“Children thrive on adversity.” SOMETIMES
“Adversity builds resilience.” SOMETIMES
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” NOT ALL THE TIME
You probably have your own version. I know I’ve had my varieties of this truth that have helped me hold out hope when I’ve faced my adversities.
But the answer is always, “sometimes.” These cover-all statements tend to offer the hope that people thrive on adversity all the time; that adversity builds resilience, every single time.
The truth is this truth can only ever represent (at best!) a half-truth!
How many more human beings have been devastatingly crushed by ‘adversity’?
What about those parents and carers of those with disabilities? Those who can’t overcome. Or those who only overcome adversity in being crushed every single day. And that’s it! Overcoming adversity is far from glamorous.
How many could, with just a little bit of love, a modicum of support, and with much less abuse, could have thrived?
How many of us have said, “He/she will be better for the ‘adversity’?” That same adversity that was crushing him/her at the time...
It’s the same with, “Children are resilient.” Sorry, but some just aren’t, but they could be more resilient with our support, our love, our belief in them. And even for those children who are resilient, there is a breaking point.
“What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger?” Sometimes what was “supposed to make us stronger” (the cliché) does actually kill us, or pushes us close to it.
When it all boils down to it, this is what our children need—parents and grandparents, would you agree?
A child needs us to believe in her or him BEFORE they’ve made a success of themselves. Children need that belief to remain right through the process of the many failures they’ll endure. When we’re tempted to yell advice, we’re perhaps better advised to simply hug them or hold their hand or simply be present with them.
But this is not limited to children.
We all need people to believe in us. When a person is FOR us, especially as it pertains to someone who has influence in our lives i.e., we look up to them, it is a tremendous boost.
Realistically, if we are to conquer the adversity that comes against us, we WILL DO SO with this kind of support.
Sure, there are those who overcome adversity and they never had any support. They inspire us to be better than we could otherwise be.
But it is wrong, and abusive, to expect everyone to overcome their adversity on their own, especially as we consider the role of childhood and adult abuse and trauma. Many, many people are in positions where the set-and-forget of childhood development has already put them on a course where that course is set. Such life course directions are not easily overcome.
As we garner hope for the possibilities of overcoming adversity in inspirational ways, let’s also ensure we don’t require those we know to BE the inspiration. Not everyone can overcome everything, nor can even the strongest, most valiant person overcome every single time.
Let’s be inspired without insisting people inspire us, because that is of itself an abuse.
If we were to help anyone overcome their adversity, we would do so urging them on in confidence and hope, and not in pushing them in counterproductive ways.
If we promote absolutely that “children are resilient” or that “faith overcomes adversity” where does that leave people who fail these absolutes? Where does it leave families of those who suicide? Where does it leave the child who “just isn’t/wasn’t good/strong enough”?
Such things said only condemn. They are completely devoid of the very hope that resilience in adversity is made of.
You CAN overcome adversity. You can! But let’s just not absolutise it.
We are best to aspire to overcome adversity without demanding we overcome everything. Surely the best lessons are in some of those adversities that overcome us.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Of course! Until, that is, you or someone close to you is the exception. People are inspired by those who overcome adversity, and it is beautiful to aspire to. But many also are crushed by the weight of such expectation.
It’s like, “Succeed, or else.” Such pressure to ‘succeed’ drives some to ridiculous lengths, and some to an early grave.
Overcoming adversity isn’t anywhere as glamorous as it sounds. It’s achieved through blood, sweat and very many tears. It’s done one faltering day at a time, and the process is anything but pretty. These stories are glorious only as we look back on them. And those who endure adversity rarely boast about it and would usually far prefer for life to have been easier.
Photo by Lucas Clara on Unsplash
As someone who has had great adversity in my life, I agree totally that there are plenty of blood, sweat, and tears. I lean totally on the power of Jesus Christ, and the promise of seeing my deceased children in heaven. I don't think we really ever overcome adversity in this life. We learn to find hope.
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