. If they respond well to the testing of their heart if we’re not sure, we can reciprocate by offering them mercy. It doesn’t mean we can’t rescind this if they prove later that they weren’t genuinely sorry.
Being forgiven is never a thing to be received lightly. Even though we’re commanded in Scripture to forgive, we should never take it for granted when someone is merciful.
It’s a privilege to be given a second or seventy-second chance. Do those who spurn such mercy really deserve to be forgiven? That’s a good question. Only you as the forgiver can answer that. They certainly aren’t sowing in love as they expect to reap love.
Can they who disobey a command of God to love the other person as they wish to be loved demand to be forgiven?
It’s never easy to discern a person’s motive, and perhaps that’s not so much to be our interest as it would be simply to hear a person out in their apology. If we sense they’re disingenuous, it would only be loving them with the truth to push back a little.
If we didn’t feel we could do that, would that be a reflection of an equitable relationship?
In all our relationships we should have permission to gently push back — if we need to — to see if the apologies we get are genuine or not. This way we get the chance to test the heart.
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
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