Against
the flow of growth, away from the pain of present, and into the pain of past I
went. A pain where deep
strived to again meet Deep; where deep called to Deep, and Deep answered.
I had to stop from where I was lost, to go back to a time
where I’d been truly found; a time where there was nothing if not depth. This
kind of season there was nothing else but depth. There was no time nor vision
for superficiality. A time like this, fifteen years ago, is what God was
calling me back to.
Of course, I resisted. I didn’t want to plunge into my pain.
I would’ve preferred a different, easier way. But there was no such
alternative. God gave me up to my sins in order that my sins would drive me
back into Him. It is God’s way to reconcile us to Himself.
God has shown me a purpose to pain — that He is in the centre
of that kind of storm. The Lord showed me my greatest connection of intimacy with
Him, ever, was amid my darkest hour.
He showed me afresh that it was then, when I had nothing else
in the world, where He was IT, and
was all I had left, that He was my all
— even as my depth cried out and heard the answer of Depth cry back.
It is only when we’re at our depths that we can hear the cry
of God’s Spirit at depth — ‘I love you
and I am here with you and will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid.’
Only as I cried out in a lonely pitch-dark shrill, as if feeling
I’d been abandoned by God, did I hear God cry back deep in my spirit. That cry
of deep crying out to Deep and hearing Deep cry back has never left me.
Isn’t it ironic that Deep cries back to us only when we fall
to the depth of Deep?
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