One day recently, a triple-whammy struck me. Three conflicts where the common premise was that I wasn’t doing enough—or, at least what I thought these people were saying about me... that I was lazy, couldn’t be bothered, or couldn’t care less.
The amount I do to prove to one and all that I do care.
Suddenly, what I observed in my spirit was a remarkable attack. My heart was crushed, and my mind was stopped. I felt like a blob. Times when I’ve got nothing left. All the energy is drained from me. It was even more of an attack when I heard the disparaging voice of self-condemnation characteristic of attack.
As I write I still feel it, it was that recent! (When I say ‘recent’ I usually mean yesterday.)
We are most susceptible to feedback that is closest to us. From those we love and who love us. Yes, that’s right. Relational conflict equals personal grief, and the closer we are to the people we’re in conflict with—the more trust and intimacy there—the deeper the grief we descend into.
Think about it. Every conflict is proportionate to the grief we experience.
The worst grief I’ve ever had came from conflicts I just could not resolve—that’s loss. These are situations that irresolvable, and let’s face it, all conflicts feel impossible until they’re resolved.
When I’m in conflict with those I love I feel so wrung of heart that I can feel that all my strength ebbs away. Yet, I’m amazed just how two or three matters collude together to absolutely flatten me. Even in the knowledge that this is a spiritual attack, I often feel beyond reconciling not just the conflict, but myself.
When I’m estranged from someone, I feel estranged from myself.
There, enters the grief. The conflict creates stress which causes grief.
Grief is a far more common experience than most of us realise, because in conflict we get a taste of loss, and that loss promises us something that we cannot face; we have hurt someone or we ourselves have been hurt.
Every single one of us is prone to feeling attacked when we feel conflict descends without warning which takes away our sense of control. If the conflict was laden with hope it would be a different story. If it descended slowly and not so suddenly, we may be better prepared.
But conflict descends abruptly, as does loss that carries us off directly to grief.
What do I do when I know I’m under the acuteness of attack, borne of conflict which creates stress that causes grief?
I know I can’t shift it. Perhaps it’s as simple as staying calm and saying, “This, too, shall pass.” I know if I act out of my unregulated grief, I know I stand to hurt others or myself. Grief can feel a dangerous place to be.
I’ve found it better to do nothing, tell myself to be calm, and try and be at peace with tormenting thoughts and feelings that make me mad and sad and even fearful. I try to recognise it is grief that makes me feel like I’m dying. And I’m so thankful for the person God has given to me to hold my hand and just be with me when all I can do is utter nonsense, stare blankly, and weep the odd sob.
It’s grief and that’s okay. To acknowledge it, to let it sit with us for a while. That’s all that’s required.
And, do you know the funny thing? If only we let our grief stay, and we bear the pain of loss in conflict, this too does pass! It really does.
Bearing pain isn’t rocket science. Holding and containing our grief is simple, and it isn’t even that hard. We just need to be true to our experience, however ugly that feels, or uncomfortable or even “boring” that is.
Healing is more straight-forward than we had imagined. It just really isn’t pretty or glamorous.
Photo by reza shayestehpour on Unsplash
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