You have the need and the right to not only be safe but to feel safe

Picking up on well accepted principles for educating children, I don’t think there would be too many people that would argue that safety is both a human need and right.

Why is it, then, that we have so many issues and problems in our world in keeping people safe?

Why is it that most people have been traumatised in one way or another?  And why is it that a section of the population continues to have unresolved issues around post-traumatic stress because they weren’t kept safe?  We know very well that over 20% of women have experienced some form of sexual assault, and the majority of women have been sexually harassed.  Most people have been bullied at one time or another.

We are never being unreasonable when we insist that we and those we care about be kept safe.  We are never acting in an entitled way, and we are never being recalcitrant in respectfully insisting on this basic need and right.

Yet, we may be made to feel this way.  This is within the gamut of many of our personal experiences.

Who on earth would make us feel that way; that we cannot vouch for our needs and rights, and for those needs and rights of those around us?

These would be the people who feel it is their right to exploit others for their own gain.  Whether they imagine it is for their gain or not is immaterial, for there are people who are given to justify corrupt means as “holy” by making all sorts of excuses.

It is without doubt a cruel irony that we know and accept what our needs and rights are as far as feeling safe is concerned, and yet few of us feel very much in control of ensuring we and the others we care about can actually achieve our safety.

It may be just semantics when we contrast being safe with feeling safe, but these are important semantics.

Being safe is the outcome of feeling safe.  If we don’t feel safe, then we aren’t safe.  This caters for the spiritual person in each of us; the whole of our being.  We are the most advanced of creatures and we were given our feelings for an important reason and function.

To remain safe, we must have the capacity to speak about how we feel and feel confident that others will listen and respect what we say.  We have the need and right of help, too.

It is important that everyone has a voice in terms of their own safety, and even a voice to check in on others. It is one of the more beautiful things about being a human being; that, we are able to advocate for one another.

Of course, it would not be right to speak for someone without their permission, and we need to be careful that we speak only in ways that would truly be of benefit, and of service, to the other person.  And we need to attempt to empower the other person to speak for themselves, first and foremost.

In terms of their feeling safe, this is truly about honouring the perception of the person concerned.  Only an individual can tell us whether they feel safe or not.  Our role is to honour their perception completely, as they honour ours.  Trust is compromised and possibly destroyed otherwise.

Who would we be to insist that they are safe when they don’t feel safe?  To insist another person is safe is itself a form of abuse.

Only you are able to judge whether you are safe or not, whether you feel safe or not.

God gives you a heart and a mind and a spirit with which to discern, and a voice to communicate your truth.  God also provides helpers so you don’t feel you must do it on your own when you’re overwhelmed.

You have the need and the right to not only be safe but to feel safe.

When we feel safe, we transcend the difference between actual threat and perceived threat.  The perception of a threat is harmful enough.

Many harms do not leave bruises!

Photo by Lydia Torrey on Unsplash

Is it okay to love myself, and do I need to, so I can love others?

Mister (Fred) Rogers said that, “You can’t really love someone else unless you really love yourself first.”  I guess not many people would disagree with that.

I’ve certainly found in my life that I only had the capacity to love others once I understood truly how much God loves me, which is a roundabout way of saying, “If God loves me, who am I to not love myself?”

I spent the first 15 years of my adult life wanting to be able to love others well, always suspecting I needed to have love for myself, but never really achieving it.

I had come to Christ in my early 20s, but I didn’t really get God if you know what I mean.

I was able to go through the motions of faith, but never really had God’s Spirit. I know this is the case because when my life completely imploded in 2003 it was the first time I truly reached out and surrendered to God.  Broken and with no resistance (selfish pride) left, I found God!

Almost instantly I was given the keys to the Kingdom, which from a worldly perspective is the ability to love myself, mainly because I was not afraid of failure anymore.

My world had fallen apart and that was such a comprehensive failure that there was no point not facing it.  Indeed, it would’ve been plain embarrassing for me if I had have even attempted to hold up some pathetic façade.

So, God definitely used my comprehensive marriage failure — and my absolute acceptance of my own part in it — for my eventual benefit.

In coming to truly accept God through the acceptance of the truth of my life situation, I experienced God’s love and, hence, could only agree that I was lovable.

So, I get it, and I think the Rogers quote is true.

