An author I greatly admire—someone who is likely to keep that admiration—has apologised for naming and lauding his minister in his books, because it’s now been revealed that this minister is an abuser. What saddens me most of all, beyond the sadness that should be borne for the victims of this abuse, is the same pattern continues to be revealed:
There are apologies from the authentic yet just more DARVO from the unrepentant.
DARVO stands for Deny-Attack-Reverse-Victim-and-Offender.
DARVO occurs every single time a person with a claim of abuse makes that claim. This is because the abuser is always unrepentant. The abuser abuses and they continue to re-double the pain with secondary and tertiary abuse. An abuser will always deny any wrongdoing, then attack the victim through a gaslighting narrative, thereby reversing the victim and offender. They seek to be identified as the victim, and they are malevolently hellbent on identifying the victim as the offender.
Think about the dynamics of abuse for a moment. Most abusers are that brazen they believe they’ll get away with their crimes. Just like they argue their denials so compellingly that they have good people believe them. All the while the victim, who can’t lie and cannot procure a wicked case against the wicked, finds themselves done over yet again. They were done over in the initial abuse, that in just about every case wasn’t isolated in one event. They were done over for years. There was a real toxic pattern to the abuse that they endured. They could not easily escape, and in many cases, it was a mountain to climb to finally get out of that place.
Having gotten out of that situation, finding themselves in a place of going to retrieve their justice, and they find they’re gaslit. So the toxic pattern continues until that person is gone from their life all together.
As soon as the person begins the process of expediting their justice, they quickly find their abuser engaging in DARVO. Sadly, it’s the last thing they expect, as abuse is heaped on abuse, and they find no avenue for justice. Indeed, they find they have merely upped the ante.
This is evidence that the claims of abuse are real. Any decent person would settle the dispute. And the only way it’s settled is through genuine repentance, restitution, and reconciliation. Only the reasonable person with conscience is capable.
The tragic reality is that the DARVO that the victim has been embroiled in is an internal reality as far as the public record is concerned—others do not see the DARVO. In the private sphere, there’s often a tertiary abuse that is about as malevolent as it gets. Revenge is sweet for the abuser, and it’s always a private matter, isolation being their fundamental tool.
The justice sought will cost the victim an immense amount that they had no idea about. Another sign of a true abuser.
The process of the ongoing public DARVO is the tip of the iceberg, and what sits below the surface is the direct harm that is extrapolated against the victim by the abuser as they continue to abuse, and the direct harm caused by the supporters of the abuser.
We need to all become aware that any of us who identify as good hearts are prime targets for the abuser as they will seek to recruit us to their side.
The abuser is a master of image management as they curate a favourable impression on those they co-opt. Remember that words and tears and promises ought to acquit none, but good and empathetic people are easy targets for sympathy, too quick to forgive and move on, and are too quick to get others to the moving on phase. In the process, perhaps the most devastating effects are wrought by do-gooders.
So much damage is done by good people with good intentions who have no idea about the dimensions of abuse that have occurred. They would be abhorred if only they knew. But the abuser is a master masquerader. The abuser masquerades out of necessity to maintain their modus operandi. The worst abusers manipulate all persons and situations to their advantage.
If we identify at that “good person” who is capable of great empathy, we must imagine ourselves as targets.
We must also see ourselves as the ones who are quick to apologise when we get it wrong, because, as we find much of the time these days, justice is slow, but the truth is revealed eventually.
There is a rule to life: apologies come from the authentic yet there’s just more DARVO from the unrepentant.
~
What’s needed most of all when we suspect a person of DARVOing instead of meeting the claim of abuse is to simply ask the question directly, “What did YOU do?” And “Please don’t deflect and just simply answer the claim.”
As soon as we do this, it may become evident who we are actually dealing with, when they either vigorously deny and plead their innocence rather than empathise with the abused person. Even empathy can be feigned, and empathy can be veiled as gaslighting, for the master manipulator will appear empathetic even as they manipulate. Additionally, we stand to create an enemy if we distrust them—even to the extent of being a target for their DARVO—which is further evidence of who we’re dealing with.
What’s most critical of all is that the one who was abused is believed. I’m not talking about cases where one abuses the other and the other reciprocates. This happens a lot. And there’s little sympathy for both.
But there are also an immense number of situations where a person is abused and yet they have no capacity to reciprocate abuse. This is a victim and they’re to be believed every time. And in my experience, it’s the person who apologises and who is quick to see any wrongdoing in themselves who is a credible victim. They have capacity for honest introspection where they don’t defend themselves. Abusers don’t exemplify such honest humility.
Indeed, it’s the one who battles much guilt and shame who is paradoxically the victim. See how they see their fault and even maximise it, all the while often minimising the faults of others, at times attributing such fault as their own fault. For just one example, “It’s not their fault, it’s mine, I shouldn’t have put up with it for so long...” See the minimising of others’ actions and taking others’ responsibility? Abusers classically don’t take responsibility for significant things.
The entitled person on the other hand makes sport of the practice of exploitation, for they have no capacity for empathy.
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