What does it take to be a Man?

Photo by Quinten de Graaf on Unsplash

Men live in a confusing time and have done for decades. Just as it is hard to be a woman, it is hard to be a man. If you’re a man you may well relate with my frustration. If you’re a woman with a son, you may well relate too.

What is it to be a man?
How is a man to know that they are a man?

How would such a man approach the younger man and encourage and urge him to become who he ought to become?

Let’s take this as a conversation, man-to-man, father to son:

Son, it’s time to be a man. It’s time to be real. No more fantasy for you. It’s time to be real about your emotions. It’s time to stop being soft by pretending you are hard. You know those emotions, son, where you experience feelings that you don’t want. Well, son, embrace them! Who are you without them? If you negate and deny your emotions, you won’t be any good to anyone.

It’s time you behaved like a man, my boy. I want you to be able to be honest. Yes, that’s right, even with your mates and all those men you are tempted to impress through your false self. You need to toughen up, son, and stop being soft by buttering these weak men up. If they don’t accept you as you are, they are not worth the friendship.

Let’s talk about being weak, son. You know I hate it. Yes, like you, I hate being weak, but that’s precisely the point. We need to learn to accept it, for only in being willingly weak when we are weak can we be truly strong. Do you know how much courage it takes to be willingly weak? Do you realise how much guts it takes to sit in the bog? It’s only when you’re weak, my son, that you’ll ever learn anything about the strength that lies in weakness.

Let’s also talk about your anger, my boy. I know it’s there, because it’s there in me. We need to stop being soft on ourselves when it comes to the effects of our anger. You need to be true about those things that irritate you, and understand the drives within you that cause you to demand things your way. You will get next to nothing by trying to control things. Don’t control, just surrender. The more you let go, the more command you will have over your anger.

The last thing I want, son, is for you to buckle to temptation to control the women in your life — that’s just soft! Men that abuse women are soft. Actually, I don’t want you to control anyone. Period. The moment you begin to demand others kowtow to you is the moment you’ve stopped being a man, my son. It’s also the moment you lose your decency. Be a man and control nobody. Be a real man and be an advocate for women, for all true men are threatened by nobody, for they’re honest about their fears.

Oh, yes, almost forgot that one… your fear. You’re male, so you have your fear to contend with. Women usually get scared in entirely different ways than we do. Own the fact that you’re shaken by failure — that fear’s driven deep in not matching up to some silly lofty standard you dreamt up through fantasies you saw. Own up to the fact that your fears won’t normally drive you into a lather of tears, but into irritation, frustration, contempt and rage. Own it. That’s right, son. Be fearful. Be honest about your fear. And transform it with the truth.

Note: I acknowledge all this is a generalisation, but hopefully the point is well made. Real men are tough — they’re real and raw with their emotions, performance, vulnerabilities, fear, weakness, anger, which all spring from their capacity to be honest, their courage, and their ability to be humble.