The loneliness in grief that can actually help to heal you

Loss never feels like a course correction, but I wonder if for a moment we might entertain there might be some cosmic purpose in it.  It’s the faith in me that always holds out the possibility that when bad things happen, good can come from it.

In the loneliness of grief, that sparks intense isolation, anxiety, depression and panic attacks and the like, we’re forced out of a comfortable ‘blah’ way of life, where we can be resistant to growth.  We’re forced out at least temporarily, and many would say, semi-permanently.

The loneliness in grief, besides the pain of it, which is never enjoyable or easy to bear, can herald certain possibilities:

§     it launches a quest for deeper meaning in life, and that can prove to be an awakening point, which opens up previously unexplored avenues of life

§     loss makes us much more empathetic to the suffering of others as well as more empathic regarding their needs

§     the eyes of our heart are opened, and our interests are transformed, much so that we can see certain things — and certain truths — we never saw before

§     because of inherent vulnerability, there can be more reliance on safe, wise and trustworthy people — and less dependence on unsafe, foolish, dangerous people, who are given a wider berth; so, in grief we become more protective and discerning

§     a developing sense of increased capacity to be alone, not needing others so much, can begin to emerge

§     understanding blossoms within a more philosophical frame of life, some assumptions are cast aside, which signposts a maturation process

§     besides the anger of grief that needs to be safely expressed and managed, you might observe yourself becoming gentler, kinder, more patient — especially with those who are vulnerable

§     loss can actually put us in touch with the deeper purpose of our lives, which beforehand we couldn’t engage with — it can actually feel like the worst thing propelled us to our life calling

§     the broadening of life experience helps us to see the student value in life — we really never stop learning

§     through the process, new skills, passions, giftings, courage, resilience and tenacity are revealed — more moments of, “I cannot believe I can do that!  It’s so good that I can.”

§     and... there are bound to be plenty more

All these possibilities only ever open up to us when we press into the loneliness that comes with loss and grief and don’t deny it in fear.  The lonely path is truly the one that unlocks the potential for new experience and discovery.

Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash

Healing the wound in the house of hospitality

“Many people in this life suffer because they are anxiously searching for the man or woman, the event or encounter, which will take their loneliness away. But when they enter a house with real hospitality, they soon see that their own wounds must be understood not as sources of despair and bitterness, but as signs that they have to travel on in obedience to the calling sounds of their own wounds.”

— Henri Nouwen (1932–1996)

We all have that sense that we’re not at home here.  Our struggling and our striving, never quite feeling at complete peace, always being drawn to one distraction or another, finding it hard to focus, all point to a goal we feel is just there on the horizon — we can see it but it appears elusive.

And then we have Nouwen completely confound our thinking by telling us that the healing we seek is closer than we ever thought.  It is in entering the wound that we find ourselves in the house of hospitality, because it’s in entering our wound by facing it that we face Jesus and enter into His presence.

Being there with Jesus we find we’re perfectly safe to be at one with our pain, and when at last we do this, we find we always had this unconquerable capacity within us.  THIS is the encounter we’ve always been called to.  It’s what we always believed for.

When we arrive there all of what doesn’t make sense begins to make sense and we accept it.

Out of the nucleus of our own wounds we find every sense of direction, for our wound can be approached when we’re in the house of hospitality, and we find right there our datum point.  It’s our meaning for life, because it’s our capacity to overcome what’s happened to us.

The house of hospitality, therefore, is the unity of God and our hospitality with ourselves.

In hospitality, all come and are perfectly at home.  And “all” is all of us, our self, as a single human unit, unified with God.

In hospitality, we find protection, space, openness, and true sight.  We see things as they are, and our wound is seen for what IT is.  It’s not just enshrouded with pain as a barrier to sight and feeling.

What we can see and touch we can feel, and we can contemplate, and we can keep facing, and as we’re home right there, direction comes.

Once we’re no longer dissuaded from entering into the wound, once we see we can reside there, with Jesus, because He modelled how to do it, we face the wound, and the wound actually becomes pivotal in our personal revival.  And life begins... for the first time, OR again!

Image: Katherine Hanlon

5 ways of responding well rather than reacting in anger or fear

The number of conversations I have with people who tell me they’ve got an issue with anger — either their own or others’ anger — is astounding.  The reason?  Everybody’s got a relationship with anger.  Many find it a hard thing to tame.  Many others are intimidated by others’ anger.  Either way, anger is a cause of much distress.

