Growth and gratitude or bitterness and resentment?

I love discussions about life and the struggles of life because we cannot avoid either.  As I often say, the key to life is facing it head on because the only other option is not very palatable.  We get nowhere sticking our head in the sand.  And we get nowhere also when we rail against life because it’s unfair.  

Yes, life is unfair at times.  It is.
But this isn’t the end of the story.

The end of the story is it’s beginning; always coming back to its beginning, life’s source.  When we are caused to wonder and arrive at gratitude for the copious blessing that is in each our laps.  There is always a deeper reason to be thankful for, if only we see the possibility.

In a recent discussion on the way to a Wellness event and on the way back afterward, I was prompted to ponder. 

Those who have been through relational breakdown didn’t prosper through working through the pain and challenges—obviously this takes two people willing to be challenged and to grow through their challenges.  This takes humility and courage, always does.  But what are the options?  Throw the baby out with the bath water?  What a sad, sad reality it is when marriages end because one or both refuse to work on the issues that divide them or cause pain.

Marriages that survive prove 
the point of post traumatic growth.

Couples battle through the tough times.  They do this because they see it as the better of two or more poor options.

They keep going in faith, having sufficient hope that things will get better, being realistic enough to know that to battle through hell and keep going is infinitely better than upending life itself.

Yet nobody prospers in an abusive marriage—not the partner abused nor the perpetrator.  If a person shows no signs of being willing to change, they can prove to be incapable of relationship.  I know people like this.  But most people are not essentially like this.  Most people, deeper down, want the opportunity of growth, even if they must be forced to engage with it.

Marriage is just one example of this.  
It’s very similar with workplaces.

Think of how unsatisfied you’ve been in a particular work setting.  Has it ever been all the elements that are unsatisfactory, or that one non-negotiable is always transgressed?  For those who have been in or are in long tenure employment (longer than five years), you’ve done the hardest years.  To stay is easier in the longer haul than to leave over frivolous reasons.  Build on what you have already invested...

Unless to leave would open up new options 
that connect you to your deeper purpose...
then leave, don’t be held back, leave and grow.

EVIDENCE OF POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH

The best evidence that growth exists on the other side of trauma is the gratitude that comes, the gratitude that proves your life has blossomed through challenge.  Because what is the only other option?  Shrinkage?  Ill mental health because of post traumatic stress disorder?

Sure, we cannot always control what triggers us via various stressors.  We can only work through these, and find ways of coping in the gradual rebuilding process.  But what is the other option in comparison to building?  We either rebuild or we recede.  Not much of a choice.

As Sir Winston Churchill said, 
“If you’re going through hell... keep going.”

It’s the wisdom of the ages.  Life offers no other palatable choice.  Who in their right mind would not simply struggle on, one-day-at-a-time, to get through their hellish circumstance?

The stark reality in the final analysis is that these are the options:

Struggle through in faith and hope, and growth occurs, 
whereby a grateful life is lived and won.

~OR~

Blame everything else and not take up 
that cudgel of the challenge, 
and bear a life of bitterness and resentment 
which is a bane for you and 
all those around you to bear.

~

In the cold light of day, 
there isn’t much of a choice.  

Gratitude or bitterness?

The fact of the matter is nobody prospers out of a life that refuses to work.  We must all work to prosper in this life.  The wisdom is in the work.  And the work is in accepting our contribution to life, from one small thing to take responsibility for, to the next, to the next, and so on.

Those who accept their personal individual workload tend to get through their traumas.  Sure, in many cases we still wear the scars of such a process, but those scars are beautiful in that they are the basis of true and rare humility that only comes when put our nose to the grindstone.

Gratitude or bitterness?

Which way are you going?

Is the way to gratitude tough?  It sure is!

But is the way to bitterness any less tough?
Man, that is the toughest, nonsensical life.

