The number of conversations I have with people who tell me they’ve got an issue with anger — either their own or others’ anger — is astounding. The reason? Everybody’s got a relationship with anger. Many find it a hard thing to tame. Many others are intimidated by others’ anger. Either way, anger is a cause of much distress.
When anger is expressed in harmful ways it either hurts others or the person themselves. Anger turned inward is depression and anger turned outward is aggression. Both are violence. But anger needn’t be such a villain.
Here are five ways of responding well to tense, stressful, triggering situations:
1. Express the anger in a safe way – I hold a ‘triggers diary’ for those times when my anger needs to find expression. I go and hide away for a few moments and scribble my raw feelings down, then I re-read what I’ve written, and then I take a moment to think and pray before I re-enter my family’s space. When I need longer, it’s up to me to find more time and space.
2. Respond by pacification – this is a thing I’ve learned to do well in a pastoral setting because I genuinely want others to get along with each other. But in tense situations it can be hard to pacify angry people. Just like if we faced off with a wild bear, we need to remain still and non-aggressive, quick to listen, quiet and slow of voice, watching to keep our words, body language and gestures non-aggressive. There was only ever one situation I ever encountered that I wasn’t able to reduce the heat in the interaction. One time out of hundreds are odds I’ll take.
3. Remove yourself from the situation until things cool down – this is a boundary technique anyone can try if boundaries are possible in the relationship in question. If boundaries aren’t allowed, we’d have to ask why we’re in a relationship like that, but life’s not always that simple to be able to get out of some relationships. Removing ourselves from the situation isn’t denying the problem, but it does give us space to be safe, and it gives the other person time to cool down.
4. Forgive yourself for overreacting – one not-so-good response is to cruel yourself for reacting badly out of guilt — “Look how ‘bad’ I am!” Make your apologies sincerely to deal with any guilt. Get the business of reconciliation done. Do it sincerely. This in itself is responding well, even if the overreaction wasn’t the right way of starting.
5. Neither be goaded nor goad – the best of conflict is in responding so neither the other person nor you get hurt. Anger doesn’t have to end in harm. Repel the temptation to get them back and resist absorbing their attack in a way that damages you. Try to have the momentary poise (situational bravery) to not be intimidated no matter how imposing they are. Of course, it’s not always achievable, but it’s worth standing firm wherever we can.
Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
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