How do I help my depressed loved one?

It is not only one of the hardest things to see our loved ones suffer debilitating depression, but it can also be frustrating for us and them when nothing seems to work to help—for either us helping or them who is trying to overcome a nebulous nemesis. 

As a helper within family or as a friend we can suffer expectations that our help would be effective and appreciated and it can seem as if neither is apparent or achievable. 

We need to remind ourselves that expectations are not helpful in the malaise of overwhelm, debilitation, and confusion that is depression.  Indeed, low, or even no expectations offer our suffering family member or friend exactly the kind of unconditional support they need.  But I don’t for a moment pretend that this is easy.

As a person being helped, we easily vacillate between various emotions, from feeling guilty another person’s help isn’t helping, like “there’s something really wrong with me!” to being anxious that they might withdraw their support, to even anger that it seems the person trying to help us is judging or blaming us. 

When we’re facing such an internal war to even comprehend what our problems are, the solutions evade us, and there’s little wonder we feel overwhelmed—and most because of all times in our lives, depression has stripped all our energies away from us.

When we most need resources to wrestle 
with impossible realities 
these same resources seem non-existent.

So how do I help my loved one who is suffering depression?

§     Open space for your loved one to speak into the silence and be prepared for the few words they may have to make little sense, being patient with them, even as you encourage them to be patient with themselves.  Depression is often incomprehensible.

§     Drop your expectations so you’re neither disappointed nor appear disappointed at your depressed loved one’s lack of progress or regression.  The fact is depression is a murky journey of many backward steps and holding patterns of debilitation.  The last thing a depressed loved one needs is projected pressure from outside when the war within themselves is raging hard enough to nigh-on impossible.

§     Find a place of peace within yourself, and this is where self-care is crucial.  To be a really effective support to another, especially someone we really care about, we need access to the faculties of our own support.  Being in a place of peace ourselves, confident of our ability to wish life well, being patient and gentle and generous of spirit is vital.  It’s important to prioritise your self-care when you’re in the midst of caring for a loved one suffering depression.  Being self-disciplined is crucial. 

§     Remembering how they were or how you both hope they might be is important.  Hope is vitally important, as is humour, as much as it is possible.  Give your loved one access to things they hope for, both in terms of real things in the coming days, as well as realistic aspirations.  Help them with goal setting, where even small goals achieved can be celebrated.  Help them know how proud a future version of themselves and you will be that they endured such a rough time now.

§     For those of faith try to imagine yourself as a benevolent one.  You are who God has placed in your loved one’s life, and you are their provision, and that is something to be thankful for: that you can provide that pivotal role for such a time as this.

§     Being honest whilst being kind is a way to deepen the relationship we have with our suffering loved one.  Loving people is not just about being ‘nice’.  We can be loving whilst helping them to wrestle with truths that cannot (or should not) be denied.

§     Give as much space for the emotions of your loved one as you can.  The less judgemental you can be the better.  Often times, feelings are what they are; they don’t need to be judged and judging them is often really unhelpful.  Let the feelings be.  Allow anger and numbness, sadness and fear.  The more we allow these, the less destructive they are.

These are obviously just a few tips.  There will be myriad others.  The main point is the attitude we take into our helping.  We are there to serve our loved one in faith that they will heal in time.  The key paradox in this is ignoring the aspect of time because healing truly is such an intangible and indefinable concept.  Learning to continually let go is important.

To go gently with others is 
to go gently with ourselves.

Use the faculties of the higher mind:
PAUSE and reflect before responding.

Putting off expectations is important, as is the commitment to unconditional positive regard, unconditional love, unconditional kindness.  These values will be challenged.  Expect challenges to come and try and be audacious enough to bring joy into impossible moments.  This is indeed possible.

Each day, one day at a time, we need to expect that we will be pushed for patience.  Learning to carry a smile about us is crucial.  It reminds us how much we are growing in patience—with others and with ourselves.

Wherever there is resilience, there is gratitude

None of us knows what is around the corner let alone what is immediately in front of us.

Nine years ago today we were blissfully unaware of what was about to take place at 5 pm tomorrow.  We had absolutely no idea that our son in utero was about to be diagnosed as having Pallister Killian Syndrome; that, on top of having a disastrous diaphragmatic hernia that allowed all his precious organs to float up into his chest cavity, preventing room for life-sustaining lung development.  Nine years ago today, we knew we were in a land of trouble, but we had no idea how bad it really was until we had the diagnosis.

One thing I can say qualitatively from this vantage point, having been through what we endured in the shattering of many dreams through child loss, is we simply must make the most of every good day we have. 

The nature of life, however, 
is that we don’t capitalise on the good, 
because we take it so much for granted.

Indeed, the paradox is we must endure 
some of the worst experiences known to humankind 
to truly learn gratitude for the common blessings 
that are poured into each of our lives.

We pass over the myriad good that is given to us because we clamour for what we don’t yet have, and instead of truly appreciating what has been given to us, we look over the fence at what others have, and what we could have, and we covet it with envious desire.