It also explains relationships where there is a lack of love because of a lack of ability to love.

It explains why there are people who simply don’t have the capacity to love, who also feel the need to falsely bolster their self-esteem, because there is no basis of being loved and of being intrinsically lovable, even if they’re putting on the show that they love and accept themselves.

See how important knowing you’re loved by God is?  It’s an absolute game changer!

If there’s a person in our life who will not love us because we suspect they cannot — because of the above reasons — we might well understand and empathise (it helps to empathise) without needing to pander to them.  We actually cannot help them.  It’s their journey.

Understanding shows us that their inability to love us is not our fault.  We’re not unlovable.  They’re the ones who have the problem.  If we’ve loved them in some co-dependent pattern, we can see out of this that at least we’ve been able to love them.  Yes, too much!

It’s important to be able to see that love transcends words.

If a person loves us, they love us with actions.  They do not say “I love you” and then control you with their actions.  That’s not love; it’s control.  They do not insist they love you, yet constantly neglect the relationship.

If we’re told we’re loved, the final test of their ability to actually love us is a reflection of whether they know they’re loved for who they are — yet, it’s not our love that can do this.

They must be able to see their inherent worth beyond performance, for none of us earn the love of God.  It’s just there because of Jesus.

To accept the love of God means finally we have the ability to love others.

Photo by Leighann Blackwood on Unsplash

Don’t fret when words fail you for the exhaustion you feel

There are moments in all our lives when we’re pushed beyond healthy coping.  Yes, it’s a thing.  There is no such thing as, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”  The key truth of life is that life circumstances will overwhelm us.

When I’m exhausted — usually when I’ve been in exhaustion for some time — I reach my limit quickly.  I should have picked up the warning signs earlier.

But like most of us if we’ve got many and varied responsibilities and people relying on us, I’m reticent to give up and let people down.  It’s too much of a cop-out to call us people-pleasers.

How can people be criticised for loving those in their care to the point of exhaustion?  It’s the call of the role!

I particularly appreciate parents and caregivers of those who have children with special needs.  Being close to those who have Pallister-Killian Syndrome, I have some idea of just how tough every single day is for the parents.  I’ve raised a child with special needs.  And so many parents I know are in the same position.  And it’s not just tough.  It’s tougher than that!

Yet, there are others who have horrendously exhausting lives through no fault of their own, many who are juggling the frailties of their own bodies and minds.

Then there’s the moment we come to consider.  When exhaustion speaks in groans, writhing and tears.  When perhaps there is a person who needs to be convinced that we really are feeling overwhelmed by it all.

Why is it that we’re not believed when we’re really feeling like we’ve given our all, and for the time being have nothing further to give?

Why is it that we’re the ones who are forced to consider whether it’s right or wrong to be burning out?  Skirting with guilt and feeling like we should have more in the tank, we suddenly recognise that, no, we’re really at our limit here.

When words fail us for the exhaustion we feel, perhaps it’s God taking our words away, even helping us feel so jaded and overwhelmed that we’re forced to stop, take stock, recollect, and design and set new plans, goals and boundaries.

In grief, the past was great, and the future can only get better

It happens.  The rug is pulled from under the feet of your life and you find yourself estranged from every comfort you took for granted.  You swing between effort and resent, denial and discouragement, faith for a moment before you’re all over the place yet again!

Suddenly there’s another revelation, as in déjà vu, “How on earth did I get here…?” and “How on earth do I get myself out of here…?”

I remember that thought; one vivid experience sitting in an AA meeting nearly 20 years ago, looking around thinking, “I don’t belong here!”  There were moments I hated that I did actually belong there — in the comfort of friends I needed at the time — as I learned to live the spiritual life of recovery, unity and service.

I’ve had other times like it since.  Times when I was stuck between my past and the coming, unknown and unknowable future awaiting me.  You know it.  It’s that future you hope for, a trust that God has good plans for how things end well, despite tragedy, travesty, or calamity.  Yet, the in-between is an eaten-out wreck of a life — or so it seems.

It’s an uneasy time.  A time where we may be given to feelings of dread, where we’re sorely tempted in some tremulous moments to give it all away.  Not because we can’t be bothered, as if our issues were that simple and that relatively pain-free.  They are not!

