Peace when ‘closure’ for grief is a myth

There was a time when I believed in closure.  But have you noticed that what was a buzz word a decade or two ago has now somehow vanished from our vocabulary?

We might wonder why that is.  We certainly live in a more enlightened albeit cynical age.  If we can’t prove a theory in practice, people aren’t ready to hop on board that train.  Fair enough.

I think it’s our own experience that teaches us far more effectively than all the doctrines under the sun.  Indeed, it’s our experience that highlights the doctrines that are worthy of further investigation.  And yet, it always pays to be open-minded toward the possibility of logical wisdom residing in the unlikeliest places.

So, here we have it: the principle or possibility
of peace when closure for grief is a myth.

Now, rightly said, there is a case for closure in grief—but only when one’s future experience of life surpasses what was lost.  What I mean by that is, sometimes in life what comes more than makes up for what was lost.  This is, however, significantly limited in that if we lose a baby, another baby doesn’t make the baby who died much if any easier to cope with.

But we may lose a job and find that God’s providence placed us in something better.  Or, as has happened to us once; we missed out on a rental house, which at the time was a real blow, but I had the feeling something better was on the horizon.  And a fortnight later we got an even better home to move into.

But this article is about losses that don’t come back.

This is about situations where the concept of closure is dearly sought but where there is no closure.

If you were to believe that closure is possible in all situations, I’d wonder if your life experience is limited to losses that have been recoverable.  Yet, there are so many that aren’t.

So, if we accept this as our doctrine for recovery from loss, how do we find peace?

It is entirely biblical that we only come to peace
when we CANNOT control the outcome.

This will seem like an obtuse reality to someone of the world.  Control equals peace, surely.  Yet, to anyone living the gospel reality there is this stark contrast in outlook.

The endeavour required to wrest control takes us AWAY from our peace!  Anyone converted to Christ already knows that peace is WITHIN the situation we have no control over.

Yes, that’s right.  You read that right!

The less we insist on controlling what we cannot control, the more of God’s peace we can ultimately experience.

But let’s not suppose being Christian makes this truth self-evident.  No, inevitably we must face loss first, then be frustrated again and again and again, and then maybe over the course of the years we come to understand we must accept what we cannot change.  And there, in that, is peace!

Christian faith plus vast experience of loss equals a peace that accepts what we cannot change.  And nothing can touch it!

Only in the mode of a most terrible loss do we hear God saying, “Come, enter my rest!  But please trust me that within your pain is a divine and direct pathway to peace.”

Let me commend us all to the long version of The Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time.
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would like it.

Trusting that God will make all things right,
If I surrender to his will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this world
And supremely happy in the next.

There is no peace like a peace that accepts what is because it is what it is.  This peace is a peace that no force on earth, nor power of hell, can hinder.  And we would not know this peace if not for the presence of loss that we could not find closure for.  See the purpose in heart-rending grief?

Photo by Aleksandr Ledogorov on Unsplash