When anger is expressed in harmful ways it either hurts others or the person themselves.  Anger turned inward is depression and anger turned outward is aggression.  Both are violence.  But anger needn’t be such a villain.

Here are five ways of responding well to tense, stressful, triggering situations:

1.             Express the anger in a safe way – I hold a ‘triggers diary’ for those times when my anger needs to find expression.  I go and hide away for a few moments and scribble my raw feelings down, then I re-read what I’ve written, and then I take a moment to think and pray before I re-enter my family’s space.  When I need longer, it’s up to me to find more time and space.

2.             Respond by pacification – this is a thing I’ve learned to do well in a pastoral setting because I genuinely want others to get along with each other.  But in tense situations it can be hard to pacify angry people.  Just like if we faced off with a wild bear, we need to remain still and non-aggressive, quick to listen, quiet and slow of voice, watching to keep our words, body language and gestures non-aggressive.  There was only ever one situation I ever encountered that I wasn’t able to reduce the heat in the interaction.  One time out of hundreds are odds I’ll take.

3.             Remove yourself from the situation until things cool down – this is a boundary technique anyone can try if boundaries are possible in the relationship in question.  If boundaries aren’t allowed, we’d have to ask why we’re in a relationship like that, but life’s not always that simple to be able to get out of some relationships.  Removing ourselves from the situation isn’t denying the problem, but it does give us space to be safe, and it gives the other person time to cool down.

4.             Forgive yourself for overreacting – one not-so-good response is to cruel yourself for reacting badly out of guilt — “Look how ‘bad’ I am!”  Make your apologies sincerely to deal with any guilt.  Get the business of reconciliation done.  Do it sincerely.  This in itself is responding well, even if the overreaction wasn’t the right way of starting.

5.             Neither be goaded nor goad – the best of conflict is in responding so neither the other person nor you get hurt.  Anger doesn’t have to end in harm.  Repel the temptation to get them back and resist absorbing their attack in a way that damages you.  Try to have the momentary poise (situational bravery) to not be intimidated no matter how imposing they are.  Of course, it’s not always achievable, but it’s worth standing firm wherever we can.

Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash

It takes strength of character to admit we got it wrong

Everyone wants to be strong, but what is strength if it doesn’t serve us and others?  Strength that provides no advantage to anyone is weakness, yet this world is full of examples of such ‘strength’, and we’ve all engaged in the pride that prevents us from simply owning our mistakes, lapses and errors of judgment.

This is precisely the message of the gospel of Christ — we do get it wrong, we have done wrong, and we will continue to get things wrong, and the most important part... and that is okay.  Christ is our perfection, but only when we own our imperfections.

This isn’t an article on the Christian faith any more than it is a call to follow the wisdom of repentance — for our own and everyone else’s benefit.

Narcissists do not and cannot repent — that’s how we know WHO they are.  They have far too much weakness presented as a façade of strength to admit they got it wrong, and they keep themselves and all those they affect locked out of freedom because of it.  They cannot repent because the veil of secrecy reveals far too much shame for shallowhood and they truly don’t have the strength to face the fact that they’re mortal and fallible — as we all are by the condition of our humanity.

A cataclysmic paradox: those who own their weakness are strong, whereas those who pretend they’re strong, unable to transact with their weakness, cannot access true strength.  They’re weak.  Even though they force the image of their ‘strength’ upon all in their orbit.

Strength is prepared ready for the invitation to humility.  It stands there available for all to partake.  The strength that enables a person to admit their error overcomes weakness and it reveals wisdom.

WHEN WRONG, JUST APOLOGISE, WITHOUT CONDITIONS

The person who can and does quickly own their errors; that person is humble.  They see the truth, they prove the power of self-reflection, having the courage to face their guilt and shame — knowing it’s not the end, but the beginning of freedom — and they set themselves and others free through the power of genuine apology.

They prove that they “value others above themselves” (Philippians 2:3-4).

Think of the life of strength and hope for relationships and freedom when we call the truth for all it is, just simply by loving people we’ve wronged with apology.

This is not waiting for them to identify the wrong — we see it and call it as quickly as possible.  It’s not saying, “I’m sorry... but... if only.”

No, calling the mistake or error what it is takes strength, and it’s only an apology when it’s unconditional.  It only offers the other and us freedom when it’s unconditional.

