Imagine being the instrument of justice in a person’s life you have hurt. They have said you have hurt them, so imagine you have the integrity to take them at their word. Imagine being cut to the heart that you were an instrument of someone else’s pain. It does happen. Imagine seeing their truth, acknowledging it, empathising with it, and confessing your role in it as a mode of repenting in order to bring the hope of reconciliation to the relationship.
ONE CAVEAT: if you are already the one who is more characterised as the one apologising in your relationships, and some of the others in your world rarely apologise, seriously, don’t read any further. Sadly, there are those who extract apologies but give none in return.
This article is for the person who lacks empathy and mastering this principle of sincere apology is one crucial evidence of the overcoming of narcissism. It’s only the person who can sincerely apologise — and the best judge of the quality of an apology is the person who’s been hurt — who demonstrates they’re empathetic and not narcissistic.
Empathy truly is the opposite of narcissism. The truest sign of a person who bears narcissistic traits is their lack of ability to climb into the heart of other people; everything is about the self and their image and protecting both. Narcissists do not have the capacity to think or especially feel into another person. Neither are they motivated or even interested unless they sense an opportunity to exploit a person or situation.
But let’s get back to apology. And its power as a concept!
Not only is a person’s lack of capacity or ability or willingness to apologise a sign they’re toxic relationally, it’s also a sign of disability. They’re seriously disadvantaged by their very own will. Their arrogant self-will that will not compromise with others is a sign that not only do they not care about others, but they by their hubris also demonstrate they don’t even care about themselves.
Much of this lack of capacity or ability or willingness to apologise is of course covered over by a faux charismata or appearance of humility. Many tend to compensate for a heart that refuses to be or be seen as wrong by another aspect of endearing personhood. But if a person cannot apologise any personhood that’s endearing is a masquerade.
People like this will put on the show and the majority find that show absolutely compelling.
People like this rely on their master plan of deception because that’s all they have. They cannot compete on integrity’s stage. Some even get a sick sense of schadenfreude delight when they see a “good” person swindled.
But they miss out. Their lack of sincerity is a major blow to their potential.
That’s a justice to those of us who are frustrated by their stubbornness.
The paradoxical power in apology is a power for redemption. Those who don’t engage in these behaviours of humility miss out on the blessedness of justice as it’s offered from the one who has power to hurt toward those who have been hurt. Those who don’t embark on the language of sincerity and godly sorrow miss the opportunity to love others with the love of truth and justice. Those who don’t commit themselves to restoring the imbalances of lopsided scales miss out on the blessings of insight that God wants to give all of us. Those who refuse to impart a justice only they can give refuse themselves a grace that is theirs for the taking.
The powers of apology are the powers of flourishing, to every life bathed in such a grace.
Only those who enter via the gates of apology transcend guilt, shame, arrogance, greed, pride, and anger, and journey toward a constellation of blessing that ripples out inspirationally to those their life touches.
All because they own a portion of humility and know how to speak compellingly the languages of apology.
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