As shame washes over us, it leaves us
innately fearful and vulnerable in some of the worst kind of ways. Shame means
we are inherently disconnected and it leaves us feeling intrinsically unworthy,
and whether those shameful feelings are even vindicated is beside the point. We
may feel shamed when there is no reason at all to be ashamed. But much of the
shame response comes from deep within and it is caused whenever we feel
disconnected socially.
So, whenever we feel out of place socially – in any context, whether it
is in our leisure, or at the workplace, or even at home – we are experiencing
shame. That is, those feelings of deep unworthiness, which are inside all of
us, because of our disconnection. When we are feeling such shame we cannot
really add value the way we would like to; we are incapable of it; the
faculties of confidence are shaken too far.
One of the keys of life, then, is to become aware when we feel
disconnected and to be able to receive God’s empathy in that moment, for:
“Empathy is the antidote to shame.”
— Brené Brown
Brené Brown is a researcher in the area of
vulnerability and shame, and she has empirical data that proves the principle:
empathy can ameliorate shame.
Receiving the healing we need in the moment,
having felt that heinous warm wash of shame all over us, having felt dirty
because it, is achieved when we receive that empathy of God. Essentially, we
need to connect with God in the moment, by hearing him say something positive
and reassuring. This is where a vibrant and prayerful relationship with God is
most beneficial.
Only having connected with God can we be
healed of shame. But, of course, God often provides a wise guide, a counsellor,
a mentor, or a therapist who can issue us the empathy we need. Such empathy is
the acceptance of us, in and within ourselves, no matter what we have done or
how lowly we see ourselves.
The simple empathic fact is we are all
acceptable people. It doesn’t matter the shame we carry. In God’s sight we are
white as snow because of our Saviour.
***
It’s helpful to understand that shame is a much broader emotional
response than feeling ashamed. We feel guilt for the wrong we have done or the
right we have not done, but we feel shame because of the unworthiness we feel;
because of who we are. Shame is a direct attack on our personhood.
Shame is the emotional manifestation we experience for feeling
relationally disconnected, which translates into feelings of unworthiness. But
empathy is the antidote to shame. This is why the best therapists are known for
their emotional safety, which translates into unconditional acceptance for their
clients.
© 2014 S. J. Wickham.
Acknowledgement: to Brené Brown – Listening
to Shame.
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