Conflict brings the worst out of us initially, yet it’s always hoped that misunderstandings can be redeemed, and apologies can be made—genuinely by both—so impasses can be resolved, and hurts are healed.
One situation that often arises is the situation of a person empathetically explaining a situation when another person misinterprets it as excusing the behaviour. It happens so often.
As a third party to the conflict, someone who may have perspective to add that can be gleaned, that person may in explaining lamentable behaviour look like they’re excusing it when they’re not.
Indeed, in explaining bad behaviour, identifying the facts of wrong and harm done, the very explanation is hardly excusing the bad behaviour at all. In fact, explaining the behaviour like this highlights it, bringing it out for all to see in the cold hard light of day.
Being able to explain bad and even toxic behaviour is important. It’s important to locate what it was that was wrong, to pinpoint it. It’s also important to contextualise what was done. It quantifies it and is therefore such an explanation can be used powerfully to validate the person who was hurt by the behaviour.
This in effect is what counsellors are able to do, to provide clarity in putting the matter out on the table so it can be viewed from all angles.
Even though it can come across as an excusing of behaviour, explanations of behaviour don’t condone the behaviour when they shed light on the wrong. Explanations report what happened, and at times why it happened.
When explanations of behaviour are misunderstood for excusing such behaviour, both feel misunderstood—the one explaining is misunderstood because they know they’re not excusing the behaviour, and the one hurt by the behaviour feels unsupported.
If only an interaction can take place without the high emotions of conflict, there’s a chance both can come to understand each other better.
What’s required is for both to believe more about the strength in the relationship and less about the what the other seemed to do wrong, because conflict resolution is always about attaining better empathy and understanding.
Starting the process off, either can enter the dialogue demonstrating their relational care for the other.
It takes a lot of courage to re-enter the fray of conflict, but love overcomes the fear through trusting in faith that misunderstandings are just that—only a temporary barrier before mutual understanding takes place.
Understanding is central to the best in relational experience. Without it there’s conflict, and depending on responses, there are all kinds of outcomes, including those where misunderstandings and a lack of working the conflict through leave one or both harmed.
Where people have a good relationship over many years, there’s so much to be said for working hard to reconcile, for both to embrace empathy for the other’s position and their interests, which are about WHY they want what they want.
Reconciliation is always worth the humility it takes to achieve. Emotional baggage is heavy to carry, and relational conflicts that haven’t been resolved continue to cause issues for years to come.
The person who makes the effort to reconcile matters deals with their emotional baggage. Theirs is the recourse to peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment