For you, from me, for those in a time of trial

Photo by Michael Dam on Unsplash

So many times, I despair,

And at times I no longer care,

You might think I’m strong,

But so often you’d be wrong.

There are times, often enough, when I seriously wonder why I bother. Times tossed back and forth on the waves of self-loathing and self-recrimination. Times when my inner world implodes for an hour or so or more. Times when a discouraging straw breaks the camel’s back.

Somehow, I’m called to a life that I cannot not live, when I would willingly say to God ‘I’m not enough for this… use somebody else…’ and He seems to respond, ‘You, I want you, and I’m not taking no for an answer.’

A big part of me, is, of course, relieved.
I need to be wanted.

Yet I hate being misunderstood.

I would serve You, God, for nothing, for the ‘pleasure’ of it, but the constant wrestle that occasionally utterly castigates my spirit? Does it have to be so hard at times?

And yet You constantly resurrect me. After every subsequent death! I first died about 15 years ago. And yet I’ve died a thousand deaths since. (If you worry about me now, you’re over a decade late, so don’t be concerned, I’m just being honest here. I will be okay. I will be okay because there are so many times I’ve not been okay and have survived.)

Every time I think I’ve breathed my last spiritual breath, You, Lord, come and revive me. I still don’t know why.

And I know this is a death sentence for the aspirations of a pastor, counsellor, mentor, and any other helping role. How can I help people and be so screwed up myself? I don’t understand. There are so many things I just do not understand. How is it that God uses people like me when I feel — and I am not saying this is a truth — everyone in positions of authority thinks I’m so inadequate. See how unreasonable I think and feel at times?

At one point I wonder why.
At another point I’m thankful I didn’t die.
It is exhausting…

So discouraged from what I sow that never seems to grow, yet I look at some things and stand amazed at what God has done. Things that should never grow, do. If you despair, and often, you’re not the only one.

But I do hope what I write here serves some use. It’s all I feel I am sometimes. To be ‘of use’. Of course, I’m more. I know that. Like you (I hope I’m not the only one) I need to remind myself.

So how do I finish this properly. I’m unable to leave it like it is.

Sometimes when we’re tried to our limit and are pushed from pillar to post we must ask God to help.

We may hear His still, small whisper. I imagine His words…

Child, be My child, you are My child, do not fret. Here for today, and though it seems long it really isn’t long at all, and yet you cannot bear that your eventual passing will mean leaving those you love here, without you. I’m here with you, second by second. Know it even if you cannot feel Me. I placed you here and you are safe where you are. I can assure you, there is purpose in what you’re doing, even when it feels purposeless, and beyond what you’re doing, there is solemn purpose in the pleasure I get from your being here. Wait for My encouragement. You know it will come. I always send it. Don’t leave before it arrives. I love you, I believe in you, and I know you can get through. My grace is sufficient for you. You are so much better for My Kingdom when you’re weak, for in that you redeem My strength. Don’t despise these deaths you die. These deaths are life for you, and for others. You know you can trust the consistency in all this. I can see you’re doing your faithful best, though you’re flawed. Be patient. I am coming.

I’d like to acknowledge Ian Hill and Dr Jennifer Turner (from Ian) as people who inspired some of the thinking herein, especially the words I attribute as from God.