Those who work through the challenges of life inevitably arrive at a destination of gratitude, whereas those who hate what life and people and the circumstances of life have “done” to them arrive at a bitter, untenable destination.  There is often a bitter grief that is common to both routes.  

Endure the bitter grief, 
work it through, 
keep going through your hell, 
for you WILL grow.  

There are always things to be grateful for.
Life opens up in its abundance in gratitude.

Nobody is entitled to entitlement

Life ought to teach us: entitlement serves neither ourselves nor others.

Entitlement seems more a problem these days than ever.  But it has always been around.  It ruins relationships and lives.  It is a system of living where there are only losers.  

Even the entitled lose. 

It seems obvious that those on 
the receiving end of entitlement lose. 

But the entitled also lose.

One of the aims of this article is to convince the entitled person that the humbler the life the better.  Whilst most humble people are genuinely altruistic, humility can be a selfish choice.  At least if humility is self-serving, and others are considered, even if the heart isn’t right, some respect for empathy is given.

ENTITLEMENT FOR THE WOULD-BE PONDERER

The question that might linger on the intelligent mind is, “Is there an advantage in engaging an entitled mindset?”  It’s a serious question.  If there’s no advantage to entitlement, why would an intelligent person engage in it?

Getting inside the mind of an entitled person is trick in and of itself.  What motivates someone bent on narcissism?  What lies behind the lack of empathy that exploits people and situations within the entitled mindset?

Whilst it might seem that we get ahead  
when we act entitled, we fall behind.

Trust in relationships is diminished or destroyed as the adversarial system takes precedence in the hands of the one who insists on the control of setting the agenda.  When one person must be considered to the exclusion of all others’ genuine needs and wants, the injustice soon becomes palpable.

Entitlement conveys an agenda where only one, or only those who are important to one, matter.  It is a cancer to relationships.  Entitlement makes relationships toxic, and they become like cancerous cells that metastasise.  In the presence of entitlement, relationships die.  

Entitlement undermines everything good in relationships, where humility would build rapport and trust, and strengthen bonds of intimacy that would endure a lifetime.

CONTRASTING HUMILITY WITH ENTITLEMENT

Humility truly is the winning edge.  In demonstrating a heart and an agenda where others and the whole are central to one’s motivation, the light of such a prerogative radiates rays of peace into all the lives humility touches. 

The humble way is the inspiring way. 

Humility gives itself away 
realising it cannot keep anything.

Humility exudes peace but entitlement projects anxiety.

Humility builds strength whereas 
entitlement weakens the resolve of the strongest.

Even though it appears to involve inherent sacrifice, humility delivers a leading edge to one’s life over the long haul, because it serves ALL lives.

ENTITLEMENT IS A NEMESIS TO EVERYONE

What would compel a person who entertains entitlement as a modus operandi to revisit their approach?  They would revise it only if they entertained the concept that it might not deliver the rewards they think it might.

The entitled person’s “wisdom” 
is short-sighted and a proven folly.

Make no mistake, 
entitlement is a nemesis to us all.

~

“POCKET ENTITLEMENT”

In his 2015 book, The Entitlement Cure, Dr. John Townsend coined the phrase “pocket entitlement.”  It applies to every single one of us.  Every single one of us bears a sense of entitlement in a pocket (or three) of our lives. 

None of us is saved this indignity 
against ourselves and others.

Pocket entitlements occur in pockets of the lives of those who would ordinarily be viewed as humble.  Maybe a humble person is 90 percent humble.  Within that remaining 10 percent there are situations where, when pushed, the person becomes prideful and demanding. 

A lot of outwardly humble people are 
humble in their external lives, 
yet somewhat entitled in their private life.

We all have a part of our lives where we are just us.

None of us genuinely humble 
all the time in all circumstances.

It’s incumbent on us to exhibit the humility to be honest about this.   Nobody can say they are genuinely open to personal growth unless they are open to explore these areas.

An exercise that Townsend suggests we undertake is for us to take a study in the word, “deserve.”  Those committed to personal growth might simply complete the sentence, “I deserve...”

