Underneath much anger is anguish

There are, I find, generally two forms of anger, that which is accounted for, and that which isn’t.  I want to focus on the former in this article.  The kind of anger that overlays anguish, which I define as a meld of sorrow and fear.

None of us are beyond sorrow or fear, especially men.  As men, we struggle to communicate our sorrow and fear, for fear of being seen as weak.

And yet, the more we struggle to face it, the more sorrow and fear build into anguish, which often comes out in anger.

Anger, of course, the former penitent variety I mean, produces shame and guilt.  And experiences of shame and guilt, because they are so loathsome, lead to an avoidance of facing, even when facing is the only way we can alleviate guilt and shame if we’re proactive.

Do you know the number of times I’ve been angry with life and anything really that rubs me up the wrong way that I’ve just needed someone to be bold enough to say, “Are you okay?  I mean, can you help me to understand...”

I think this is why I’ve been able to pacify some people amid their conniptions.  What people often need in the midst of an outburst is compassion enough to curiously seek to understand where they’re at, and if you’re not game, wait until they settle.  It’s the expression of empathy.

Many angry outbursts are actually the triggering of trauma.  As the person suffers their existential crisis (think despair) there’s little wonder there’s a giving up, a sabotaging of hopes, desires, and dreams.

It couldn’t be worse to judge a person on their anger when it’s really trauma that underpins it, though yet again, there must be the fruit of repentance; to eventually see and account for their wrong.

Also, we must endeavour to separate out those for whom the outburst is perhaps a bit out of character. Could it be sadness, fear, or soulish anguish?

Imagine the relief in a person who is triggered when you calmly and quietly, though confidently, seek to understand what’s going on and ask if there’s any way you can help.

The anger we’re talking about is the panic-of-spirit type of anger.

Countless times I’ve seen the person who is beside themselves in a panic of spirit begin to settle in minutes.  Compassion is a connection with the other person that THEY know is FOR them.  It’s 100% belief in the person.  It’s a viewing of them as 10/10 in every way, much the way God views us because of Christ.

When a person is angry and they know we’re FOR them in a complete sense, they should tend to settle down if it’s anguish that’s driving it.

Of course, this article does NOT cover the violent anger that damages by intention, that revels in destruction and in the inciting of fear.

The person for whom anguish is large will tend to channel it into anger when the anguish boils up and over the pot.

The healing opportunity is to view the anger as an invitation to face the pain of anguish.  That requires the overcoming of guilt and shame—to tell it as it is, which takes quite remarkable humility.

Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash