There are some I know who must wonder why I harp on about abuse in familial relationships. They may not get it. I’ve seen far too many people lose so much when they endured a relationship far too long—whether that’s 30 years or 30 days.
From my viewpoint, people are better off single than in a relationship with a destructive partner. Too many people either commit too early or they discount issues that warrant serious facing. As a result, months or years (and in some cases, decades) down the track the destruction is incalculable.
It is tragic, particularly for the children who are inculcated in such a traumatic set up of “family,” but for the partner who has suffered abuse (usually well behind closed doors) all those years there is a cavalcade of regret, guilt, shame and, to add insult to injury, their own trauma. The cherry on top is the jilted narcissist who exploits every opportunity to undermine the parent who is trying—as they always have—to pick up the pieces.
I know a pastor who counsels pre-marrieds in a particular way that creates or utilises existing conflict. It might sound barbaric to counsel people who intend to marry in this way, but the way he sees it is it’s better they break up BEFORE they get married and have kids than afterwards. It reminds me of the pre-marriage education my wife and I had. There were some very testy sessions and some hard things to hear, particularly for me, but if I hadn’t have responded well, I had no right to marry the princess God had supposedly given to me! The pastor I mention above was at our wedding and he told me in two words—in no uncertain terms—what would happen to me if my wife was damaged by me in any way! I respected his right to say that.
I share these accounts for a reason. There is a person who, when tested, will never truly submit. The problem is those relationships where there is no serious testing. Why do we, for instance, let men we know hardly anything truly about marry our precious women? Why aren’t these men tested? Nobody who has integrity minds being tested; indeed, those who have integrity are honoured when they pass them! And when they are, why don’t the women themselves sit back in faith and watch what happens. No man needs a defender and ought to be answerable for his behaviour.
What’s his contrition like. I serve in a ministry that teaches people how to BIBLICALLY apologise. The heart of a good apology is within the heart of the person apologising. We can tell pretty quickly how well a person apologises if we’re watchful for the signs. Do they convey understanding of the real issues that hurt you? Do they give an unreserved apology and make no excuses for their behaviour? Are they cross with themselves in a way they’re determined to do better? Do they empathise with the hurt their behaviour caused? Do they genuinely get you? Do they genuinely repent? That’s a change of mind that generates a change of behaviour, because there is change of heart, because without heart change there is no change. Do they seek to be forgiven, but accept whatever consequences that come, i.e. if you can’t forgive immediately (or even at all) they don’t hold it against you?
Or, do they show no genuine interest in understanding? Do they shower their “apology” with ifs, buts and maybes? “If you didn’t do this, then I wouldn’t have done that... sorry, but... maybe if you hadn’t...” Do they continue to return to the same behavioural vomit each time, even if they’d promised it would never happen again? Do they have no regard for forgiveness; do they never throw themselves purely at your mercy? Do they begin to utter their “sorry” and only stay sorry if you don’t challenge the apology? (All apologies can be challenged; they’re merely the invitation to discussion in terms of potential for reconciliation). Anyone who says “Well, I apologised, didn’t I?” really isn’t apologising.
At the core of all this is the person’s heart. In the narcissist’s heart is a web of deceit. Nothing good comes from such a heart. Their modus operandi is coercive and manipulative, often with a charming smile to go with it. You never know where you stand with such a person. If they appear enigmatic, watch out. When a person is incapable of loving, because that means sacrificing for others, there is no good ending to such a partnership.
Pre-married people ought to seriously consider what their lives will be like WHEN the marriage implodes in dust—50 percent of them do! Do the math—that’s one in two. When they are forced to pick up the pieces with growing children in tow. What it will be like to co-parent with someone it was hard, impossible or dangerous to live with.
It is wise to always bear in mind that our marriages are not impervious to something shocking occurring. Whether it’s an affair—or a string of them!—or it’s an addiction “from nowhere” (I mean, come on!), or it’s the incapacity to love, or for any other reason, it is devastating to lose a marriage under these circumstances.
The short word is do not become “yoked” with someone who may not share your values for integrity. You must only marry when you are beyond doubt for their integrity.
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