What makes us all relax in life is to know that no matter who we are, none of us is that much different than another. Nobody, no matter who they are, is any better or worse than another.
What reveals this is the fact that we all
face times when we feel like phonies.
People these days are suspicious—and rightly so; a healthy cynicism—of those who are unstintingly charming. It seems the litany of high-profile abuse exposures is helping people to see that it’s usually the manipulator who presents the faultless image.
Rather than seek to be perfect, which requires us to cover up our imperfections, it’s the essence of authentic humanity to be perfectly imperfect.
People are more than ever understanding of the faux pas and foibles, especially when they’re honest slips, and when those honest slips are owned and accounted for—yes, that includes sincere apologies. Indeed, it can be disarming in the most serendipitous way when one human being shows another human being that it’s okay to stumble. How beautiful it is when the person watching on can restore the person who wanted to do better and who is cut to the heart.
~
The following “leadership” quote really exemplifies what I’m say:
“Pro leadership tip: if you have a decent vision but appear to be otherwise incompetent*, good people will rise up to help you.
*actual incompetence also works.”
—Rory Shiner
I so resemble that remark. In an earlier pastoral ministry, I had two women confront me one day about not delivering on a promise I’d made to a male partner of one of their friends. When they discovered I was trying to do too much they joined the pastoral care team and coordinated it better than I could ever do.
They saw things I didn’t see, and they acted in ways I wouldn’t have thought to act, and as I watched them in the vantage point of leader, I learned a lot of what I didn’t previously know. All they required of me was my agreement and encouragement which I was only too glad to give.
I’d been incompetent and my failure had had a moral impact, but they could see that I was crestfallen for not delivering, and instead of judging my incompetence and punishing me, they, being good people, took on roles I’d otherwise never previously identified as needing—but did in fact need.
~
I’ve had times when I was so disappointed
with myself that I’ve stopped loving me!
Times when I’ve had unconscionable failures (not moral failures, but performance failures) that have caused me to vacillate in and out of shame.
During a very recent example of this I was held a bit tighter than normal by my wife as I endeavoured to sleep. She loves me when I can’t love myself. I’d made a mess of a state briefing report in front of over 100 people from the various regions and several agencies and had performed poorly (in my own opinion) at an interview later that day. Yes, again I had put too much stock in my performance, and part of this is the gravity I feel when faced with being a potential imposter. I’m humbled by the places and situations God puts me in. Paradoxically, it helps keep me grounded because part of me will never transcend the lowest places I’ve been and I’m thankful for that.
~
It’s a bit like the present opposition leader of Australia who in campaigning to be the prime minister from May 21. He’s made a few gaffes apparently, but it’s counterintuitive to think that his slips will bring him undone. They merely show he’s human.
Again, most people trust authentic humanity as opposed to smooth and polished inauthentic image management performances. There is more credibility in someone who makes honest mistakes that we can see than a person who appears without blemish.
~
The irony is it’s those who seriously transact with their feelings of imposter syndrome who are most honest about where they are and how far they’ve come. We’ll never be any more than the boy or girl next door, and that’s good from a relational viewpoint. We’ll never be better than we are.
The difference between a humble person and a narcissist is how they treat situations where they feel like imposters. The humble person FACES the undesired, uncomfortable, awkward feelings, and they bear those feelings as long as they’re real. The narcissist cannot bear even the concept that they’re not serene, attractive, measured, and marvellous in every way.
It’s more than okay to feel like an imposter or phoney because it’s a universal human frailty.
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