These are situations where we may momentarily despair even of life.  These are situations we never thought were conceivable.  We scratch our heads in sheer disbelief, because life as it was no longer is.  We have entered a twilight zone, where what happened to us seems like a nightmare, and yet how can that be worse than the present stark state of anguish?

We never realise that as we stand on this precipice, we’re closer than ever to God.  We don’t realise until we see and feel this, that it takes this amount of pain for God to get our attention.  Finally, we’re on our knees praying.

Stuck between past and future is a faith-growing time, where there’s nothing to lose — and everything to gain — in simply putting one foot in front of the other, never giving up, knowing when we’re halfway through hell we’re halfway out.

I know it’s not as mathematical as that — halfway through; halfway out — but the longer we stride by faith, the further we travel, the more we see the faithfulness of God has gotten us this far; and that faithfulness will carry us all the way through.

Amazingly, when we’re stuck between our past and our future, God is doing a work in us to heal us of what’s gone in order to prepare us for what’s coming.  Seems like we’re stuck.  But we’re not.  There’s actually a lot going on within the spiritual realms of our life.

So, when you’re halfway through hell remember you’re halfway out, and now is not the right time to relax.  Stay diligent.  Now is the making of you!

Now is the time to be present, to be mindful, to be obedient in discerning and taking each anointed step.  Now is the time, taking each important step on the road to your God-appointed destiny.

Though now seems horrendous, there will soon be a looking back, where we may hear from God and even say to ourselves, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Photo by JR Korpa on Unsplash

By faith they say, but does it work? It’s the only thing that does!

As it says in Psalm 37:5-6, let God vindicate you as bright as the noonday sun; and yet we doubt.  We must have faith, and what is faith but to commit our way to the Lord?  Psalm 37:5-6, then, is both the promise and its fulfilment.

If only we can travel by faith as the heroes of faith in Hebrews 11 did, we will soon find that eventually God does vindicate us.  But “soon” feels like an eternity.  The reality, however, is eternity is a very long time!  “Soon” is like a nanosecond in comparison.

The paradox, of course, is that we will not be vindicated if we doubt and slide back and get tossed around on the seas.  Oh dear.  I know what that’s about!

We must keep travelling forward in faith, that at the right time, and in the right way, God will vindicate us, and when he does, we will most certainly know it was from God just by the very manner and circumstances about which it happens.

We may not like faith if we are yet to be vindicated, and indeed, faith comes as an affront.  What do you mean we have to surrender and submit?  The truth is we all need to do this if we truly wish to work — which is faithful waiting — for the vindication our hearts desire (Psalm 37:4 — another verse with a promise and an outcome).

We must keep striving forward, despite the arrangement of obstacles that tempt us into all manner of doubting and resenting and rescinding, because in striding forward, we have the only path to vindication, even though by faith our efforts can seem a futile exercise.

We stand at a precipice. In the valley of decision. We must choose doubt or faith. One feels comfortable in the present time and the other feels decidedly foolish, but with time and the passage of God’s all-provident flow, faith always sends us in the direction of reward, yet doubting sends us barrelling toward despair.

The thing with faith is this.  We cannot hedge our bets.  We must commit one way or the other.  We go our way and it feels good, but our vindication does not come this way.  We go God’s way even though it seems nonsensical, but by faith we journey steadily toward the divinely-appointed-and-anointed destination.

We cannot go both ways — or dither between both ways.  This way does not work.

No matter how far you feel you are from vindication, please know that God will vindicate you as bright as the noonday sun at his appointed time and moment.  And when this happens, as it will be for us all, we will hardly believe how real God is in procuring a solution that blows us away by how ingenious it was.

But only by faith.

God gives us a choice.  Take a chance on him or settle things our own way.  Whilst his way seems ludicrous, as life works out it’s the only way that works.

We must give our vindication to God in faith and leave it there if we hope to get it.  But if we take our vindication and cling to it for dear life, we will never receive it!

Photo by Corinne Kutz on Unsplash

Trauma survivors blame themselves when they’re triggered

I don’t feel the way I do now about certain things compared with how I felt five or ten or fifteen years ago.  It’s the same for us all.  But how much worse is it when we look back to a time when such simple things as receiving a phone call, text or email weren’t a trigger?

