Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash
I was asked a question some time ago by a man who genuinely
wished for his wife to feel safer in their marriage. (He had dealt with her in
an abusive way and had shown the fruit of genuine repentance — that is, he had
learned from his wrong and had turned back to God to learn and apply new ways
of behaving.)
As happens in many marriages, not that we hear it very much,
there are abuses done, and the statistics tell us that 85% of abuse is
perpetrated by husbands. Many wives have become victims of abuse, and a lot of
this abuse is invisible, for example, verbal, psychological, emotional, financial,
and neglect.
This article focuses on abuses done to wives, the 85%,
not abuse done to husbands (15%),
which I will cover at another time.
not abuse done to husbands (15%),
which I will cover at another time.
At the centre of abuse is a husband driven by insecurity and the
need for control. Any man worth his salt will attest to those drives, but not
every man succumbs to those drives.
At the core of every person is the need to feel safe and secure,
yet safety and security needs are elevated in women. For a wife, that need for
security is most deeply met in how
her husband provides for her holistic care, loving her by respecting
unequivocally her right to her mental and emotional well-being, ensuring he’s
no barrier to it, accepting it is her domain, to which he adds his proactive
support.
In the simplest terms, he meets her security needs by making her
feel safe.
What does this mean?
·
He doesn’t control her in any way,
and his wife is the arbiter about that. If she feels controlled, she knows it
and she feels unsafe. She is empowered to call it what it is. And he listens in
humility and corrects his behaviour.
·
He watches how he interacts with
his wife and is careful not to behave in ways that cause her to feel anxious.
(This assumes he’s interested and curious enough to know what makes her feel
anxious.) Where his behaviour does cause her anxiety, he is quick to acknowledge
his wrong and repent of it.
·
He manages his anger, knowing that annoyance,
frustration and irritation are the things he feels. His wife feels far more
threatening emotions, like fear, intimidation and diminishment of her
personhood. He recognises there are stark differences in how the gender roles
play out; that her fear trumps his frustration. While he hates being frustrated
and annoyed, he hates more contributing to her feeling fearful.
·
He understands that privilege and
power that is availed to him in simply being male in this world. This is a
journey for a man to come to this understanding, because he’s never been a
woman. But understanding gender privilege and the power that comes with it, he
has a choice: to depower himself and empower those around him, especially the girls
and women in his life.
·
He takes his responsibility
seriously, isn’t quick to blame his wife for anything, and willingly gets the
log out of his own eye in conflict (Matthew 7:1-5). And where he does falter,
he’s quick to apologise with sincerity.[1]
·
He is committed to resolving
conflict in a peacemaking way. He learns when he can overlook an offence, is
committed to reconciliation and negotiation, and executes accountability over
himself.
·
He gives her permission to do that
which she feels called or obligated to do, understanding that she ought not to be
required to gain his permission. He is her cheerleader. She has control over
her life.
·
He shares his feelings with her but
is careful never to blame or attack her. In other words, he owns his feelings
and can hold her safe in his communication. This way, she is free to support
him without having to wrestle with the angst caused by having to support him
whilst feeling attacked or blamed. She cannot support him when she feels
attacked or blamed.
Above all, a husband who loves his wife as Christ loved the
church believes everything she says is important and valid and worthy.
To do these things, the husband needs to be safe in himself, and
how can he be safe in himself unless he is safe in God? In loving God, he has
learned the glory of serving his wife. A husband like this, for any wife, is a
pleasure to submit to, for there is mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21).
These are some of the mandates I espouse in counselling husbands
and wives.
And just to complete the article adequately, men must ask how
they can keep their wives safe in the company of unsafe others — in their
workplaces particularly. At the earliest sign of a toxic relationship in a
workplace, husbands can support their wives by empowering them to do all they
can to use formal processes of grievance; once they’ve been exhausted, to be
prepared to withdraw from unsafe situations.
This article was inspired by an article on the blog A Cry for Justice: https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2018/07/06/chris-moles-gets-the-gender-thing-right-in-domestic-abuse/
This article also acknowledges the PeaceWise suite of tools, especially The Slippery Slope of Conflict and
Peacemaking Responses.
[1] A sincere apology addresses everyone involved, avoids
ifs, buts, and maybes, admits the error
specifically, acknowledges the hurt
caused, accepts the consequences
commensurate with the hurt caused, alters
behaviour, and asks for forgiveness.
Source: PeaceWise, Seven A’s of Confession. More information: https://peacewise.org.au/a-good-confession/
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