From the moment that loss blindsides us, there are needs that abound. But the confusing reality is those needs are not always easy to discern. Of course, we will feel completely out of our depth whether we suffer loss or whether we’re helping someone mourning. Such is the nature of loss.
The truth is, even when needs are identified and met, there is still so much more that is needed; but the meeting of needs that can be met is much more of an answered prayer than any of us could imagine.
Such is the nature of loss that no matter how much we endeavour to make meaning from the epicentre of the event, we are destined to fall short. As we walk patiently with the mourner, it is very important to recognise this.
It is with deep disappointment that we find that feeling out of our depth is part of the territory.
Yet, giving the person who is mourning permission to feel what they feel without needing to feel guilty or ashamed is probably the best gift any person could give. Most people feel they cannot escape troubling feelings—especially guilt—in loss, which makes the situation all the more saddening.
But, whether we agree or not, these feelings cannot be judged, nor can they be affected by mindfulness or any other human strategy, but at least mindfulness and other techniques can alleviate anxiety and panic attacks to a certain point.
It isn’t until we are grieving ourselves that we come to understand how much loss is such an overwhelming phenomenon. Nothing really can explain how life-ending loss feels. It takes us into a land of experience we find unconscionable. This is why working with the mourning requires a personal countenance that mirrors the mourning. This is why many people avoid people who are grieving; we need to mirror their state of grieving in order to be helpful, and not everyone is prepared to do that.
As we walk with the mourning, we ought to take comfort when we feel out of our depth. This is the most counterintuitive of human experiences; to be satisfied in the discomfort of being completely out of our depth, willing to be vulnerable, and surrendered to all our capacities of care without being surrendered to our emotions.
It isn’t about being strong in the sense that we hold everything together, but it is being strong in the sense that they are held and contained, whatever that takes.
As we walk with the mourning, we listen in to the Spirit, and this is an example where we are acting apart from ourselves. Being completely reliant on listening into the circumstances, discerning the needs, we walk by faith in stepping into the unknown, trusting that both our action and inaction are appropriate for the person’s moment who is before us.
As we walk with the mourning, we think in terms of practical needs, because any spiritual and emotional needs that can be met will only be recognised as having being met through retrospect, and usually through the meeting of those practical needs that people who suffer loss seriously crave.
It is a great glory and great blessing to walk in the footsteps of the mourning. It is eternal and sacred ground. There will be no more important work we will ever do.
When we experience loss we suddenly come to understand this.
Photo by Dustin Scarpitti on Unsplash
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