How a person handles conflict is the best indicator of how safe they are in terms of negotiating and maintaining a relationship.
Think about it. How people are at their worst shows us how safe they are (or aren’t).
The very best people to form relationships with are those who are emotionally intelligent — personally and socially aware, intuitive, responsive. They have self-awareness backed in humility, and the self-discipline to act upon their interpersonal reflections. They can especially see how their responses may be unhelpful.
They can see their own contribution to conflict AND they can own it.
As a counterpoint, they do not focus on what the other person contributed to the conflict. They trust that the other person may eventually own what is theirs alone to own. But they also take care not to let their partner off the hook constantly, enabling poor behaviour to develop or continue.
These kinds of people are not troubled by conflict to the extent of attacking the other or escaping altogether.
They act as peacemakers, which means they see conflict as an opportunity — they neither run from conflict nor do they fight within it.
Purely from a self-serving perspective, it is wise to nurture relationships with those who bear conflict well; who think the best of us even when we’re in serious disagreement. The same is required of us. Indeed, sometimes the worst of persons in conflict are intimidated by calmness in the other. But calmness in conflict is a sign of maturity.
The irony is, however, that birds of a feather flock together. If we ourselves are not respectful, big-minded and open-hearted in treating our relationships as crucially valuable (and more valuable than the divisive issues that would separate us), we’re unlikely to attract or keep good friends. The same works for others.
People who don’t respect your boundaries aren’t worthy of relationship.
Take care not to form a relationship with a person who does conflict poorly.
The worst people to enter relationships with are those who show early on that they cannot cope with conflict. They have poor self-awareness in and after conflict. They cannot see their own contribution, and they will not do their own heart work. Where they do apologise, those who don’t do their heart work don’t truly mean it, and their apology will not stick to the point of behaviour change. They show little or no desire to understand what they’ve done wrong. Worst of all, they may even feign a humble heart, which in the worst cases is a most horrendous deception.
Heart work is hard.
But it is a fundamental part of being a partner.
It relies on being humble enough to feel the pain of our own wrongdoing, because relationships will always draw out our own heart issues. As iron sharpens iron and each person reflects the other as in a mirror (Proverbs 27:17, 19), relationships reveal character; our capacity to relate.
We can’t hide our character in relationships.
Character flaws come to the fore there.
One red flag to watch for in a new relationship is the state of the other person’s existing or previous relationships. Watch very well how they handle conflict with others. Watch for destructive traits and toxicity in their broken relationships. Watch how quickly they assume their own responsibility or watch how quickly they blame the other person.
Watch also that you don’t fall for the “we are special” and “it won’t be the same with us” traps. All relationships (whether romantic or not) have a romantic phase where we are tempted to overlook serious issues.
Don’t overlook triggers, red flags, hunches, and most of all, patterns.
Don’t be idealistic. Be realistic.
Some people — and the word “narcissist” comes to mind — are not suited to relationships. They cannot compromise and will not do their own hard heart work. They exasperate those they’re in relationships with. They bear little or no interest in respecting safe boundaries. It’s their way or the highway. They don’t readily take responsibility. Their personal growth is stunted.
In conclusion, as the image above/below depicts, relationships are a long journey walking together. Longevity is the biggest challenge to intimate relationships.
It’s astounding how many relationships break down over a single issue that goes awry — the hill we choose to die on — causing one or both to stubbornly dig their heels in and actively resist efforts for genuine reconciliation. Often this leaves one party abusively marooned, and where there is a power inequality, it’s usually the party with least power who loses all.
Relationship fracture often happens because smaller issues of irritation were avoided by one or both parties, mainly because there wasn’t the confidence in the relationship to bear the stress of conflict.
In other words, one or both of the parties have insufficient trust in the other party’s humility and/or they lack humility themselves.
The simple advice is partner with people who can do conflict well.
Photo by Shaojie on Unsplash
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