Apology demonstrates we understand the level of our error, its impact on them, our seeking to empathise, as we’re fully prepared to rectify the situation and ensure patterns that led to the wrong are addressed and corrected, even as we exercise the humility to seek to be forgiven.

But — a word of warning to the uninitiated — any such apology will rebound and work against you if you give it to a narcissist.  They will feel entitled to fully exploit your strength, which they see as weakness.  See how warped such a person is?

The most inspirational thing in a relationship, as well as the most loving thing, is when we quickly execute justice for others when we do wrong.

The most damaging phenomenon in relationships is when people withhold justice by refusing to own their wrong.  They lie about what happened by their reticence to face facts, and they hold themselves and the others affected at a distance from freedom, which is peace.

Narcissists infect others with their weakness.  That they cannot admit to their wrong is they cannot and will not enter into their weakness.  It’s a self-defined hell that extrapolates hell for others affected.

The greatest travesty in relationships occurs when one person is never wrong.

It leaves others in a place where normal relational justice cannot ever be done.  Relationships need maintenance continually, and that’s about the fair flow of justice between the parties.

This is why it’s impossible to relate with a narcissist.

Photo by Fotis Fotopoulos on Unsplash

‘Trust your heart’, but what about when you can’t?

There are all kinds of situations where we would want things different.  The ability, maybe, to do something that we just can’t.  Your heart or instinct is either indifferent or against a proposed form of action.

Sometimes it’s others who expect us to do more or be more or to trust them — but we can’t.  When we trust that instinct, often we can discover why our gut says no.  Yet, sometimes knowing why we feel uncomfortable can be elusive.

Other times it’s somehow the case we feel God’s saying to do something, yet we can’t.  On these occasions, it’s usually helpful to inquire if we think God is expecting something of us or not.  Too often we imagine God being directive and insistent, but apart from desiring us to do what’s right, God truly isn’t insistent at all — particularly in terms of the direction of our lives.  We might go any number of 3 or 4 ways and that would okay with God.

Then there are times when we desire to do something, but we can’t.  It’s like our heart won’t free us to do what we’d like to do.  What is frustrating only becomes more frustrating when we insist upon pushing it.

And finally, there are situations when we honestly don’t know what to do, but we feel under pressure to make a decision — to truth our heart, but we don’t know what our heart would want.

Whichever way we look at it, going against our heart is fraught with all sorts of difficulty.

People should avoid putting pressure on others to ‘trust their hearts’, simply because people don’t respond positively to that kind of pressure.  We find it easier to trust our heart when we feel strongly about what we could or ought to do.

But as soon as someone tries to coerce us by saying, “Go on, just trust your heart,” and when we know they just want us to go their way, our hackles rise and ‘trusting our heart’ — whatever way of deciding — can become incredibly hard.

Manipulation, coercion, even intimidation only has the effect of shoving us deeper into a corner.

Reminds me of the movie, Dirty Dancing: “Nobody puts Baby in a Corner.”  Thankfully we live in an age where resistance to coercion is cultural, whereas it wasn’t so much fifty years ago.  Manipulation always meets some form of resistance.

It’s completely unreasonable when those who manipulate people or situations expect everyone to just accept it.  Those who do manipulate expect that there’ll be no resistance.  This is a double manipulation, or a more constant manipulation by those who engage in it.  This in itself can be a huge reason why we find it impossible to trust our heart.  When your vulnerability opened you up to be abused, you’re less willing to be vulnerable again.

The main thing about decision-making is to trust our heart, and if there’s resistance — whether we discern why or not — THAT’S the heart to trust.

It may not be comfortable or convenient, but more important than convenience or comfort is going with your gut, and especially so when we reason that instinct out, and then we can be thankful that our sense led us in wisdom.

Trusting our hearts can be as hard as opening our hearts in vulnerability.  The best we can do is accept our reality even as we work with the situation.

Photo by Joakim Honkasalo on Unsplash

Living safe in an era of misinformation and mass deception

I was just flicking through LinkedIn and my eye was drawn to a course on deepfake video technology.  My intrigue morphed into action even as I felt like I was entering some kind of forbidden zone.

Given 24 hours free access to the course, I began to work through the videos.  Now, I must concede that I’m a technical dunce and I’m usually not even interested to be honest.

I was shocked, when I saw, just a few videos in — both the deepfake and shallowfake technology — and the devastating results in how they’re used to manipulate and shift public opinion.