What do I mean ‘a trigger’?  Let’s imagine what triggers you is getting the said phone call, text or email from a particular source; call them protagonist of narcissistic abuse (that’s how you experience them — and you have every right to feel that way, for they consistently overpower you and they may even seem to relish the fact).  But not only that.  Say it’s an email.  Its contents are an affront to you.  Not just who it’s from, but what is said in it!

You got the email, were confounded by its contents, were overwhelmed emotionally, and you possibly entered your cycle for being triggered.  This could have been anger that you directed toward someone else (though triggering is never an excuse for hurting someone) or anger you directed at yourself (which is very common), or you could have found yourself laying on the bathroom floor in a shaken, teary mess, or it could have left you in a frozen catatonic state, or the whole fury of the episode just left you utterly spent.

Notice how I didn’t title this piece “What triggers you isn’t your fault”?  I don’t want to enable crafty abusers who might misuse this and be enabled.  They don’t blame themselves when they say they’re triggered.  But the trauma survivor does blame themselves, for they have been conditioned to think this way by the abuser or the abusive system (many abusers) who have continually blamed them.

The trauma survivor may say all kinds of things about how they resent the abuse they’ve received and their abuser, but they always end up blaming themselves for being triggered in the first place.  Narcissists behave in no such way.  They always justify their outbursts and they always protect this niche; the reason being, they need license to re-offend and they need a method that’s sanctioned.

There’s the guilt for not managing an emotional response “the way I should have.”  Narcissists don’t feel guilty — they always feel justified.

The tragic irony is the trauma sufferer cannot help being triggered, but if they’re not narcissists they do own their healing work, and they will make gentle progress toward their goal of increasing control over triggers as they learn and develop counter measures.  This takes time, and in the long run is worth it.

We could well say that narcissists have their own trauma, and they actually do, but they will not go there, because to ‘go there’ is to admit something’s wrong with them.  That they cannot seem to do.

If we find there is a pattern of blaming ourselves when we’re triggered, we know why.  We have been conditioned to think it’s always our fault.  And you know what?  That doesn’t mean it is your fault.  What it usually means is you’ve had someone in your life who has taken advantage of you.  And they might still do.

We blame ourselves because that’s the narrative we’ve been trained to believe.  Maybe it’s time to re-write the story.

Photo by Dmitry Schemelev on Unsplash

The one thing they wouldn’t do, was just be honest with you

We all know how this story ends.  Someone is dishonest with us when we had every fair expectation that they would be faithful to their word.

It happens so very often in life.

From the acquaintance who doesn’t return that thing or call to the person who doesn’t follow through with a promised business decision to the friend who cheats us out of something valuable (or not), to the full-blown affair that sends our life into emotional freefall.

And then there’s the one where we thought we knew where we stood, but then we find the truth was opposite to the information we’d been acting upon.

All we can do is promise and deliver upon our own faithfulness, but that doesn’t get us as far as we think it would in terms of relationship safety.  It doesn’t always auger well for those who are prepared to lead by example.

I would argue that no matter how hard it is being the victim, it is always far worse a position to be the guilty party.  But this assumes the guilty party has a conscience and even is able to see themselves as being in the wrong.

For those who have been there, where a key person, a partner, a good friend, someone else you relied upon to the hilt, betrayed you through dishonesty, you find you never really get over it.

Sure, you can forgive a poor judgement associated with repentance.  It may take a while, but you can forgive that, because the person knows they’re wrong.

What is harder to forgive is the betrayal they justify or deny.  That’s when life really changes, and you enter a greater, more nebulous undoable grief.  It’s where grief gets complicated.

It’s amazing the impact it has on us when someone we relied upon in terms of a fundamental loyalty turns out to be a cheat.  It changes us from that instant onwards.  And sure, we grow out of it, but we would never have chosen that life for ourselves.

This leads me to finish on the note of thanks for those who are honest with us.

Let’s thank God for them!

How safe you feel in conflict is the best relationship indicator

How a person handles conflict is the best indicator of how safe they are in terms of negotiating and maintaining a relationship.

Think about it.  How people are at their worst shows us how safe they are (or aren’t).

The very best people to form relationships with are those who are emotionally intelligent — personally and socially aware, intuitive, responsive. They have self-awareness backed in humility, and the self-discipline to act upon their interpersonal reflections.  They can especially see how their responses may be unhelpful.

