Depressed or grieving and emotionally or spiritually abused

One of the bigger travesties in the emotional and spiritual abuse of those suffering the distress of depression and grief is people adding a burden of guilt and shame to a burden already there.

Yes, that’s right.  Whenever we face depression and grief we enter an emotional and spiritual cyclone where guilt and shame swirl and swarm.  They present as a burden carried for our inability to overcome the tremendously dark and unpredictable emotions and cognitions we encounter.

Then enters the presence of a person or people who add to this burden of guilt and shame through ungracious, unkind, and critical perceptions.  These are horrendously worse when it’s leaders and mentors who offer criticism and condemnation for what is the normal and necessary processing of depression and grief.

To put it another way, those who could provide space and love instead add a further burden through emotional and spiritual abuse from what is usually a superior and untouchable attitude, philosophy, or theology.

I say a burden is added because people suffering depression and grief are already burdened by many emotions and cognitions that confuse and overwhelm them.  Those who would add a burden abuse the vulnerable instead of strengthening them with presence and encouragement.

To feel judged and condemned on top of confusion and overwhelm is worse, but the real issue is most people who are depressed or grieving don’t resist judgement and condemnation because they sadly may already judge and condemn themselves.

So the last thing someone suffering depression and/or grief needs is the added burden of guilt and shame for their incapacity to cope with the challenges of negotiating their daily mental health.

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What someone struggling with depression and/or grief needs is to know and be reminded of the following:

§     their experience of struggling against the torrent of emotion is normal and nothing to be judged or condemned in any way

§     just by surviving, they’re being courageous

§     they’re worthy of support.  Much of the time it’s those who have been through depression and grief who provide that support, just as it’s us who presently endure it who will provide that support to others in future times

§     there’s more value in sitting in what feels ugly than denying reality or insisting upon recovery our own way and in our own timeframe—which never happens, because we can’t modulate the flow of depression and grief to suit ourselves

§     their emotions—the anger, the fear, the anxiety, the sobbing sadness—are all forgivable.  It’s only those who want to justify negative emotions that don’t get a leave pass.  Those who feel contrite feeling guilty and ashamed for their emotions ought to be loved and freed of their guilt and shame.

The way we augment healing in depression and grief is to ride out the rough patches with love, grace, kindness, acceptance, and belief in the recovery process.