I do need to concede that until recently I was employed in an area where video and audio manipulation was important in the quality production of training videos for children, so I know it has good purposes. I’m aware of what can be done with even standard two-year-old technology.  We were able to fix many glitches in filming simply through post-production editing, and for about eighty minutes of polished vision, only one short few-second scene needed to be reshot.  But all this involved skilled professionals on both sides of the camera.

Deepfake technology has obviously targeted elections, but it goes far deeper than that.  Typically, in bygone eras, we’ve only had access to gaslight the words and direct observable behaviours and how they’ve been used.

With the fast advances in technology and the use of deepfake technology by hackers, we all need to be on-guard as far as the authenticity of content we view on social media.  Another problem is many become sceptical about actually authentic content and conspiracy theories abound.

The thing we all need to be aware of is, we stand most to be manipulated where we already have a pre-set bias there to begin with.

Therein lies the problem — we ALL have biases — we ALL want the information we consume to read in alignment with our biases.  If it doesn’t, our default is to downplay it, and we look further for other information that agrees with our prejudices.

Here’s a test if you’re really committed to opening your eyes on the topic of bias.

Next time you’re in a social situation with anyone, wait on it to emerge.  See how long it takes for the strong view to arrive in the conversation.  You know, it’s the view where you can’t shake their opinion — many people reveal this within seconds.  You might be surprised to note just how close to the surface it really is.

But before you wave your judging finger at the other person, tap into your own thoughts, feelings, leanings and words.  Pinpoint what it is that drags you from the truth.  Those experiences in our lives that have skewed our perceptions to believe upon certain values.

Do this and do it with consistency and rigour and I can assure you that you’ve embarked on a sure path toward spiritual freedom.  We only know we’re on the pathway to truth when we’re honest about the lies we tell ourselves and have allowed ourselves to nurture over time without challenge.  These live in all of us, they’re toxic, and we’re better off without them.  Not only that, but those we love and live with are better off with a truer version of us.

As we live with less distrust in our lives, trust flourishes more and more, and our relationships improve across the board.

None of us can say we’re committed to God or to good or to the purposes of our lives unless we can fairly and squarely say, “There are lies living within me, and while they do, I’m imprisoned by them.”

We can also say, “BUT, I can live more freely as I live the prayer of Psalm 139:23-24, inviting God to search my heart for falsehood that garners anxiety and anything that separates me from truth.”

Photo by Federico Di Dio photography on Unsplash

The meaning of life is resurrection

It’s not until we’ve been broken, where all our pride and self-sufficiency are vanquished, that we land on the other side of a purpose beyond brokenness.  It never materialises immediately, and it forces us to believe for better, energising faith.  Faith that endures always carries us to the destination eventually.

It’s not until we’ve faced something that we thought was impossible, that we thought would end us, that we felt would crush us, that we stand facing the truth that fear cannot break us.

What breaks us takes us further along to our purpose — if we don’t ultimately give up.

There’s no fear in coming to the end of ourselves; only learning, only vision for what remains, only the knowledge of being lifted out of it by a faith that insists, eventually in recovery, upon rising.

Depression is a teacher.  Grief is a tutor for life.  They edify us around what we’re capable of bearing and overcoming.  There’s no shame in being broken, only a sense for victory that we endured all we could.  If not for these hardships, we would not discover what we’re made of.

None of this is said to defeat you, but to encourage you and inspire you to keep going.

Anybody who wants you to fail needs to see you succeed.  Those who can’t bear for you to die deserve to see you fly.  Most of all, it’s you who needs to see what you can do.  And no matter how bad things are now, you can overcome and rise if you say you will, if you use every resource available to you, if you’re humble enough to learn.

There is something beyond that place we all fear.  It’s resurrection — a place where fear ebbs away and we go on into new realms of authenticity.

This is a gospel reality, a Jesus truth, a thing that proves what God’s been saying all along.

Everything we do in rising from the abyss is done from a vision far off, yet a vision we cannot let go of, something that keeps us stepping one moment at a time, one day at a time, until we arrive there.

Resurrection may not seem to come for eons, but it does come when we keep pressing on.

The meaning of life is resurrection, to learn the lesson Jesus came to show us.  Death is not the end.  It’s the way of transcendence.

There’s something far worse than the death of being conquered in this life.  It’s balking beforehand.

So, go into the pain of the grief of your situation, feel it for what it is, allow it to reduce you in the truth of it, facing it, with support, and you can only grow.

Photo by Sylas Boesten on Unsplash