We don’t see the bad that is coming, and instead 
we set our sights on the good that we don’t have.

Or, we are so focused on the bad that could occur 
we are rendered incapable of enjoying 
the good right in front of us.

We would be much better off envisaging thankfulness for the hardships we have been spared from thus far.  Sadly, it is genuine and sustained suffering that teaches us this, and what a pity it is that we don’t appreciate the blessings that we already have because we haven’t yet learned to be grateful for them.

Gratitude is a present tense concept.

We can be grateful for what has occurred, i.e., the past, but we can only feel grateful in the present.  What fortifies the present moment better than gratitude?  Nothing really.  Our lives can only be enriched through gratitude.  

Through gratitude, we are 
less burdensome on others and ourselves.

Through gratitude, blessing emanates from our lives.

Through gratitude, we also see 
more and more of what God has given us 
and continues to copiously pour into our lives.

Whenever I look at surviving life through addiction, through grief and loss and brokenness, through depression and anxiety, through trauma, and through injustice, betrayal, and failure, I am amazed at how all these add up to gratitude.  How can it be that through all these terrible things life has become better than ever?  How can it be that when the worst things happen the best can come?  How are disasters redeemed so beautifully, beauty out of ashes?

To the uninitiated, this is the way of life 
when we go with faith, when we insist upon 
looking for the purpose within tragedy.

To the uninitiated, this is the way of life 
when we insist upon hope 
being the key to the way through hell.

To the uninitiated, there is life beyond suffering, 
beyond reproach, beyond disaster of all kinds.

To the uninitiated, there is a power called “resurrection” 
that materialises when we have lost everything 
yet believe that the best is yet to come.

The gospel narrative, of course, heralds his vision that saves us from eternity to eternity. And this gospel narrative is irrepressibly as true today as it was 2,000 years ago.  It is history but it is also a way of life we can enlist in.

Gratitude is the key to faith and to hope and to the conclusion of all good things.  Gratitude, especially within calamity, is an audacious reality that predestines and prophesies blessing.

Gratitude is evidence of the work of resilience.

Adversity endured builds resilience and 
resilience’s work is made complete through gratitude.

Only when addiction is faced can it be overcome

When a male friend from church gave me a little red book in 1993, I thanked him, promised I’d read it, but I honestly felt insulted.  I didn’t face at that time what would have set me free.  That little book was a condensed version of Alcoholics Anonymous’ “Big Book”.  Little did I know it at the time, but that book would become my constant companion ten years later when in 2003 I lost my first marriage, admitting that alcohol had become very problematic for me.

Over the past 10-15 years I’ve become a counsellor helping those who struggle with addiction.

What had to happen back in 2003 was I had to face the demon of dissociation.

I had to face the fact that I could not simply enjoy a drink from time to time.  I used alcohol to “destress” on a weekly basis and it was a pattern so engrained I couldn’t reverse it.  I would delude myself that I had it under control, but deeper down I knew I was a hypocrite and that deeper sense of shame drove me into further miseries of bondage to the drink.  I pretended to be the wine connoisseur.  I would, especially in my earlier years, show off how much alcohol I consume, never acknowledging how potentially harmful it was for my health.

The worst of it, when my life was about to crumble at the crisis of rock bottom in losing my first marriage, was I was managing a workplace alcohol and other drug program and I was the one who had the problem.  Yes, utter hypocrisy. 

Hypocrisy is a cataclysmic dissociation, 
a runaway train destined for disaster.

~

When we refuse to face our problems, 
we refuse to enlist the power to overcome them.

The power we need to overcome our problems
is available if only we face our problems head on.

Twenty years ago this year, I was in the midst of a lifestyle I deep down inside knew wasn’t sustainable.  It was stressful being a functional alcoholic.  It required me to make compromises that threatened my own wellbeing and the wellbeing of those I loved.  This is the worst from my present vantage point. 

I allowed the shame I had to dissociate from to master me.

These days, I see it in others’ lives and it’s not hard to empathise.  It seems hard to address, like a proverbial Mount Everest.  I know how easy it is to address, but nothing can be overcome until it is faced—until we admit we have lost control.

There is no shame in admitting we have lost control.
Indeed, it takes massive courage to admit our weakness.

Admitting defeat is the first step to victory. 

Overcoming is a power given 
to those who admit powerlessness.

There is nothing better than living a life free of the bondage of addiction.  Sobriety is the quintessence of freedom.  And the classic irony is we cannot overcome our addictions to achieve this freedom until we admit our lives have become unmanageable.

The first step, the first moment, of hope is when we look ourselves in the mirror and admit it to ourselves—“I have a problem.”  That’s the first, most powerful step.  The next step after awareness is action—time to get to work—the first day of the rest of our lives.

Unless we face our addictions, 
we cannot heal them.

Unless we face that which keeps us 
deep in the pit of our shame, 
we cannot overcome it.

~

We enter addictions when we feel entitled 
to pleasure or need to escape from pain.

Whether it’s pleasure or pain or a mix of both, what underlies our reticence to want to overcome our addiction is unwillingness to deal with our feelings, our emotions.