They can see their own contribution to conflict AND they can own it.

As a counterpoint, they do not focus on what the other person contributed to the conflict.  They trust that the other person may eventually own what is theirs alone to own.  But they also take care not to let their partner off the hook constantly, enabling poor behaviour to develop or continue.

These kinds of people are not troubled by conflict to the extent of attacking the other or escaping altogether.

They act as peacemakers, which means they see conflict as an opportunity — they neither run from conflict nor do they fight within it.

Purely from a self-serving perspective, it is wise to nurture relationships with those who bear conflict well; who think the best of us even when we’re in serious disagreement.  The same is required of us.  Indeed, sometimes the worst of persons in conflict are intimidated by calmness in the other.  But calmness in conflict is a sign of maturity.

The irony is, however, that birds of a feather flock together. If we ourselves are not respectful, big-minded and open-hearted in treating our relationships as crucially valuable (and more valuable than the divisive issues that would separate us), we’re unlikely to attract or keep good friends.  The same works for others.

People who don’t respect your boundaries aren’t worthy of relationship.

Take care not to form a relationship with a person who does conflict poorly.

The worst people to enter relationships with are those who show early on that they cannot cope with conflict.  They have poor self-awareness in and after conflict.  They cannot see their own contribution, and they will not do their own heart work.  Where they do apologise, those who don’t do their heart work don’t truly mean it, and their apology will not stick to the point of behaviour change.  They show little or no desire to understand what they’ve done wrong.  Worst of all, they may even feign a humble heart, which in the worst cases is a most horrendous deception.

Heart work is hard.

But it is a fundamental part of being a partner.

It relies on being humble enough to feel the pain of our own wrongdoing, because relationships will always draw out our own heart issues.  As iron sharpens iron and each person reflects the other as in a mirror (Proverbs 27:17, 19), relationships reveal character; our capacity to relate.

We can’t hide our character in relationships.

Character flaws come to the fore there.

One red flag to watch for in a new relationship is the state of the other person’s existing or previous relationships.  Watch very well how they handle conflict with others.  Watch for destructive traits and toxicity in their broken relationships.  Watch how quickly they assume their own responsibility or watch how quickly they blame the other person.

Watch also that you don’t fall for the “we are special” and “it won’t be the same with us” traps.  All relationships (whether romantic or not) have a romantic phase where we are tempted to overlook serious issues.

Don’t overlook triggers, red flags, hunches, and most of all, patterns.

Don’t be idealistic.  Be realistic.

Some people — and the word “narcissist” comes to mind — are not suited to relationships.  They cannot compromise and will not do their own hard heart work.  They exasperate those they’re in relationships with.  They bear little or no interest in respecting safe boundaries.  It’s their way or the highway.  They don’t readily take responsibility.  Their personal growth is stunted.

In conclusion, as the image above/below depicts, relationships are a long journey walking together.  Longevity is the biggest challenge to intimate relationships.

It’s astounding how many relationships break down over a single issue that goes awry — the hill we choose to die on — causing one or both to stubbornly dig their heels in and actively resist efforts for genuine reconciliation. Often this leaves one party abusively marooned, and where there is a power inequality, it’s usually the party with least power who loses all.

Relationship fracture often happens because smaller issues of irritation were avoided by one or both parties, mainly because there wasn’t the confidence in the relationship to bear the stress of conflict.

In other words, one or both of the parties have insufficient trust in the other party’s humility and/or they lack humility themselves.

The simple advice is partner with people who can do conflict well.

Photo by Shaojie on Unsplash

A rightful agony, a wrongful denial, a costly faith, a sure destiny

“You know we can agonise over wretched emotions brought about by wretched situations but the one worse thing would be the absence of rightly belonging wretched emotions for situations where that is the healthy response. 
We should sorrow for broken relationship. 
We should sorrow for lost people. 
We should sorrow for those being harmed or if we have caused harm. 
That’s why we have a Comforter, Redeemer and Burden Sharer.”

—Heather McEwan

Sheer wisdom that is as deep as the Mariana Trench.

Note that about serious wisdom.  It catches your eye and it appears at a first glance as inscrutable.  It draws you in.  It tantalises your heart and captivates your mind.  And it fills you with every sense of goodness, purging you in that moment of all presence of darkness, because God is in it, and you feel you’re immediately in the territory of the teachable.

