Courage in the Experience of Struggle

One of the most inspiring things I experience is spending time with those in deep struggle.  It is inspiring because in deep struggle people exemplify immense courage.

Having experienced my share of struggle (mainly, to this point, 20 to 2 years ago) I have observed within my own experience what it TAKES to live certain phases of life. 

Struggles define us our courageous. 

To struggle is the essence of courage, 

because there is no escape, no option, 

but to struggle yet keep stepping. 

Whether we prosper in our struggle or we are confounded by it matters little about the inherent courage we display.  Yet it’s cruel to think that in our deepest struggle we are often the last person to see how courageous we’re being. 

The very purpose of this article 

is to encourage the discouraged.  

The very presence of discouragement 

is evidence enough of your courage. 

As I search back in the distant past to the times I’ve struggled most, I always thank that younger version of myself for sticking at it and not giving up.  Even when I did give up for a day or two or longer, I didn’t give up in the ultimate sense. 

The same holds for you.  You have endured many hardships with great courage.  Look back and discover how courageous you were.  Or if you are younger and struggle is new to you, imagine the courage you’re showing now and imagine how thankful you will be in future times when life is not so bleak. 

When we can see what we’ve been through, and can appreciate the courage we’ve displayed, we attain a deeper appreciation for our depth of character. 

Especially in your struggle you are an inspiration. 

Personal power in the circle of control

Staying within the limits of our personal control is an eternal struggle for most people.  Who am I kidding?  The fact is we ALL struggle with it.  We would all like to have more personal control over the finer details in our lives.  If we are honest.

There is no greater cause of misery in this world
than our inability to control all the factors of our lives
that are out of our control.

This is the main cause of
most of the anxiety we suffer.

Of course, Jesus himself taught on this principle in the Sermon on the Mount.  Words to this effect: “Do not worry about your life… do not worry about tomorrow… today has enough trouble.”

The whole principle of life is based on accepting things we cannot change and changing the things we can.  But the former is harder than the latter.  The procrastinator struggles with the latter, but everyone struggles to accept the things they cannot change.  Accepting the things we cannot change is a challenge to our control but changing the things we can is an opportunity within our control.  There is a vast difference between the two.

Within life, there are three circles,
the circle of concern,
the circle of influence, and
the circle of control. 

There are any number of things we are concerned about, but cannot influence, just as there are many things we can influence, but cannot control.

There is wisdom, that is applied intelligence,
in staying within the circle of control.

All of this is summed up in the psychological theory called the internal locus of control.  That is, those who stay within their control exercise greater capacity for joy, hope, peace, and personal empowerment.  

Whereas those who endeavour
to control that which is beyond their grasp
enter a futility that must end in frustration.

When we play the blame game, we enter this futility, just as we do when we allow bitterness to fester and blur into unforgiveness.

When we insist we have life a certain way, or we demand a situation be different, we live in the external locus of control. 

When we allow unrealistic expectations to reign unchecked we set ourselves up for a pedigree of disappointment.

We lose all the power available to us because we are preferring to kick and stamp and scream about things we have no influence or control over.  We become miserable and that energy extends into the lives of those we touch.  It makes no sense and there’s no life in it, only death — death to hope, to peace, to joy.

When we live beyond our control, we exert a power that is not even ours.  We pretend we can exert a control we don’t have.  As we read these words, we sense the madness we engage in.

We certainly can forgive ourselves for losing our discipline.  But as soon as we recognise that we’ve lost our focus on staying within our control, we can choose to “let it go”.

Life is simpler than we think. 
Humility helps us to accept our limits.

Adversity teaches the kindness of empathy

One thing that never surprises me about human life is our universal need of the kindness of empathy.  Unfortunately, we often find our need of this at the end of a long season of suffering that seemed to come from nowhere and seemed to have no purpose when we were in it.  After the suffering is gone, however, we can perhaps see its purpose.

We suffer injustice to have our 
eyes opened to injustice’s possibilities.

Suffering awakens us 
to the perils in human life.

Nothing teaches us empathy like 
our own need of that form of kindness.

THE GOAL OUTBOUND OF THE SADDEST REALITY

Misfortune, misadventure, betrayal, grief, and mental health conundrums are the domain of us all at some point or other.  Those who think these maladies occur only in other’s lives are more bewildered than they ought to be, but life experience teaches us the basic lesson: Y.E.T.—YOU’RE ELIGIBLE, TOO!

None of us get a ‘gold pass of peace’ through our entire life.

Bad things don’t just happen to bad people.  Bad things happen to us all, and it can be the most indiscriminate event that ushers in a world of intolerable pain. 

Simply put, the saddest reality of all is that we will all suffer deep grief when we least expect it, perhaps when it’s least deserved, and we will be blindsided in the event.  

What could possibly be the goal of such tyranny 
against a person simply going about their life?

The goal is not so much about teaching us something, unless it is about teaching us that humanity has a universal need of empathy.  Empathy is a kindness we must learn is something irreplaceable in our own moment of perishing need.  

There’s no better way of learning other people’s need 
of empathy than through our own need of it.

Especially as we experience it through others at our time of greatest need.  And there are also times when others lack empathy, and we learn from their example what NOT to do for others in times of their present and future need.

WE GIVE WHAT WE RECEIVE

Why do people love and hate, or behave in any way, particularly?  

The Pygmalion or Rosenthal effect explains the psychological phenomenon of reciprocity.  If we give the kindness of empathy that same kindness is often passed forward.  But if we treat people unfairly, when they are going through trials and hardships, they will always respond in inappropriate ways.

It is ridiculous to ‘test’ people’s character 
when they’re enduring suffering.  

It is not only unkind and unnecessary, 
it can never be good for them.

Some of the hardest lessons I have ever learned were through people’s cold responses to me when they could have been empathetic and weren’t.  Some of the worst of these experiences occurred in Christian and church settings.  These experiences have taught me a valuable lesson, however.  I am thankful for them now.

They taught me that these evils are possible.  

They taught me that there is no substitute 
for fairness when life is being unfair.

The best fairness when life is unfair 
is to experience the kindness of empathy.

The Pygmalion or Rosenthal effect explains in a universal way how we respond as human beings in the face of adversity.  None of us is much different from another in terms of our visceral response to our own suffering, or the suffering of others we love and care for.  

When we need care, 
we see the need of it, and 
we respond well in the face of care.

Our own suffering teaches us like a mirror, “I needed the kindness of empathy so bad that it is now etched in my psyche—I will treat others with a care I know they need, because I needed it!”

There you go: an objective goal 
AND purpose in suffering.

In facing the demise of our own wellbeing, we see the potential for life to trend south so much that we lose all hope.  In the most lamentable of all human experiences we are connected more intimately with our own deepest needs, and hence we are connected to the universal human need—we LEARN the kindness of empathy.

Can suffering be good?  Yes, it can. 

As we learn the care we need from others, 
—through either their empathy or lack thereof—
we deliver on these needs toward others
if we have learned anything at all.

The kindness of empathy extended 
to another is acquisition of a care 
we learned out of our own suffering.

SIDE NOTE: this night 20 years ago, 4 October 2003, I was so very close to ending my life.  I am so very glad I didn’t.  If this is you today, please reach out for help!