Overcoming addiction is as simple as being able to sit with uncomfortable, awkward emotions.  The fact is, any of us can do this, and when we can sit in the discomfort, we learn it doesn’t kill us, it empowers us.

A big, initial part of sitting with the discomfort is facing a truth that humbles us—“I’m not in control here, and only I can overcome this.”

There is power in enlisting others.  Indeed, a massive part of AA Twelve Steps work is enlisting the services of a mentor or sponsor (or counsellor) who we share our truth with.  But just as empowering is being truthful about our challenges in community.  We gain the power of self-acceptance in being accepted for who we are despite the challenges we face.

Ultimately, what is needed is honesty.  With honesty, we can overcome any challenge of dependence or addiction that besets us.

IMAGE: Words about the power of honesty from the AA chapter “How It Works”. 

Dimensions of Post Traumatic Growth

I love sharing my post traumatic growth with those I meet.  I’ve survived tragedy and grief, addiction, trauma, depression, anxiety, bitterness and resentment, self-doubting, panic attacks, burnout, dysfunction, suicidal ideation, failure, rejection, and loneliness.  And yet, like many helping professionals can personally attest, these locales of brokenness have only helped to define my journey of redemption. 

Our struggles and hardships 
are not disqualifiers or relegators. 
They are causes of crowns 
of invigorated capacity.  

It is wonderful to share our journeys of redemption 
in leading others to their journeys of redemption.

~

Life itself is a trauma.  Inevitably everyone will endure some trauma.  But there are times in life when we receive far too much than we can readily handle.  Yet this is balanced by the fact that in each of us is the vitalising ingredient of an ability to grow through it.

Some of the practical dimensions in growing post trauma include:

1.     MEANING MAKING WITH OTHERS

Symbiosis in human relationships is the phenomenon whereby two people share a connection, and when that connection is a positive one, there is power in such a relationship, characterised by high degrees of trust and respect.  Whenever we are in relationships like this the symbiosis shared benefits the individuals and meaning can be made from complex stimuli. 

One of the dimensions of post traumatic growth are relationships where the symbiosis is enjoyed.  Importantly, the symbiosis is not about one particular relationship or another.  It is about having the trust to be able to create the symbiosis.  Growth is about being able to grow this trust with safe individuals.  

Furthermore, this can be modelled in therapy, but it isn’t to be limited to therapy.  We all need relationships where there is high trust and connection with several others, preferably in face-to-face relationships where the power is shared.  When we have this, we bear the features of post traumatic growth.

2.    SELF-EMPATHY

The capacity to see ourselves as we truthfully are 
is a mark of post traumatic growth.

What this means is that shame, guilt, fear, self-rejection, resentment, and bitterness are at most carried briefly, then processed, yet preferably accounted for, so the remnants of all these are mitigated and no longer cause troubling levels of pain. 

The first step in this process is having the ability to empathise with another.  If we can genuinely stand in another person’s shoes, we can stand in our own shoes with compassion for ourselves.

Bearing the hallmarks of self-empathy, we can gently advocate for ourselves without becoming aggressive, accepting the outcomes of our advocacy—sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  When advocacy does not work, our self-empathy ensures our commitment to ourselves remains strong enough to hold our own amid opposition without us reacting angrily.

3.    ENGAGING IN PERSPECTIVE

Gratitude in a word. 
Perspective brings hope. 
We are small in this large world. 
We are finite and this is good.

~

When we authentically accept our smallness in the world, we are invited into pondering with wonder the enormity of life itself.  Then life itself tends to wrap itself around us and we may nurture thoughts of thankfulness for the plethora of things we are thankful for.

Very many blessings have been 
poured into all our lives.

Perspective is a great gift, for we see things as they truthfully are, and perhaps for the first time in a very long time we are given cause to SEE how glorious life is. 

It is a gift to be alive.
Each of us has been gifted this LIFE.

Seeing life as a GIFT is a 
hallmark of post traumatic growth.

~

4.    IDENTITY

Having a positive self-image about oneself and our achievements (marked by thankfulness) on the journey of growth is vital. 

Mitigating beliefs and narratives of shame, guilt, fear, self-rejection, resentment, and bitterness are imperatives to be attained.  We must face and feel the pain of all these and bring in the power of acceptance that we are loved and worthy.

Awareness is to be turned to purpose, 
and intention is to be turned to action. 
Observable behaviours full of peace and goodness 
will stem from new post-trauma attitudes.

~

Identity is the source of personhood.

Christian philosophies of personhood augment growth and peace with oneself because they are built in WHO we are, not in what we DO.  It is a huge relief to many when they reconcile truths like, “I am already worthy as I am.”  

We might imagine simply sitting at peace with this pleasant unchangeable reality.  Gratitude is nurtured when we meditate on these facts of our being.

Overall, we are LOVED in this life 
whether we feel it or not. 
We are WORTHY in this life 
whether we feel it or not.

Yet, seeing and feeling these things is 
evidence of post traumatic growth.

~