In Australia, at least, it is RUOK? Day today. The whole principle behind the day and all it stands for is that it is okay to not be okay. It is a wonderful theory, and so much good comes from it, but the ultimate test is does it work in real life?
When the rubber hits the road in conflict especially, or when the paralysing reality of loss strikes, when there are no words, or there’s no understanding, or when trauma triggers are destructive, it’s very hard to reserve judgement and not become frustrated or overwhelmed by those around us in their struggles.
Sometimes our ‘care’ has a use-by date, and because we are all human, we all enter some form of overwhelm, and the carers overwhelm is they can feel like they exist simply to care, and they may miss out on the same care they give. In fact, that is sadly very often the case.
We ought to be thankful for
carers of all kinds in our lives.
These are the persons who ‘show up’ consistently and faithfully, delivering a trustworthy care. How often might one of these be asked, are you really okay? And how often do they feel they have the space to be really honest? A lot of the time it depends on who’s asking, but if you’re a carer, chances are the person who is asking is less of a carer, and the carer doesn’t trust themselves into an inferior care—they might simply crack on.
I would hazard a guess and say that if you’re reading this, you’re probably the carer. And you might lament the fact that whilst your care is very much appreciated, it doesn’t always make up for the fact that you can’t access the care that you would love. But, of course, this is where a good psychologist or counsellor or psychotherapist fits in. Indeed, a good psychologist or counsellor or psychotherapist is worth more than their weight in gold. Then think of the supreme value of a good listening friend!
The biggest issue in this life is the overwhelm we experience just trying to keep up. And it’s far too simplistic to criticise people for approaching or entering burnout.
Whilst we typically feel alone in our burnout,
we suffer in a community of sufferers.
Avoiding burnout isn’t as simple as saying ‘no’ more. Avoiding burnout isn’t as simple as not pleasing people, because the demands of the modern life are often beyond our seeking of approval from others.
I know hundreds of fire and emergency services volunteers and these people don’t volunteer to people-please. They have a community that needs them. They have answered that call. And I know so many who have devoted their working lives to being professionals in the area notwithstanding the significant risks they are exposed to as they undertake their work. They have a community that needs them. They have answered that call.
The real test of RUOK? Day is whether
we are allowed to NOT be okay.
The truth is, community heals us,
and more often than not it’s all we need.
I can tell you in just the last few weeks, there was a moment when a colleague reached out and gave me a teary hug oozing with empathy. It was all I needed in the overwhelm of the moment. Her teary hug softened my anxious heart. It connected me back to my humanity.
Another time, it was another colleague, simply speaking in a calmer voice. I got to reflect over my anxiety, and went back to thank that colleague. Another colleague has simply looked me in the eye and said are you okay? I had to admit that I wasn’t. Half an hour later, when the pressure had died down, I reached out and thanked him for his courage to ask sincerely, for he had shown love. “No worries, mate, I’ll hit you up next time!” he said with a wink. And just now our chaplain, a person I’m so blessed to support as his manager has reached out, and in his normal way, a few texts later, I feel revived.
The community will heal us if we will let it, if we will let it in, if we will let our colleagues, those caring ones, in by dropping our guard.
We need each other,
but we must trust each other.
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