Here is what I think this is about.  The first part:

“You know we can agonise over wretched emotions brought about by wretched situations but the one worse thing would be the absence of rightly belonging wretched emotions for situations where that is the healthy response.”

If you’re like me, you have to read it a few times.  It’s thick with meaning.

“... the absence of rightly belonging wretched emotions...

“... for situations where that is the healthy response.”

The sentiment here is love is costly.  It doesn’t deny the wretched emotion, and indeed agrees that many wretched emotions are rightly belonging.  If your son or daughter is abused, or if your partner has an affair, or even if you know someone lied — or especially if you lied, or had the affair, or were the abuser (heaven forbid!) — these things lead to rightly belonging wretched emotions.

Or, even as we watch on, innocently, as a third party... where we’re tempted to take our leave and look or walk the other way.

For all the rightly belonging wretched emotions there is a healthy response.  Indeed, feeling wretched IS the right response.  It is awareness to be acted upon.  If we’re aware that feeling the wretched emotion is painful, doing the healthy response of action can feel just as painful.  It evokes a terrible moment.

It is pain.  For the moment at least.  Then peace. 

Then, once the feeling of peace has subsided, or perhaps as this emerges, there’s the resistance of those who would prefer (us) to deny or attack—for those who prefer wickedness to go deep into hiddenness.

Then there’s the fear that creeps up and threatens our peace for having done the right thing.  Then we feel the poring eyes of evil.  We feel the clutch of the murky tempest as it rises to the disdain of the purposes of God.

Peace for righteousness sake... until the resistance of the forces against God rise up to threaten through myriad form of manipulative threat.  Evil hates good, dark despises light.

Respond in a healthy way and we face what the enemy has prepared in advance for us!  A scourging of our character, a tinge and the loathing of regret, the temptation to rescind, a moment where to cringe feels right but never is.  Where we enter relational apostasy.

Every time we take the way of least resistance, we’re forming an alliance with and we’re giving an allegiance to God’s enemy.  Whispers of, “It’s okay... everyone’s doing it... shut your mouth and keep it shut... don’t rock the boat,” occur in all our minds perhaps.

We must become aware of these inner secrets of darkness’s delight.  These things are uttered deeply into our soul without as much as our awareness and we make agreements in the secret places.  It costs nothing and we get ourselves a false peace that always costs someone else very significantly.

Rightly belonging wretched emotions... we were made to hold them and contain them, to ruminate over them and to not disparage them.  It takes a great deal of spiritual fortitude to hold this inner ugliness respectfully, to ponder it, while not pushing it away.

God gives us these terrible things for a holy purpose.  Whatever costs us in terms of the right actions will alleviate something terrible for the other.  It ought to be our living, waking, conscious mandate — each and every day and moment.

There is nothing like the comfort that our Comforter provides when we do what is right.  The action of redemption is operant in every right action.  And may we receive the promised comfort the Burden Sharer provides even as we share one another’s burdens to the glory of God.

Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

When the best thing you could do is be gentle with yourself

I am doing the best I can
with what I have
in this moment
and that is all I can expect
of anyone including me.

Reflect over those words. They are words of high wisdom in several circumstances of life. Situations like the moments and days after sudden news, at times of imminent loss, when the unanticipated moment is cast forth, breaking-in to our experience. On whole days when, we may feel we should be over the grief, but it assails us as painfully as ever. At times when we’re overwhelmed for some reason, whether that reason can be explained or not.

At times like that:

I am doing the best I can… we only have the present moment and the attributions of our best perception with which to adapt to. We’ve made an assessment of everything we have, and we give it all the best we can. We’re all doing the best we can, given who we are.

… with what I have in this moment… the resources we have at any time can often be improved as we draw on any energy reserves, we have. But when those energy reserves are already maxed out, where we have what we have and nothing more, it’s time to back off the pressure and be gentle with ourselves.

… that is all I can expect of anyone including me. It is. We cannot expect ourselves or anyone else to ‘snap out of it’ just because it makes us feel more comfortable. Sure, a person might respond to that sort of pressure out of fear, but it’s nowhere near the best way to deal with emotions that cannot bear reality.

Photo by Peter Oslanec on Unsplash