Some of you know that I’m involved in a ministry for men called “Momentum Australia.” Recently our team received an enquiry as follows, and we were asked to comment. My response follows the enquiry:
“I have struggled to like myself since a child. It basically forced me to abandon myself and look to my ‘betters’ to find out how to be lovable and acceptable. I had given up on me being okay right from the get go. I do know I need God’s view of me. Obviously, to really know I was good and accepted by God is a great thing. I’m 50 now. I’ve known God for 10 years. I do have a clearer picture after 10 years but there are times when it’s as if I have total amnesia and I’m lost again. I often dont know what I want to do because I’ve never valued my ideas or opinions highly. So I’m always left wondering , why am I doing this? As if I had no say. And essentially I felt I had no say. My voice in steering my course in life has probably only surfaced a few times in my life up to age 40. People say I’m a deep thinker but I’m just trying to figure out where I’m valued in this world. So far it was not found in jobs, money, marriage. All of which was very disheartening of course. It seems this is the most I can articulate my position at the moment.. knowing truly that I am good and loved by God is probably more caught than taught so to speak. I guess I missed that growing up but I’m still alive and learning . I’m learning that I’m crippled by this emotionally . I would say I have been stepping out to follow my little voice more now that I see God. I am in Mens groups but they all seem to be still at my stage. I’m not happy with just status quo. Someone must be ahead of me on this who has wisdom to share.”
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My response:
First, I feel as if I am not just writing a response you, but that there might be a few people who could resonate. What you’re describing is actually a common phenomenon, it’s just that we can feel so utterly alone—like we’re the only ones—feeling this way. Perhaps many of us felt like this one time or other in our lives. I know I have.
Secondly, I applaud your reaching out! Your question and your heartache speak for more than yourself! You echo others. Others need the same answers you do. Others have the same question on their mind and heart but don’t have the courage to ask it, so thank you for your leadership in this.
Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to reach out like this, or perhaps you have reached out before, and you still hold out hope that some piece of information will be “the game changer”. Maybe you don’t care anymore what it costs you to reach out—which is an awesome expression of faith. You may not be that impressed, but there are people like me you inspire.
You refuse to believe the possibility that your life won’t get better, and I can tell you, as a pastor, that God sees your faith. He will give you more satisfaction for yourself, or perhaps it’s more peace with yourself that God will give you, or more joy, or more hope. It’s good to explore each of these, peace, joy, hope.
What does you liking you look like?
I can tell you that different people have different thoughts on the same question.
Other men may seem happier with themselves than you are, but the truth is it isn’t just you and them, or “us and them,” because we’re all different. The folly we all need to reconcile is that comparison is neither true nor helpful, but as human beings we’re more or less stuck with a comparing mindset, though certain techniques—like a practised gratitude—can help alleviate problematic thinking like comparison and complaint.
I think you know how loved you are, that God loves you infinitely, beyond what you can grasp. The struggle may be that your head or mind accepts this, or you know it at that level, but your heart hasn’t fully received it yet, in that your feelings haven’t caught up. Or maybe you’re still on a journey of your mind accepting it?
Yes, I’d venture to say that you’re on a journey. As a nearly 56-year-old man, myself, I can tell you that you’re in the best decade so far. I love the sense of leaving-things-as-they-are in my fifties. For me, it feels like the fifties are a time when I accept, and even prize, my imperfections more than ever. I think this is important. I’m after a little spiritual progress and have given up on spiritual perfection.
Another way of looking at this is humanity commonly has three kinds of idols it struggles to overcome—popularity, performance, possessions.
We want people to like us (popularity), we need to achieve (performance), and we feel identified in what we have (possessions). The Christian life is best when we don’t need these, and our identity is fused to Christ. That’s a journey for us all.
You know that you’re loved and that you’re lovable, and in the present context, you’re likeable. You probably know people who like you just the way you are. Are there elements of who you are today or younger versions of yourself that you like? What is it about you that God REALLY likes? This is about discovery because it’s not about “if”. God likes you!
One thing that is highly likeable about you off the bat is your honesty. Your honesty is exactly what other men need. We need places where we can talk about inconvenient truths and awkward facts about ourselves.
None of us likes all of ourselves. We all need reminding that God loves us.
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