When I undertook a 6-month journey in this endeavour from March 2016 I found there were three things I demanded when they were deprived of me.  Without these three things I could and would act entitled—it was my pocket entitlement.

Of course, we all have human needs and human rights.  It is not a problem of entitlement to NEED these things.  Where entitlement comes in is when we demand these things in a certain way that affects our relationships.

I commend to you to reflect on this for a time.  Hold it in your thoughts and prayers for a month or two.  Think on and complete the sentence, “I deserve...”

What is it that you “deserve” in that you demand 
it in a way that can damage or destroy a relationship?

The reality is, whilst we all have needs and desires, 
an attitude of deserving is at the root of all entitlement.

If only we can arrive at a place where we genuinely accept 
that we deserve nothing, life begins from that place.

Life begins anew from a foundation of gratitude
—the opposite of entitlement.

Humility breeds and exudes gratitude.

Appreciating your everyday, lifetime courage and resilience

Be careful.  What you are about to read may cause you to reflect, to choke up, to get teary, to be touched, to be thankful.  Why?  Because of what you have endured.  As you partake of this little morsel for reflection you may well come to a deeper appreciation of how worthy you are of a pat on the back.

You are courageous.  You are resilient.  Think of the things you’ve been through.  If you list a few of them down, you might find that you have truly endured remarkable things.  You will find that your story really does command some attention.  A blockbuster motion picture could be produced based on your story.  Elements of your story would stun many people—for what you endured and for how you made it through.

Your story will be like mine, yet markedly different in so many ways.  Our stories exude overcoming.  For me it was:

·               being bullied and mistreated as an apprentice fitter and turner in the 1980s.  This three-year experience culminated in a final year that was full of redemption.  The experience compelled me to work in health and safety after being a tradesman almost 10 years.  Ever since, I have been an advocate for justice and fairness in the workplace and elsewhere.

·               some of the things I experienced as a first responder in the chemicals manufacturing industry (1996-2003) and even some of what I have experienced as a health and safety professional.

·               the pain of separation and divorce and recovery from deep grief that lasted many months and overall took a few years to recover from.

·               adjusting to life as a single parent of 11, 8, 5-year-old daughters – who are now thriving 31, 28, 25-year-olds (now with four [nearly five] grandchildren).

·               recovery from the misuse and abuse of alcohol (2003) through the rooms and sponsors of AA and the life that came from overcoming bitterness and ‘making amends’ via the Twelve Step Program.

·               the loss of my fifth child in 2014 to stillbirth after a long four-month battle of days.

·               the process of grieving Nathanael surrounded as a church minister by the love and prayers of a large community.

·               post-traumatic stress triggers from workplace trauma and learning to receive and then give trauma-informed care.  Learning patience for myself and others amid chaos, gentleness for myself and others amid panic.

·               a seven-year season of rebuilding again after arriving at a career abyss, losing that career I loved.  More loss to overcome, but overcome that loss was.

Not a single one of us can’t relate with trauma.  It’s normal to life to encounter it and then to recover from it when we press into it.  Trauma isn’t so much something that should be avoided.

Rather than avoiding it or denying it happened, we can go back there and simply appreciate the courage we needed in being brave when we had to be.

Rather than focus on the stress that our trauma tends to create, we can focus on the growth that is exemplified in our rising above these events and seasons that crushed us at the time.

The encouraging part of the journey in learning about trauma is the life that emerges on the other side.  One of my favourite quotes is Sir Winston Churchill’s, “If you’re going through hell, keep going...” 

There is life on the other side, we just need 
support to get there one day at a time.

I encourage you to make a list like I have; of all the things over your life that you have endured; of all the things in your life that you could go back to a younger version of yourself and just say, “I’m so proud of you that you kept going when you were going through hell.”

Spend the time and go back and thank yourself.

IMAGE: my Mum (died 2022), myself, my daughter Zoe, praying over Nathanael.